You ever get that big bulge of vain pumping on the side of ya neck, and your pulse is going really fast, and your hot, and you can't breathe and your eyes burn, and you don't where too go, your dead lost in the middle of no where and of no return. You ever feel weary and contrary* of choices one MUST make in order to be successful.
People...People...People... Do not CO-OPERATE . They major in mis-communication and minor in telling the truth.___________________________
I once went to this ship in Vancouver, well it's this nice fancy mashyyy restaurant where it's 3 digits to order some dried card-board white chicken with tomatoes going on in the side... with this soufa that has no sugar in it.. Anyways there was this ship connecting to the balcony, and I stepped onto it, there was the pacific ocean beneath my feet, I had the option of jumping and living happiness for 2 .5 seconds then douche! into the cold water that should shock everything I would find the answers the solutions to all the distorted thoughts flooding my mind - 17 years of my life mixed with black and white moments of yesterydays and of colorful images of today
When I see water I'm tempted to JUMP. and swim, my mom pulled my away, saying Shaytan will pull me in, she says the water is cold and will kill me, and the shock of it will kill me. I know how too swim, if the ocean was not so cold, I would honestly swim in it, if the tides wouldn't wash up on to me, I would live in the ocean, I love water.... dark water, because I get that feeling when I'm swimming in dark water, is a whale going to come and brush by my feet? will my foot get tangled in some seaweed? wait seaweed probably doesn't grow in the ocean, because sunlight can't penerate down there ( we learned that in gr. 8 science ) It brings fear, but a lovely fear I love that makes me squeal,and shiver. and then I let out this big scream of laughter, and swim somewhere else where I feel safe.
I really want to go back to that ship, and just relive that moment so bad. This time when I step onto it white confedi will drop onto me and I will twirl around, and yell ' Isn't life good, gotta love it !' The ocean breeze surrounding, my hair blowing about, and the sun setting- beautiful, just beautiful.
I want to go back to Victorias harbor front , and hear the cute rastafairan dude sing ' Buffalo Solider ' and ' Women No cry '- I want him to smile at me again - this time I want to smile back.
I want to see the street performers act, and blow fire into their mouths, I want them to ask me again to do their stunts with them, I want to hear their European accent... Austrailian .
I want hear the music in the background from the cafes and restaurants that sit so darely next to the ocean.... I want to dip my hand into the ocean , and taste how salty it is. I want too go with my family and sit down in that Irish coffee shop for five hours like we did last time, and order trays of tea and english muffins, and talk away our dreams , I want my mom to say ' when the day comes , I want to hear her too share her life experiences with me and her dreams for the future, I want to hear my sister crack jokes, talk in her voice that makes me strong, I want my dad to say ' lee look at me when I talk too you , ' This time I want to stare into my dad's eyes without looking down or busying myself with things, I want to capture the time of the moment, the beauty. I want to have conversations with strangers. To have conversations with stranger, they are compassionate and they listen, want to know why ? they too want to find happiness and fulfillement why do you think they went to the coffee shop not just to gozzle down coffee or tea but to relax and think the years, months, days thoughts out. Eyes make contact for a reason to fill that inner void we find in ourselves. Let your emotions flow about like breeze, take in their smiles, their thoughts, and try to take - try to take that, and fix the bleakness in you. After don't ask for their number or email, leave it like that - simply we were a soul bypassing them ,and God played it out for them to be sitting there for us- to realize something.
Sometimes we don't no what to do with the mind that we have cropped . Sometimes words, people, thoughts, dreams , choices , experiences have either drowned us down to our very core to nothing- without caring, without fighting for something, to even try to get back happiness and contenment in our life , to get back what we felt when we were 8 , 10 , 14 , 16 , 17....and the rest. We interact with eachother to try and regain , our journey is endless relentless, that's how drive we are just to taste full happiness again. We write, we take pictures, we dance, we sing, we draw, we work, we volunteer, we do everything to find it... I'm going to get it back.
I need it.
This entry does not make sense, but I needed to type down some sort of words just to feel okish.
