I have to make a life altering choice in 2 days... man I have never felt pressure before. I want this done and over it. my neck hurts, me eyes burn, that thought is always lingering everywhere I go. When I jump off my bed, wash my face, brush my teeth, pray, change , go downstairs check email, put on dido and enya ,pour my cup of coffee my mom made for me, warm up my muffin, pour some strawberry yogurt, eating with the smell of the britany spears perfume I wear that my dad dislikes.... and I tell myself, and I breathe, and I'm eager, and I'm frustrated, and I'm happy, and I'm sad, and I feel lost, and I want someone to hold me, I want to say words, that don't make sense in sentences, and I look up, and ask ' will today be the day, when all pain leaves.,.. I don't want it to be eased, just exit my body, and I promise I will never touch this thing, that I'm not acquainted with it and I will never get to know '. Death will consume me right before I get to taste it, and because I'm greedy for it, I will try to swallow it, so it stays in me, it's a part of me , it will just come back up, and thrown to my feet, like with everything else, and then I will crumble and fall as petals ,
that I once dreamt of flowering over me as I walk in the stream of sunlight to my mystery, to be our mystery.

I really don't want to make this decision, but life is one big decision.

My smiles are endless tears that fall.