When I get my own house InshAllah, I need plenty of windows with the sun light streaming in bouncing off the wooden floor, and that fresh pine smell with the mixture of tea leaves flowing in the air. I don't want curtains on my bedroom window, I want my bed to face the sunrise and the sunset. I want white duvae* covers, and my bedroom should consist of a little table on my right with a reading lamp. I want posters around my room with inspiring quotes from famous people. I want a book shelf shelved with antique books, I want chinese lanterns hanging from the ceiling, and paper cranes that hang softly around my big window. I don't want a tv set in my room. I want a cd player that playes music of the water trickling , or the roar of the thunder ( nature music ) I want James Blunt, and Celine Dion, and Faith Hill and Bob Marley to be streaming around me as I do my days job. I want a desk by ' my window ' with my cute little laptop, and paper fixed about. I want a painters eisle* set up and a sketching board to write down thoughts, flowers, practising my famous signature. I want photo-graphs * black and white * of my family, and friends, and loved ones. I want flower pots on my windo sill, and I must have a balcony that overlooks the ocean with the white sandy beaches , and the view of children running, and giggling for joy. I want the sun to be with me, as I walk in my days journey.

I want to think about you, and simply turn around and your there, smiling. I want to lean over, and smile. This smile of faith and time playing out to be untaped beauty. And I want to hold your stare for a while, and think of the future with you. Me and you can teach children the joys of this world, we can perfect the flaws of this life.
_________________________________________________________
Theres this scene in Titanic, when Jack and Rose are in the water, Rose is on a raft, and Jack is in the water holding on to her, feeling the cold and knowing his faith . Jack simply says to her;

Jack : " Rose... your going to find love, and have lots and lots of babies, your going to have grand children, and grow old, and you'll live for me and you...Promise me that Rose... Promise me.

Rose :" I promise Jack... I promise to never let go "

Jack stops breathing and he his dead, Rose simply lets him go into the ocean. She found love on the ocean, and she lets him go to the ocean. The beauty about Jack and Roses love is that it never perished, it continued it moulded into something better, it grew with vitality and acceptance in their heart. They simply promised eachother. Their love roamed in the ocean always living, never dying.

In the end of the movie Rose is a old women, and in her pocket is this blue heart diamond the reasearchers were looking for it in the Atlantic. As she told her story of Titanic, the reasearchers listened hoping to find that ruby heart through her story, and as she told them that blue ruby heart diamond sat in her pocket. Rose was selfish to give it up.. Want to know why ? It was real and true everlasting love, and she was not going to give that up. Rose simply walks to the railing of the boat, it's night time, and her hair has turned from a goldish red to grey, her skin is no longer supple and soft with her youth intact, she is a old lady. She takes her hand and pulls out the heart, and throws into the ocean...... after living out her life and in remembrance of Jack she gives her heart to the ocean where it belongs.

____________________________________________
Now that I have made myself sad, its time for bed :)

my sister is inspirational... shes my strength, and once I have her, it's straight coasting from here. Let's straight coast, huh ?

I crave to dream ...dreams. Ones of white light, and a open green field before my eyes, with a white hijab on, and everyone around me is moving so slowly and graceful. And this man comes walking in white, I can not see his face. And they are flowers everywhere, and this voice speaks to me in rhythm and echoe, I'm so privileged to even hear voices in my dream. So when I awake I'm reminded and somehow I can take those words and implement* them into my daily walk of life. Which gives me hope. It's hard to remain hope, that ' kind of hope'.

I pray to dream .

I noticed , and just re-track I write alot about ' marriage ' and ' dudos' .

maybe I'm going insane, yes ' insane '- I'm going to be single for the rest of my life :S. How did Alisha come to that thought, I just did, I followed my feelings-

my parents are rubbing things into me, and I hait it.. errrrr. I can't wait to turn 20..can't wait. 20 ah ( sigh) nothing is stopping me. 20 , 20 :D

I went to grant mac today, and I just walked to student union group, asked about the application process of getting involved, and volalala I'm getting involved, I can't bare this feeling of lonliness.

In other news I saw nareeta today my friend from ( jr.high) we go back to good days, good days, I'm happy shes there. Saw gr.9 CRUSH from zee past.. :(
nasty cotteyyy crush....I just walked by really fast, and all these embrassing thoughts started flooding my head, of when he found out I liked him, I can remember the day, we were in the library working on a collage, and I had scissors in my hands he started staring at me, this " sympathetic ", " apathetic*" stare like - awww I wish I liked you back- but your not my kinda of girl- don't pitty me , honestly. I had scissors in my hand remember, a " crazy gr.9 gal " scissors in hands. I remember never talking to him again, if I was alone with him in the classroom I would book it- he was nice about it, he was friendly about it. I just acted like a nerd about the whole situation * sigh*... he looks better than ever, his hair is crazy and all over the place, he has a goti, with a stud in his ears, his teeth are still flipped up, his clothes are all urban / soccer ...mmm ( shakes head NAHHH) he's still cute.

Saw the president of student council ( 2 times in weeks period ) really akward, really akward- maybe I shouldn't type about this stuff on my blog, he's probably googling my name as I speak.
He has curly hair, nice curly hair, he wears stripe shirts, and jeans, with nerdy shoes, that dudo looks fyne for my eyes.

hey this is my blog, I write crunked things, when I'm at home in my house , on a day like to day, a girl gets a little antzy .muahahah boooyayayaya babyeroies.

So I took a napp . I found with myself that I tire myself out to the most extreme , I work, work, work, till my eyes close. I bought a subway today just because I was forced to eat, and not fall sick. I walked around looking to eat with someone, and I found myself lonley , I haven't felt alone for some time. I wish I was busy up to my neck it is exciting. I bought my text books today looked through em they look interesting. ' Interesting ' blahh studying by myself is going to be hard this year. Was in the wrong line up to pay them fees, me and this girl were told off ' this line is closed ! Do you not see it blocked off ?" I wanted to tell the dude to go f* himself just because I'm in the most wrong mood , I just smiled my smile and said okay and walked off with the gal. She's pretty, smelled good too, I liked her style, something I would have worn back in the day . We finally got to the right room to pay ' them fees' we were talking ' she asked me what I'm taken and I told her, she said the program she was going in too, ironically she was entering into my second program of choice, it would have being nice to be in her classes, she said I would have being good at it she simply said ' your so nice '. I'm so nice, huh ? probably the most nicest thing a stranger has told me.

I went out to a family friends house last night, I wish I lived there or something , it's beautiful there, and I kept staring at the clock so it didn't hit the ' go-home time'. I love praying with the sisters, and the beautiful recitation of the sister- SubanAllah. We laughed , giggled, we bond more, I talked my usual funny talk ' of them finding me a dudo ' :) I command them to plan my wedding shower, and in all honesty I hope they take up the troublesome act , just seeing them talk among themselves, and bicker , and come to a final agreement is beauty for my eyes.
A sister gave me red bangles lastnight, pretty ones , can't wait to wear them for Eid, InshAllah, their beautiful, the person who gave them to me is beautiful. I'm sure she knows what I'm going through, I ask her questions on how to do special prayers without given away too much on why I seek this information, she guides me without asking ' why ', I love people who don't ask questions and just understands and accepts who you are, accept. ' Accept me or not. '

I was walking through down town today, and I walked through city hall, the city hall would make a great place to get married, it has nice marble stairs, if I'm correct, and it's nice for the trane of the dress to swoop down so elegant. There is room for people to dine up stairs on the balcony, and enough room to set up tables and chairs. Then after at night, the water fountain would be on, and candles would be floating in the water, a fresh new breeze would blow over me. A different breeze .

I was tempted to go into the mall, and pick out something nice for myself. I wanted to treat myself, I always treat myself. I was going to get new hush puppy boots, hopefully papa buys them for me. That's all I wear once it gets cold around here. I wear them with dresses, capris, sweats, black dress pants, you name it- usually when I'm strutting around at the mall or somewhere, I get this look at my face like ' mmm nice gal ' then one look to the boots- I get this look of ' CRAZY , womenizer who probably haits males ' :D. I love hush puppy boots, their FUNKAFIED.

I took work off for this week, and I like it somewhat , wait I'm lying to myself I miss work. I also miss alot of things, alot. I miss summer, while working and planning and getting ready for school and other things going on in life, I said I never got a summer, it sucked, big wrongo I learned so much about myself, I met new people, I experienced new emotions, I accomplished alot- I got closer to people. I'm going to miss it all , every day of it, every conversation I have had with people, and the eyes I have looked at, trying to figure them out by one stare, ladies and boiz the eye staring thing " talking with eyes " it doesn't work... it just doesnt :P.

I'm missing my friend she started school yesteryday, last year was our summer, this year was ' my ' summer. I can't wait to walk to second cup or Timz and drink coffee with her, she eases my mind and heart, I miss hasna alot - I miss our converstation on dreams, I miss Siham her wickid laugh ' cousin ', I miss Neda and her " want to take a picture every flipping five seconds ''. I miss so many people from uni, I even miss the janitor dude.

I'm a really droppey emotional gal, huh?

I miss camp, and ALL the gals.

I miss Victoria and the rastafarian dude, I miss looking at the ocean, I pray that it is not my last time to see a ocean. I miss the whales, and the boat rides, I miss sipping on tea for five hours me and mom having one- to one.

I miss Toronto. I miss aunty R.

I miss alot.

with peace and love;

alisha

So I'm sitting here once again, with my eyes burning from the heat of it all. I don't know how to begin. Talked to a sister this evening and she said that I'm hiding something, I fumble among my words - I beat around the bush , she told me ' Just say it '. I wish life was simple like that hun. I walked home from the bus - really dumbfounded walking the same path I did a year ago nothing has changed- walked by the green van and looked at myself in the tinted windows ' nothing has changed ' . A sister told me she wore the hijab because she was ' sick ' of bad things always happening to her , and within four days she became closer to Allah ( swt). I want change in my life, and the kind of change I want takes alot of emotions to stop what I'm doing to myself and to others. I always and still do stand by that if you practice the right way of a Muslim you should and always have faith, and seek hope , nothing can go wrong. I'm being tested again really hard, just sometimes I wish I knew the answers to my questions.

I was watching Oprah today I haven't watched that for so long, since I have being occupied with plenty of other things- It was on marriage , get that :). The doctor said that she just got married because she thought it was the key to happiness, and it wasn't -she lived more of her husband qualities then she did of her self, she forgot those flaws and perfection which made her that women. Sometimes loving someone can be mistaken for friendship, how do you make that black and white ? I have too much of grey matter floating around in my life- I want something solid.

I asked my mom today ' why didn't you lock me up in a room, and forbid me of talking to males'
She laughed ' hurting makes you more noble of these tricked games in life.

________________________
My husband has tons of stories to hear from me- I want to share this.

It's hard to forget good hearts, I pray that I forget , so I don't remember this part of my youth, because it's going to damage me.

AIYCamp 06 best camp ever, the feeling wow!, the experience I will take with me forever, this summer was the best thank Allah ( swt) . Words can not explain it , SubAnAllah.

I pray that I'm always around this company, you guys are my family :)

I have fought some sort of altering battle in myself, and I hope I know you well enough, well I pray I know some what of you - to love you, and pray for you for the sake of Allah (swt) I saw many views I wanted to share with you, I had so many words and prayers I wanted to share with you. And it was like I was held under water before I could see some glimpse of your eyes and your smile. To see you smile- is ' a smile '. To hear your voice is like ' the stream running softly never stopping, but always flowing so eloquent. ' I walked by the forest, and I was again fighting the temptation of your hand clasping with my hand. I saw the stars at night,and how I prayed I could lay on the field next to you, and just lay there, allowing time to flow by. I enjoy your silence- only your silence . I walked in a creek and my foot felt the smooth of the rock, and how I prayed you could walk with me down that creek that flows- for eternity. I prayed in a open field with the sun streaming onto me, and I dared to look at the sun- and pause, I prayed for you and me. I sat on a table- and I thought it through, why can't this ' feeling ' leave me, to cease all that I was and what I have become. When I'm alone your words play such strength that I listen to them and none other. I sat on the bus, and I looked to the sky, as I did all the time, and the tears streamed down, I'm not ashamed to cry- because I can't bare this feeling in me. I have patience, I have faith, I have hope in Allah that something of good will come of this.

I write all of this pretending to know your name- but I don't, and so I will pretend.

If we can get on the bus, it's all straight coasting from here :P.

O Allah ( swt ) guide me and my fellow brothers and sisters intentions to be true and clean to the deen of Islam, and this Ummah. Guide us through our days, for each day is it's own battle in it's self - for each second , minute, for hour that strikes, day, week, month, year that passes we are getting closer to our mark.

Time is evil, take advantage of it , fight it - we yes ' we ' have a duty we are obligated to the hightest capacity of Allah ( swt ) to come forth, set our strides out, let our voices be heard, for we , yes " we " are the strongest of mankind. If you have something in your hand take it , construct it, yes it will fall, but a good builder knows how to rebuild, re-think, re-invent. And if you have the opportunity to make something possible that can impact the souls of your brother, and sister " DO IT "- to pass it up is a sin ( I think ) because the opportunity has being guided to you by Allah ( swt ) has being put forth, and to throw away.. yes throw away ,because this life, has caught up with you-the business of it all. Wheel of this life has grappled you, and caught you- simply because you allowed it too , is something a soul must ponder about.

Don't say you're are tired - my friend work hard in this life, and rest in your grave till judgement day- if the heart pains, and stikes, just imagine if you work hard in this life, and do everything well in the eyes of Allah ( swt ) your heart does not have to flicker for a eternity, if you do the right things.

I don't make much sense, never do in my words or my speech, but I pray I make sense in the work that I do with the others- to work with your hands is more of a impact than words. why ?
you see the end product - you see the smiles.

I want to see smiles -

:)

BismAllah to the walk for today , and tomorrow.

......I can say this summer was fulled of experience, probably overflowing, and I like it like that, staying busy keeps one healthy ya ? . I'm going to miss it all.. everything, I have fallen in love with this .

Dance...Dance... move.. movee.. twist.. twist.. twirl.. twirl.. dance till it hurts.
I think when I get my own house iA, I would like to have a dance studio.. awesome sound system.. and all the faves of dance music. you name it from reggae. hip-hop, salsa, ball room -

:P

NO more late nights..school starts. :(

You make me strong, you make me weak, you gave me hope, you make me understand the way perfect love should be, you take me to a place so high that you don't even want to leave ......

your touch sets me free.

:)

I'm at work. well waiting for the clock to hit the big o 4...

Got a call today :) just random friend I barely know them, and they asked me ' how's life'. I barely know the kid, and he has some kindness and love in his heart . Makes my day, honestly. Through the hectic busy day to day , and they can make time for you.

Tonight I got loads of stuff to think about when I get home, I got make :

meeting plans
finish this pckg
call people in between working for stuff
____________
Tuesday :
Got too wake up early and figure out courses at school tomorrow, I WANT TO SHOOT THE REGis office ..errr.
Got work tomorrow at 4 again.
Make attendance list.
Breathe..........
pack my bags
____________-
Wednesday :
Get things into gear.
Check up on everyone.
Confirm.. Confrim.. Communicate.. Communicate.
meeting at 8.
come home sleep
_________________-
Thursday :
Game time baby :P

LET THE FUN BEGIN...... I want more... give me more !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don't be suprised if I'm walking and I suddenly fall- my body, my mind, k screw the heart, I'm so tired to even think about love/ sad crapp right now- I'm so exhausted , as well temptation and passion keeps lurring this mind . I'm so hungry, but for something else, and I'm mad / sad at myself I'm hungry for something else... K that doesn't sound well - mmmmm must meditate tonight.

massage on shoulder is NEEDED.

Why can't I put pics up..errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...ba-umbuggggg

' shurrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaapppp ya drunkard !!!!!!!!!!!!! '

LOL you crack me up HOMO :P

If I was a boy, I wonder what things I would have accomplished by now. But then again regardless of my sex or appearance, I would allow my blood to drip for the right cause, I would allow my sweat to paste on my skin, I would allow my heart to physically and literally flicker in pain every 10 seconds, and try to ignore it, and pray my hardest that I wake up tomorrow morning sunshine to carry and fulfill this. I would allow a dagger to go through my chest- if it's for the right cause . I would shed a tear, and share words of beauty with you- if it's for the right cause..

Build me something from the mud, and the pebbles which lay around your feet, which you walk so carelessely* and scatter about. Take that and build me a castle, you can mould from the base, and I ... yes I can sprinkle the water.

.................I'm a blind man wanting to see.

Truth bloody hurts..

I'm feeling it all over again - I thought I got rid of it. DONE WITH. But no I was a fool and got lost in this game - I got caught up - I pretended things would go my way. and look - simply alisha, truth has caught up with you. no ' reality' and it's hit ya harder than you think. Just sometimes I wish I never met certain people- because then I wouldn't have to go through ' this' again - it's a cloudy day, and I'm trying to escape it. Today was a good day, productive. My sister just had to come into my room, and without knowing what she was about to tell me. would devestate* me internally and physically. I just looked up to her and said ' don't you know I'm weak and I can not handle this ' I looked to her praying she had not said those words to me. And I asked her one more time ( praying inside she was lying or joking ) oh how badly I wanted her to joke and be like ' Fooled ya sucker ' and she simply laughed and said Yes- I asked her WAllah ? and she said ' yes '. I only ask that question unless something means ' alot ' to me.
She pretened to lye - but I know all too well - I just pray, and always will and still will, even though you are livng out your life, I will remember you.. - always, till the day I die. When I have children of my own I will remember you, when I have grandchildren - I will remember you. I will remember the words, your smile, your laughter , your scent, the hope in your eyes. I looked away because we matched too much- we were magnified and I couldn't hold or lock stares with you. for I would fall into this - helplessly fall into this. Sometimes I think and I re- question myself ..... any flaw between me and you... and there is none.. everything is perfect , then why?
then why ? does this happen. why do I feel? and why do you feel like this ? but we can not do anything about it ? me and you are exact in heart and rhythm, goals , dreams to be fulfilled. then why.. then why ? does this happen. are we too good or too beautiful , to allow to simply hold eachother, and agree to be complete this test of life together, in the eyes of Allah(swt).

To love someone is because their faithful in their religion, to love is to to be honest, and truthful, and to understand...maybe you will get yours , and mine as well. Somtimes I wonder if I should simply call this a ' phase' something that I will over come. But I've seeked, and found the truth, I have being lying to myself.. all this time...

good thinking kiddo

" Your name means no matter to me, only if I can call you my own ."

Oh gollyy mac folly :( somebody help me ..help !
_____________________________________
Tv going on in the back ' A Knights Tale '. It thunders here, the sky lights up to white, and back to black, can you hear from above ? When it thunders the air is warm, with a slight cooling breeze, I'm tempted to go outside in my backyard and twirl with someone, just dance.. and laugh silly... just to enjoy this moment takes patience of virtue... waiting and waiting.. the simple things are hard to achieve in life, just to go outside and twirl with somone.... it's the emotions that comes behind it, to get that simple emotion takes time. upon time...

Just to wake up at the crack of dawn, pull on a hoody and drag you along, and skip down the road, and just scream for joy .. that too takes time. To lay on the grass and get lost in the moment and not move and just simply lay there in your arms- that too takes time. To simply go for a walk at 3am in the morning - that too takes time.

I like to do things the opposite way - just get up and jump off the cliff into the water.

I'm tired of smiling alone.

LOL.. the dude at the bank, the GREEK dude muahaha, I see my sister with a dude like that for the future.. it was easy to make convo with him.. good convo... I walked away thinking mmm..? well that's not so bad , like to meet someone, just throw some laughs, and good personality and volalala ' hey would you like to get some coffee ' ... it was tempting to say YES.. a big fat juicy YES.... and all these fairy dusted thoughts were zoning my head ' conversation ' good conversation ....and eyes.. mmmmmm EYES.. to dream for... I haven't seen a goodlookn dude with a wickid personality for..mmmm LONG TIME...*sigh* I had my summer romance love for 30 mins while standing at the bank counter.. waiting and hoping he wouldn't stop asking me questions.. but REALITY kicks in, good old reality.. * sigh* today I felt like a girl :)

greek mmmm nice place to visit..

keep dreaming lee

I'm so tired....................

distants may grow. but be reminded your closer than you think, I just need to place my hand on my heart, and I know your in there somwhere....

I know, not " I think " or " I hope " I pray that my honeymoon is something like this, with my soul mate :) I'm not that gal that's for the white egyptian cotton sheets on her bed at the Hilton, or the free fancy soaps, and lotions one gets, or the fresh aroma of coffee brewing downstairs in the lobby. I'm the type of gal that likes to wake up to cold air, with my back knowing the earth beneath me , I'm for the smell of coffee brewing over the fire, I'm for the sun rise and the sunset.

Ok deep breaths...... TODAY IS FLIPPNG WEDNESDAY.....

THURSDAY
FRIDAY
SATURDAY
SUNDAY
MONDAY
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY

:D

get ya behind in gear gal

Death is not a end to love...

__________________

I should NOT be ALLOWED to watch movies like this bymyself on a nice summer night, in my dark living room. I cry too much.

chocolate green mint ice-cream. with a big metal spoon - flip the carbs and sugar and the sodium just flippp it, my but is never going to go away.

:D volala gotta love being a women.

i hope you dance

hope you never lose your sense of wonder

You get your fill to eat

But always keep that hunger

May you never take one single breath for granted

God forbid love ever leave you empty handed

I hope you still feel small When you stand by the ocean

Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens

Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance

Never settle for the path of least resistance

Living might mean taking chances

But they're worth taking Lovin' might be a mistake

But it's worth making

Don't let some hell bent heart

Leave you

When you come close to selling out

Reconsider

Give the heavens above

More than just a passing glance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance (Time is a real and constant motion always)

I hope you dance (Rolling us along)

I hope you dance (Tell me who) I hope you dance (Wants to look back on their youth and wonder) (Where those years have gone)

I hope you still feel small When you stand by the ocean

Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens

Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

Dance I hope you dance I hope you dance (Time is a real and constant motion always) I hope you dance (Rolling us along) I hope you dance (Tell me who) (Wants to look back on their youth and wonder) I hope you dance (Where those years have gone) (Tell me who) I hope you dance (Wants to look back on their youth and wonder) (Where those years have gone)

Lee Ann Womack

______________________________________________________________
Fits my mood.

I feel so good right now ,AlamdiouAllah. I just finished talking to my high-school friend. She went to Lebanon and was there as the war was going on, and is still going on. Listening to her made my eyes open wider and wider. We didn't talk for a year not because we were mad with eachother just because we got busy with our own lives, school , work, extra things on the side , family, and walking in this busy life. What's so beautiful is that when I saw something that reminded me of her I didn't have to question ' I wonder if she's mad at me or has forgotten about me ?" I just knew that we still had a friendship, a sisterhood that is strong that no one can break it, what touched me is when she said the same thing, ' For that whole year I knew you weren't mad at me Alisha, you just got caught up with life '. I never told her I went to Toronto in December and saw Sami Yousef perform, or of the things I have experienced in life, and the beautiful souls I have met, and wanting her to meet aswell. She feels the same as I do, and whats so beautiful is that I picked up the phone and we picked up from where we left off.

That's a true friend...... someone that understands with out having to ask ' why ' and ' how come '. A person that smiles, and reassures you of what you have done and said, they are a piece of your heart with the other pieces from the other souls you so dearly admire and love.A true friend is someone that will be there for you without keeping in touch with them, you can call in one year, or 10 years, and you can pick up the old pieces and start back again.

To understand is to love



I miss her, and she has changed so much , for the best , and I'm so happy for this.

Allah (swt) is Ghafour and Rahim...and has veiled my faults from the people and I praise and thank him for that....it was lessons to be learned and reflected apon...its all the qadr of Allah (swt)....some things you think that were bad for you were actually good and things you thought were good were actually bad...I guess that why we contiously ask Allah (swt) for guidance...

I'm so blessed by the workings of Allah ( swt ) on my soul for knowing these beautiful people. Sometimes you should raise your head, and look around at the people that love you, love is blind. true love is blind.

As I said I know of the love that will carry me on... AlamdiouAllah for that

"Tears And Rain"

How I wish I could surrender my soul;Shed the clothes that become my skin;See the liar that burns within my needing.How I wish I'd chosen darkness from cold.How I wish I had screamed out loud,Instead I've found no meaning.I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.How I wish I could walk through the doors of my mind;Hold memory close at hand,Help me understand the years.How I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell.How I wish I would save my soul.I'm so cold from fear.I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.Far, far away; find comfort in pain.All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.

________________________

Sipping on some afternoon tea ( green mint says it relaxes the nerves ) This song blasting in my eardrums, it has made home within me . Jeezz I need to find someone .

Transitions are hard with the heart.

I have this beautiful feeling in the pit of my stomach , and it feels like it wants to grow within me. Words can not describe it.

You don't understand how sad and shocked I 'm , I can't even deal with the thought that my summer is done :( like does anyone want to cry with me, it just went by tooo fast.. * sigh* ...that's life, I never got to enjoy it, and I'm for all happiness, and enjoyment..mmm
So much happened this summer, that I just shove it aside and keep on walking, I'm kinda happy that I'm strong and haven't give into emotions like sadness, instead I just kept my head up and keep on walking, forgive me if I'm acting like a bitch, but my sadness just rubs of like that, just trying to put some barrier up with myself so I don't give in to emotional talk and start..well you know what ... all is Khair from Allah.

okay off to bed I go . nigh, nigh.

This is me in a couple of years :)

so I just came back from a very nice evening out at family friends house, was a nice day today AlamdiouAllah, me loves a house full of people. I vow when I get a place of my own, friday night parties, saturday nights, and even sundays, doesn't matter what time of day, we having a partayy :) mmmmm

I'll serve all of ya tea, and good food, HOPEFULLY by then I know how to strain noodles lol..

Hello my name is ' ms.love-bug ' :D, and these are the type of movies I watch by MYSELF at night, in the darkness, and the tissue box or my blanket, most cases my banky are there as my friends, and wipes away my tears- Okay the second movie ' Dirty Dancing ' - Havana Nights, k ladies and gents just the word ' Havana ' breathes ' summer bliss ' ..ya :P ? , otay so me watching this movie tonight, so expect some long drawn out blogg either 3 am this morning, or 8am tomorrow morning..yah you feeling me..mmm lol... I think if I'm still single by 23 I'm enrolling myself into dance classes at night..yeh :D.

You know the new movie ' Step it up ' hot summer movie, mixed with ballet and hip -hoping, that's my kinda style.. If I had it my way, I would have gone to some dance school :) dreams should not be suppressed :( mm..yah anooyoo I guess I have my bedroom, and I can stubb my feet some more on my dresser or on the hinge of my door. and my mom is standing at the door entrance just staring at me , with her mouth open lolll... yeh beaceeeeeeeee outzzzzzzzz kildreeen :D

If the world crashes down over me
I know that my life is complete
Because I held you in my arms for so long
And I can not imagine life with out.
I hope it's not too late I want to make you understand
If the world crashes down over me, I know that my life is complete
Because I held you in my arms for so long.
You make me strong, you make me weak, you give me hope, you bring me close to you.
hope it's not too late I want to make you understand.

Don't fool yourself if you can't stop

so today I kinda cussed under my breath... mmm maybe alot in mind, maybe it was more smiling, but more bad words thrown about inside. I learned that I need to step my game up big time.. big time... I need to practice on ALOT of things, or maybe I'm being too hard on myself, I want perfection, and I can never get it. I can't even remember the email that I use all the time, I'm just tired so, yeh give me some grace.. I'm reallyy tired, I'm tired but I'm really happy inside, I've laughed for these few days, because it's the most human interaction I have had, and I know I will miss it so dearly so when school starts, and then Ramadan, then exam time, then winter vacation, and working and doing stuff in between the time, we never take a rest huh Alisha.? My grandpa told my dad , in which my dad told me ' the only time you rest is in your grave until judgement day, so I mean when I feel tired and totally exhausted, and my vein in my foot is throbbing, or my back feels like I just pushed out thriplets, or when I come out from the shower I have to stable myself from falling - overworking my body. I haven't ran for a long time, my butt is growing in size, my face is a whole different issue, my hair is ok. I just feel like a hagg..mm :( yah hagg is the word.

Alright it's time to go nigh..nigh. :) without the ( t )

The first picture I want with you, is in black and white.

' Just the two of us, we can make it, if we try '

mmmmmmm, maybe I should take a english class again.

I wish me and my sisters native tongue was spanish, why couldn't the spanish peeps colonize Guyana instead of British, Dutch, and French ..huh? yeh well Venzula* is right nextdoor to our country. Mmm I wish I knew another language.... I pretend to speak Spanish but really I'm taken all the words I pick up from those dramaishss 'Tel A Tino Espanol network' channel 80 me thinks..... spanish soaps are dramish... I mean what the heck I think all dramas from over seas are wayyy over done.. just too much blonde in the hair, too much dark eyeshadow, tight pants, boobs popn out everywhere..... too much flicking of the hear, and lips making kissing motions, and eye brows drawn on, looking like their ' shit don't stink ' my mom refers to that saying alot... don't ask.lol.. anyoo I'm typing random stuff here...

BUT I WISH I KNEW HOW TO SPEAK SPANISH.

and I need to know the difference between ' to ' and 'too' and ' know ' and ' now ' and 'no ', and what else spelling Islamic names..mmm :( I won the spelling bee contest in gr.3 at the old school house, my mama dressed me up as a pioneer, I was the best dressed blackish prairie lookn gal in that class room mauahahah baby ! ... my sister often tells me ' I feel sorry for your kids' - I'm kinds seeing those fears come true, I want my kids to smart.... and mmm I need to spell right if I'n going to teach them things... mmmm * sigh* motherhood for me... I can't type more because I fear for my future a little bit ... let's say ALOT, I have lots of things too learn about..

buh bye.... shakes head * ruffles curls *



maybe future hubby will speak espanol..mmmm

dreams too come
___________
I just read this and theres s /p errors... I just type too fast.. I'm not going through this, and correcting..

'" I'd give ya a hug any day ."

:)

I wonder how I will be when I'm 70?? mmmmmm

Try this boiz and gals, getting your arms waxed at the same time. HOT WAX.. the things a girl must go through, labor, other stuff.. lol

gotta love it gals

K me taken a break.... my sleeping pattern is messed, the girl does not sleep past 2 now :S. I dunno theres always something to do or create..mmm yeh . AlamdiouAllah today was a nice day. very good day, AlamdiouAllah again . Okay I'm listening to backstreet boiz don't ask moi ;)
I was going to dlt the post down below because it's melted charred cheezy over done in microwave cheezy . lol.. Okay my but is taken the size of the chair.. yeh as my mother says. I need to go running, it always rains tho..mmm running in the rain is acutally good.. yeh

ok mates, my eyes are geetting bluuurreddd... * shakes head * and ruffles locks.

K me taken a break.... my sleeping pattern is messed, the girl does not sleep past 2 now :S. I dunno theres always something to do or create..mmm yeh . AlamdiouAllah today was a nice day. very good day, AlamdiouAllah again . Okay I'm listening to backstreet boiz don't ask moi ;)
I was going to dlt the post down below because it's melted charred cheezy over done in microwave cheezy . lol.. Okay my but is taken the size of the chair.. yeh as my mother says. I need to go running, it always rains tho..mmm running in the rain is acutally good.. yeh

ok mates, my eyes are geetting bluuurreddd... * shakes head * and ruffles locks.

' I'm proud of your achievements lee, always I'm , remember I will support you , but not through idoleness*"

' Thanks papa , always know I'll be here for you, even though I'm 19 and poor :) lol '

You know when they say they will always be there for you- it means through it all, through the tears, the yelling, the throwing, the shoving, the slamming, the words thrown about, but in the end the most beautiful feeling is to sit on your dads lap, and lay your head on his chest ' ( I'm just happy I didn't bust my dads legs lol ' - I want to make my parents happy, I want my dad to talk me down the aisle one day, or whenever, this is my ultimate dream to feel, and to embrace with honor and happiness, as I'm in white, the door opens, and the crowd looks, and I'm smiling so much, that a tear strolls down, and my dad turns to me, and smiles and I look to him, and smile, and I walk those few last steps with my father as that baby, that littl girl, that teenage girl, that young lady, that young women- sooning to become that complete women, and in those few moments, everything I went through, my yellow baby dress, the seagull poking at my chubby legs, the holidays, the brooken tooths, the calming of my mothers hands on my head, my dads smell - my sisters laughter, rough talk which makes me strong, and I look to a stranger that I'm ready to live the rest of my life with, someone that I only know of a few years is willing to marry me, takecare of me, and for me to takecare of him, give me children, allow me to be the mother of his kids, and to be grandparents with eachother, and to travel this world together, to walk our strides together, and to always reach for eachother - always reach for eachother, to understand, because to understand, is to love.

To smile, and ' encourage ' them for the best. I'm willing and him aswell to live those precious years left of our life together- ain't that something ? For us to complete eachothers faith in the eyes of Allah....wow that's something.

Maybe I'm just Alisha Shah. Maybe I'm alot of things, maybe I'm not, maybe I'm half or quarter of somethings, I'm still not that sculpter, I'm still mixing my cement together, I'm still adding water, I've yet for the cement to touch the blade and start basing, start moulding.

We are all sculptures, we get formed, chipped, broken, shattered, evenutally, eventually we sculpt eachother back.

maybe I shouldn't write this stuff in the open. then again you never know when your last day can be, so share whatever beauty you have.

I need you.
Like water, like breathe like rain.
I need you like mercy from everyones cage.
Theres freedom in your arms, that carry me through.
I need you, oh yes I do.
I need you.....

I've learned to put my foot down, but when I do , a tear falls on my shoe :(

forgive me If I'm being rude- tell me to smile If I frown.

house phone aint workin
computer being a old hagg

I'm waiting for a reallyyy IMPORTANT phone call that can make smile...after one flipping year I get to know - my faith for this year...?? I make no sense

but you know when you want something really bad, and your relentless, and theres no option of failing of feeling like a failure... I just raise my hands to Allah, Khair if it's supposed to happen it will .. InshAllah

:)

someone buy me a laptop, and camera too .

*sigh*

I want someone to place hot stones on my neck, maybe I will collect some stones from my backyard boil them, put lotion on my neck, and place them there, and volalala same effect, I'm poor I can't afford a spa treatment.

Anyoo going to bed 4 in the morning, is just simply wrong, and waken up at 10:30, and you have work at 4-9pm tonight.. shudders. my day is gone.

I'm excited to photo-copy my stuff :) Alisha is a nerd... big time, the only thing that makes me happy is organizing, planning, thinking ahead , doing, creating , I actually have used my head this year.. wow good job Lee.lee....I can say I handle stress quite well :D.

mmmm.. yeh im off to take a shower.. i feel grosss.. yuck ( shakes head )

mmm... soo bored..

If I was married right now ' if ' ( lol ) let me have some fun.. I would order pizza, and rent movies, and mmmm - blast music really loud, even tho I gotta wake up for work the next morning at 8 lolll - I would, yeh No order in my life...

k I'm done. :)

I want to write something more.. more ...more. I'll come back to this .

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Okay today was H-DAYS, not me kinda H-DAYs anymore, me and friends were talking on how eventful, and exotic, and fun it used to be * sigh* I guess I'm outgrowing things, mm I ussed to go all three days, now just one, and for 4 hrs I just roamed the ground with girls, was nice- didn't talk much, I notice I don't talk much, I just smile, simple ' Hello how are you ' I notice I don't hugg much, I hugg just I donoo the close ones to me now , nmmm saw a friend from way backs, me and her go ways backs, and were talking - ' Remember how much time we had on our hands to talk on the phone go out everyday- how many friends we kept in CLOSE touch with , remember the trips to Wagner, Harry Ainlay, Northside - you name it, the skipping, the fake notes, the idol time we used to talk about our dreams, the shopping, every other weekend ' we need more ' now it's more like, I need new pants because a.) I got fat or skinny :) or b.) they have tores in em, or c.) you need to step your game up :P . Which ever way , and now and now as one ages comes responsibility, commitments one must fulfill, paving your way in this world, the future that we manage to hold by the cups of our hands. O golly I wish I was young, I no I'm 19 and I don't want to age 20 ... or even 30 , they say when your 20 10 more years to thirty why can't they use the word ' decade ' seems more longer. And when your 20 or mm let's put it this way when ' I ' am 20- I gotta thing serious things , I gotta make my future, and I gottta sculpt , I guess I will always be sculpting my life.

So theres 4 weeks left till dooms day school. yayaya, I'm not going to Uni this year :( , sigh oh wellesers program of choice for me is at gmac - I'm going to miss some people though, the atmposphere, the $1.00 peach tea, subway, the cleaning guys, the interfaith dilouges msa would hold, Jummah, SUB :( ... studying together, and praying together, they say those who ' pray together , stay together ' AlamdiouAllah if that is true, I pray I don't loose ties with these friendly lovely souls. I'm going to miss going to EARLS together for friends b-day, I'm going to miss Rutherford, and the BOB MARLEY guy I was soon falling in love with , because he had dreads, and his style was bon apetit :) I'm going to miss ALOT of things, I'm really sentimental, my mom says and friends aswell , that I need to break it, it will carry me to my death.

O well I have reasons to go back there: sisters is going there InshAllah, and WORK :)

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Next thing I need to type about, Ramadan is coming up InshAllah :) - prayers at night, the smell of green tea and honey, my mom frying and baking things, the aroma of sweet spices, friends and family coming over for Iftar, breaking fast with friends, waken up in the morning, to my dad making eggs for me ' Lee eat them it's good protein , it will keep you up ' ' yes sir ' , my mom shoving everything in sight down my throat , banana, milk / o.j / water / viatmins / bread / meat / sugar / I just eat it cuz a.) too tired to fight back. b.) when lunch time comes knocking around and I see everyone eating pizza , anything with melted cheese I go CRAZY , I just stare at this person ' like I'm going to stalk you ' , and make this big gulp . lol..

Then coming home, from the cold air- shouldn't be too cold this year Ramadan falls around middle of Septish InshAllah, it will be pretty the sun setting, the leaves on the ground, I love autumn :) , me coming home, mom talking to me, as it goes through the right out through the left, trying to take a shower, rubbing baby oil on my skin, putting baby oil on my face, my mom has to braid my hair. I donoo it's a Ramadnish tradition with her, catch up on Salat, my mom says I need to be clean before breaking my fast, so the Shytan is away , me : ' ma their locked up ?"
mom : ' still one must be clean before the eyes of Allah ' ... true. Me sitting with my hijab half crooked on my hair, my mom adjusting it , and tying it tight, my eyes are glued on the microwave - green digits, taken flipping forever, then ah yes. eating time, mom says to wait a 1 minute grace, then eat, the cup of tea warms the face, and I sipp it , I eat my dessert my mama made, and then I pick at the dinner, wait around, stare at the sky, and pray Maghrib, come down, and eat dinner, man when your fasting and you eat that dinner, it's the best taste in your mouth, AlamdiouAllah. Between this time, long- distances calls are coming in from Toronto, my moms family, me and my sister and dad eating away, chuckling to each other, what ma is saying, I start washing dishes, after I get into Mosque clothes, fill up my water bottle, beacuse I get thirsty, rub some atar on me, and off we go to Mosque, see the little kids running around, hug aunties.
Man I love RAMADAN. :) and I just noticed i'm the biggest geek. i TYPE ABOUT THE MOST RANDOM THINGS EVER. convo is needed ??

__________________________

I'll write about Eid tomoorow. I do know that I want one of those jingle things, hijabis wear on their head..mmmm :)

______________________
my B6 pill kicks in, I'm a hungry teddy bear tonight..gigllee.

I just finished praying Isha, got up took off my hijab, my binders just fell, tried to stakc em up again, and out from this folder , came tumbling a letter, ahh yes I remember, was so long ago, so much as changed in the world, this city, eveyones lives either for the good or bad, which ever way , honor it.

Reading those words made me smile, a good smile, and I'm so thankful for the lovely souls I know in this life.

:) I got to smile today, AlamdiouAllah.

k me printing ain't working, I got tons of stuff to print.

................. photo-copyn machine here i come, with 30 buks :D

I'm sooo despearate * to talk too somone my age... everyone is at hertiage days, I'm beyond pissed, and everyone in my house is sleeping, I have my drivers, and in my garage is parked two nice vechicles, I have new clothes..like hot clothes, my hair looks nice -

I haven't had a summer, the only way to doing fun, hyperish dear devil activites is to get married, and start living MY LIFE, I'm 19 ...19 , with money in my account - Ya Allah please let me find somone, ... that's my ticket out of here..

this post is over the edge, but you no what I really could give two hoots about anything anymore...

SO PISSED OFF ..

"If you want to be in love, but you yourself can not make the first move, and think that he or she will come to you and proclaim his or her love to you, and you expect too wait, and have faith, and cry tears, and hope that you will share your day with them, but nothing happens - nothing will ever happen "

conversation from friend late.late latee.lastnight .

I feel like dancing with someone, too bob marley, and just forget about everything for 5 mins, can anyone do that ?

mmm I'm hyper, and I just finished dancing, when I dance I get soo happyy.. I'm such a nerd I smile to meself, and I think of dreams too come.. * sigh* soo many.. I pray iA, I get to feel them.

mmm bored..bored.. girl.. bored.. girl. that's it I need some fun...
time to meet people , I got 3 weeks left... mmm

extoicnesssss ?

You know what me thinks I'm going to buy that malcolm* x shirt

" Truth is on the side of the oppressed "

:)

I think I'm going to rent that malcolm X movie again, the one where Denzel Washington acts in. damn that movie is worth tears.

oK.. stopp blogn lee, lee

to go or not too go
to go or not too go
to go or not too go
to go or not too go

I flipping can't make up me mind, I don't NO HOW TO COOK, so I'm of no use ? :(

Confessions of women hood just being made.

_____________________________
Were having familo over from out of town, and their coming at 4pm, I already set the table, cleaned my room, replied to emails, doing stuff - I want too go for a run, I have new clothes, and I want to wear them - I want to have a bigg huge party of my own, noo not like ' a pizza party ' type of partay thing - where people order pizza just eat and go, I want music, pretty music, piniata ...like game playing - water fights, play go hide and seek with my barbie walkie talkies...

k I need to goo dooo mans work. that's all im good for. lifting things with me noodle arms.

k pufff bye

You know for the past two mornings I have awoke to this sad/ happy feeling, like " Khair " , leave my hands up to the sky, and allow Allah ( swt ) to do his workings of beauty on my soul and this world I live in. Feels like someone has died, but no just simply have to turn away close you eyes, and cry inside. My dreams are very vivid, and holds a message behind it, " guidance " from Allah( swt ) I ask before going to bed, I get up on my kness and look to the sky " Guide me Allah whatever is in my path, allow me to feel contentment of happiness, and ease in my life , let me always seek for knowledge and beauty in this life ", yes I'm Muslim, AlamdiouAllah , I do not speak Arabic, or any other language, I do not have a culture identity, my parents are from Guyana, SouthAmerica, and I have freinds from all sorts of backgrounds, and I have taken from every culture a piece of it's token and wrapped myself with it, I know some words from Urdu, Arabic, Spanish, portuguese , french, I just fit in I guess ? :) , what I'm trying to say ...
I got lost in my own words. wow.

okay, let's just pray my mom lets me go out today, we have company coming in, and I got yelled at plus lecture from her, while coming home from a nice evening out with my friends, I told her I wanted to go too hertiage days- and yeh the rest is history, I don't bother to shout back or defend I just look at her. like I really don't care -

let's hope my weekend is ok.

One must always faith, to see the finish line.

In the beginning you have so much passion, motivated beyond belief, you can carry the world on your shoulders even mars, in the middle you start too bend, and you tell your self must not buckle under these constraints, you can taste the sweetness on the tip of your tongue, your so determined now, I've come this far, NO one and I MEAN NO ONE , is going to push me or topple me, and you stand your guard, you defend, and you count on know one else, you push. and you bite and grith your teeth as your enemy lashes unbroken words arond you, rip the shirt of my back give me 5 lashings, but I tell you mate, I ain't going down, I ain't falling, NO ONE CAN BREAK ME. I moulded myself with Gods touch, and faith.

Squeeze my skin and collect the blood of my soul, burn my skin - choke me, suffocate me, all of this can be healed, but NO ONE CAN break a MANS mind or heart.

You can be a slave, walk in the sand of the desserts, I don't care for water, I don't care for your flat mat of hay to sleep on, but no man take away another mans sense of pride and beauty, and character.

In the end, no one can take away that one essential thing that makes you that walking soul.

I've learned, to always keep my character... it's done good for me , and for the future to come.

__________________

I've written , and walked , and spoked one chapter of my life for this year, it's time to turn the pages, and re-ink my mind.

AlamdiouAllah for everything.

K ... heres the dealo.

If I got something to say or DO, imma SAY and DO? okay. Just that, it's for the best.. expect more truth, I don't care if it's mean or nice.. imma say it..okay ?

:) kk bed time

I just finished watching ' Pirates of the Carbiean*" the sea creatures GROSS me out, and the teeth.. yuck! but the most part I loved was in the begining of the movie when she's sitting in her wedding dress, the rain is pouring, and her wedding is in ruins. That set is beautiful..:)

Okay I need to see " Mistress of Spice " just the title alone is tempting :P, and I need to see
" Navitity"?? and mmm and I must see Miami Vice for some summer action :) and I haven't seen that V-movie?? Because my sister is helpless and lazy, when we want to do something, and either friends are working, and I'm done my shift. so yah , so yah.. o golly, my folly :)I got one whole weekend to thy self.. sigh* relief, relief, I'm making myself a spa, candles going on in the bathtub, bob marley blasting , bath salts, what more can a girl ask for .and o yeh! cherries,, berries. my ferries . So heritage days or that event ? heritage days or that event. well its going to rain tomorrow, that means the ground is going to be wet, but all freinds are going on saturday :( choices one must make.. then sunday company over for breakfast...again :( , then monday mama is meeting her Jamican friends.. man the carbiean booth makes summer , steel drumz, gals busting out cornrolls on eachothers head, maybe I should get my hair corn rolled again ?? I have, and I look " hard / cold mean / gansta looking thuggn sista :) wrong idea. anyooo Umm.. my computer is crap, and doesn't work for me.

okay.. I wish people would update blogs.. o wellersers.. when school time comes , gotta get out of this mode.. sigh* , I'm going to be all by myself at school :( ...

I was putting on blush just before going out, and I looked and stopped, and I breathed, and I closed my eyes. I wish I had never said those words. I really wish I hadn't , I wish I had saved that beauty. I wish I had stayed the same wholesome person before all of this.

I wish I had remain that naive, person. I wish. I learned I can't say NO to people, because I love people too much. I know now of the love that will carry me on in this life for now.

I wish. All had not happened. And I pray for the most happiness to come in the future.

I know my current faith.

the word ' love ' should not be thrown about.

I was putting on blush just before going out, and I looked and stopped, and I breathed, and I closed my eyes. I wish I had never said those words. I really wish I hadn't , I wish I had saved that beauty. I wish I had stayed the same wholesome person before all of this.

I wish I had remain that naive, person. I wish. I learned I can't say NO to people, because I love people too much. I know now of the love that will carry me on in this life for now.

I wish. All had not happened. And I pray for the most happiness to come in the future.

I know my current faith.

the word ' love ' should not be thrown about.

correction :

armamaam * cough * NOT MY WEDDING :)

.... friends

lol

Okay so I had one big fat lovely day off, sitting on my behind.. well actually walking and talking the most today vola :) back in dee action.

I had to take the bus with my sister to some dirty 1800 looking school good old ' victoria composite highschool" :) , then I walked back to downtown, and met hasnoon for breakfast/ coffee / venting / slash letting all the emotions out. felt damn good :) . We sitting next to fire place, ya'll should check out the second-cup in downtown infront of shoppers... so beautiful, and it was raining this morning, and they were playing pretty songs :(...

So yeh me and Hasnooonn had the talk, and then we went shopping, like big time shopping for hertiage days, thats right boys and girls im off this weekend from work, family coming in from out of town , what more can ms. alisha ask for ?? I got some nice clothes.. nice clothes, then we walked around some more, today was overall the most relaxing day.. felt soo good, like I was dipped in the hot tub. Got home mama made some red-lobster lookish food, and I ate, opened up good old g-mail, brought a smile to my face :) , stuff looking good.. life looking olalal sigh, dreamy, whipcream, finga looking, dairy queen good , don't listen to me.

So now mama is home, packing away gorcceries, im off for my evening walk, want to join ? - James Blunt rocking my ears- mmm..so yeh the Tusacan sun is on cbc.. watch it :)

What more... yeah WEDDING comine up :) :) :) partayy...partyy... tear, crying happy. loving wedding.

okay me off.. into the sun set the warrior rides of on her black stallion...

I had a dream lastnight.. flipppnnn weird..

yeh ?

my dad told me I'm a man. He told me I have strength, courage, determined, seeing the finish line, he says I'm the type of female to enter the army, looking like the average slain bird, get beat up, spit at, but then after I get up, look at my enemy in the eye, and smile, and tell him ' God bless your soul' .

Theres more left to life love.

can someone rub my head?

k its being a long day, no calls no msn. no nothing tomorrow. sleeping.

im off to eat food.

look at me.

I'm listening to James Blunt, he has accent ya'll no that. To calm the nerves...

*sigh* take me to the ocean, and let me dip in it, let my feet scrunge in the mud mixed with the sand below, allow a fish to slither past my naked legs, allow my hands to be wrinkled, allow the salt to heal my skin, I want to swim in unknown and get lost, I want to be cold, and shocked. Allow a white ship to come knocking on my raft, and allow it's yellow rope to be hung down for me to , to once grip the known , that I'm so feared to climb up . Leave me like this, I'm content and have made friends with lonliness.

Allow the sun to shade my skin to a different born color, allow the beauty of my eyes to be defined by the amount of red veins, and swellings I have endured from those salted tears on land, I rather be friends with the salty tears from this dark unknown ocean, I have tasted every bit of know salty tear out there.


He's beautiful

You know what ? you know what...oh you know what ?

The most happiest care free day of my life will be my wedding day InshAllah. White SILK dress, white veil drapping down, nice cute bun, side bangs, with a simple silver necklace on, with pearl earings.... and red roses :) with a cute little flower girl throwing petals to the ground, with my dad walking me down the aisle arm in arm, and I'll have this big smile on my face :D, my face will be red I won't have to wear blush, I'll be tearing, and I won't look up mr.whom to be before. hey says ' accept, accept. accept ' and i say accept, accept, accept, then I will simply hold his hands squeezn it, walk down the aisles as mr. and mrs ???? , smile say thanks you for coming ? O hey! I'm off to africa, and cuba won't be back for some months. finish up on thos files won' ya ?

And then...oh and then the big grand finale, I'll get my sister to rent out this ball room , I'll close the door.. ditch the key, and plant this big KISSS on his lips... and tell him ' what took you flippn so long , huh ?" , and then... we will have our first dance.. just no ordinary dance like funky.. sillyy. droppeyy cheezy dance.. we'll pose for photes, and then I will sing to him, and then and then..... :)

I'm just reallyy stressed...over..hey what the heck everything :) most dramatic , climatic , highpeaking , pimple stage of my life... cortisol is secreting like hell, its having a party. because I'm stress, I've lost color to my face..... I look tired... I'm just a walking , dead human being, not interacting with my peers, just on work, talk to people, bus, pray, food, msn, blog, talk, make calls, sigh*.. walk some more... watch tv. pray.. ..tears......play ruzzle with my thoughts..and sleep...
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I just typed this hait blogg, its not me. so i dlt it , those that read.... hope ya enjoyed mate

I miss doing prank calls, and my friends taken our couch cushions and suffocating me with it, because before the prank they would all say ' alisha this time, don't laugh ' you always ruin with your fat voice '. And I would stare at the person pranking on the phone, and I would jump up and down, running from one room to the next like a black man just laughing is head off, and saher would cover my mouth with her hands, my sister would choke me at the waist, and I would get a gulp of air. and be like ' hahahahaha are flipppn for real, are you flippn for real ' :D.

I miss the skiing*, lol * tryin * to ski. I miss me falling of the bunkbed being the mature one being ' Imma wake everyone behinds up for fajr '', and I step off the top bunk thinking im stepping onto the carpet, but I land from a 5feet bed, and sista H, is laughing her head off, I miss singing like Alicia Keys, I miss getting cold sores, and every flipping person I talk too I have to cover my mouth, and muffle ' I have a coldsore don't look ' and then they look ? lol haha..ah alisha. I miss screaming my lungs off, in the canoe..... and sista H, pretending everything is calm. I miss going down the hill, with skis, on with the wind chapping my face... I miss falling down the stairs with my nice dress and shoes on, I miss slipping on the ice .lol and the comment my sister made. I miss *pretending* to know where we are going, like given directions, and everyone looks at me, like wanting to push me down lol hahahah. I miss studying togehter with everyone. I miss us making food from home. me cooking 3'oclock in the morning, what the flip was I trying to do ?? I miss laughing so hard that I had to tell them to be quiet lol. I miss everything...

I miss crossng my eyes, and shaking my head, acting like a nerdo, I miss the dance parties, I miss so much. man wow .

okay enough with this... time for some chicken..then work ..then work :)

I just finis packing my face with a bag full of cherries, I've had 2 cups of cofa so far and its only 9:20am, and I'm tired, and work hasn't started, expect some calls today friends, from a bored girl. Anyo I put a blue jell ink pen.... olalal for 3 buks, I also lost 5 buks. I also I'm tired, and when I go to bed at nights, I can't sleep, but I reallyyy need to sleeep, this time the mind is overworking.
When I lay down on my bed,, I'm looking out to the sky, and all these moments, ideas, voices, come and ruzzling in this head of mine, I pray outloud, and I soon fall asleep, thinking of this bitter sweet thought.


k' me outz. luvs yah :)