Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Omagadddddddddd! I have hit ground ZERO.. big time.
All through law today, i stared outside the sun was playing hide and seek with me, and i was memorized. everything that the instructor lectured on went through my ear and out through the other. i have english rsh apa thing to work on, with finishing off my essay tonight- (which i got mind swept from lastnight) i have learned not to work on a school night..ah! I feel haggered out, i have to work on corporate.
and... i have a eye appointment tomorrow with the cold instruments laying on my face, with some old dude placing his index fingers on my nose and sinus(whatever it's called) in the most mono-tone scary, spokish voice "does this hurt" me: NO! for the 12th tim NO! I have 20/20 vision, no candy rotten gems gleaming in this mouth of mine, i do have acne a bad case and dry scalp i have fuzzy hair that won't tame its behind down, and my thigs look like saran wrapped around em. WestIndian gals should not and I say SHOULD NOT be allowed to wear pants from the following stores:

Guess
Bebe
Club Monaco
Stitches
Garage Clothing
American Eagle

Even though you get the LARGEST size, and you think you look like a size zero in em, wrongo , YOU LOOOK PLUMP, that's why we go to Old Navy get a regualar size 7, and feel volalala,or you go to the maternity section get those pants with the elastic band wear a long shirt, and you too can buy and wear jeans faded and rip still feeling skinny and 16ish... I don't make sense.


Mmmm.... somebody save me! this is a command! follow




ROD STEWART LYRICS

"Smile"

Smile
Though your heart is aching
Smile
Even though it's breaking
When there are clouds
In the sky,
You'll get by
If you smile
Through your fear and sorrow
Smile
And maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun
Come shining through
For you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear
May be ever so near
That's the time
You must keep on trying
Smile
What's the use of crying?
You'll find that life
Is still worth-while
If you just smile
Smile

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear
May be ever so near
That's the time
You must keep on trying
Smile,
What's the use of crying?
You'll find that life
Is still worth-while
If you just smile
Keep on smiling
Oh yeah
Smile
Never, never, never stop smile
Smile
___________________________________________________________

Download the long, and listen to it. a mix of happiness woven with sadness, but yet it gives you this simple relief- that smooth roads are yet to cross and conquer the unknown.

Monday, October 30, 2006

this lonliness has stained me, it feels weird sometimes to engage in conversation.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

call me crazy, and loserish, and wasting time, i just finished reading peeps blogs ...mmm :)... read all their entries, tried to figure them out more, try to bold them from their shell..yup still at ground 0... me don't know them that much :(

i'm never, staying home all day, while the weather (look outside) is like this.
halloween movies zones every flippn channel, on my bedroom floor all of my books sprawled for all living daylights over the place, i can't study NO more..NO!.
i dusted down my dresser, organized, cleaned, hemmed me pants, sewed some funky buttons on my blazer, made stir fry, and baby it was damn good!, with shrimp, basmati rice ( i love basmati rice) chopped up carrots, celery, onions, cabbage,some other things you put in fry rice, with this brown chinese looking sauce, let it cook..and volala we got asian food going on with green tea.. me loves it- i'm learning how to cook :D.

I'm hungnry, i feel like eating lasagnia*, loaded with cheeze..mm cheeze with a glass of milk, i need to run.... out in the snow, that's right, more traction on my feet, more muscle working... these babies need to get in shape.

............mmm.. the exorist is on..mmm maybe i'll watch it...
i don't understand...
the touch of your hand
i would be your one to call
i miss a little bit.
i miss everything... about you
doesn't mean much, doesn't mean anything at all
the life i've left behind me is a cold one
sweet surrendering, is all i have to give.
who are you?

my hands get cold sometimes, most recently really cold. my lips are chapped. and sometimes i want to run back too quickly to what i feel secured with, they say to walk alone, be strong, brace your shoulders back, puff your chest up, keep a simple face, and smile knowing like your wise, don't allow them to creep in. i'm selfish though, i take one glance for safe keeping for " damn,what if", and i'm back to the buzzing of random sentences flowing in and out of my mind.

it's being some time, i've noticed with myself i could be writing a exam, do a presentation, doing an interview, being a mc'er(lol) sleep, eat, dance, cry, laugh, leave this place, hug, touch- and this happy, sweet, fearsome thought has lingered in the back of my mind for quite a long time.

i lean against the window on the lrt, as it makes it's way across the bridge, it stops.... and the train just sways, beneath us the river that flows through this city, that divides. sometimes i want to get up, kick the window open, and jump, just to feel how the cold water would feel on my skin, i know i would enjoy it, but for only 0.5 seconds of what is rest of my life, i try to scheme it out, i could jump close to the bank, swim and get to the hill and climb up and i would be safe.
i hope this is not the only bridge i will cross in my life time.

a different scene, and atmosphere is yelling at me, i've denied it for too long.
i have two roads i can go down. one with a back pack on, some cash, water bottle, granola bars, map, camera, pen and paper, get a plane ticket to anywhere in the world, get there settle, find work, bunk for a while at some place. meat and mingle, and live the life that i see best and suitable to me.

or.... i can stick it out here, and see what faith falls at my feet. and live the normal life- what i should be thinking of doing, instead of road 1.

i need a new cd collection.
"i should have bought and raised two monkeys, they could shovel the snow for me, and do tricks for me."

_ my father

Saturday, October 28, 2006

... saying goodbye is the hardest thing to do, but he told me to see faith through, I do believe it's bitter in the start, but in the end my friend it's sweet tasting.

this i trust to you.
________________________________________________________
Maybe something will dawn upon me, maybe I will get to taste this so called " bitter-sweet of loving", if you have to fight for it , if you have to make a choice.. it's not love, it should come and buzz around you, time should move fast, and smiles should gleam from one ear to the other, planning? no I don't want to plan, let us walk and plan... we'll get there faster.

....words come to me, shots come to me. i wish i had a camera, so many things to take pictures of, but then again i take them in my mind for safe keeping.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

I've got sunshine
On a cloudy day.
When it's cold outside,
I've got the month of May.

Well, I guess you'll say
What can make me feel this way?
My girl. (My girl, my girl)
Talkin' 'bout my girl. (My girl)

I've got so much honey
The bees envy me.
I've got a sweeter songThan the birds in the trees.

Well, I guess you'll say
What can make me feel this way?
My girl. (My girl, my girl)
Talkin' 'bout my girl. (My girl)

Ooooh, Hoooo.

Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, hey, hey.

I don't need no money,
Fortune or fame.
I've got all the riches, baby,
One man can claim.

Well, I guess you'll say
What can make me feel this way?
My girl. (My girl, my girl)
Talkin' 'bout my girl. (My girl)

Talkin' bout my girl.
I've got sushine on cloudy day
With my girl.
I've even got the month of MayWith my girl.
______________________________

I remember, I would come home from pre-school ( yes ms.lee had to hit up pre-school:) anyoo, as I practised my counting, and did spelling bee's, mama dear, would be stirring her pot of curry on the stove, she had this grey old ghetto music box- and it was stationed at AM Old 60' and all the oldies from the 50's and 60's would be blasting.. all from "my girl" " ain't no mountain high, ain't no mountain low ,if you need me call me, i'll be there in a hurry, you don't got a worry, because baby they ain't no mountain high enough.... and so on, and "sweet diana" which my grandma, swore to all migthy stars, that the dude sang " oh! sweet guyana" grandma was proud, guyana be reppn :)..anyooo I love oldies, along with Bob Marley.

If mama could buy me the collection ..I would be one happy dandy gal.

That's all, I feel like doing something I'm done me mid-terms. and I did impressive might I say,considering first year, and a full course load.. anyoo enough with school. I got Friday planned out me and naseeboi are going out for coffee in the morning, and she has decided to go running with me :), then off she goes to class, then I wait around, do readings. Go to work, as my clunky bag hits the door as I leave, and I get evil stares. Off to calling more people, hey it pays for my fancy things, after work then meeting, then all the way home on the bus.. all ALONE! Then off I go to the cinema to watch some movie, cry some more tears, sigh my heart away, and write some crunked entry, then saturday is work, right after is Eid partay... Bengali food again...Bengali food and Guyanese food are very alike... and I have noticed Bengal and bais look like Guyanese gyals and bais...sunday...studying... then Monday I relive it all over again :).

I ran for the bus this morning.. out onto the street, all that was in my mind make it to class on time, I banged on the door the bus driver frowned at me, " Lady don't you know that's dangerous !"...me: "meh" ... That's true I never think of my saftey, I just jump and LAND HARD.. tsk little one. Had to run for the bus after school.. I have good genes in me... I busted down a block of running, with a clunky napsack. holding wallet, and medication in the other while my phone is ringing for all jingle bills a ringing, got on the bus, my chest burned, I was heaving for breath, no sorry ass coould get off and allow me to sit, people are so kind huh? Especially dudes like ..hello be a gentlemen?

Went out for lunch with the gals... I love em, Denny's sells fatten food. ugh! Company was marvelling :)

anyoo.. as everyone can see my life is all over the place, I don't have a beginning nor middle the ending well Ileave that up to Allah (swt)... neither does anyone else... I'm just happy tonight is Thursday NO SCHOOL... AH SUCKERS.! Grey's is on tonight (make some noise:P) Merdith needs to fix her lip or lisp.... I hait it.

Ok. I shall be back, tonight shall be a long one. I'm exicted for Christmas :) lol why? We get to wear scarves, and warm fuzzy mittens, and go ice skating and drink hot apple cider from inside a cozy cafe, jingle bells plays, and as the snow flakes makes it's way to the ground.

Okay, there is this skating rink in New York Times square, big open skating rink, beautiful..... and everyone is skating, it's like out of the movies. Well for this winter break I want to hit up a nice skating rink, maybe City Hall makes that pond thing into a skating rink in winter time..oh! I hope they do, if they don't imma hose it down with water, make ice, and volalal we go ourselves some ice :P.

And NO! I don't celebrate Christmas, it's just cozy and warm. I want cozy and warm.




Which cinema shows it ?? :(... I need some excitment in me eyes.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

when i get to that track, im going to run till my sides give out.. honestly..
till my throat and chest burns... i feel like running!!!!!!!!!!! ugh..flip
It used to be black and white.....

..........Then it was grey.

Now it is white...

I feel empty,a blank canvas, not even a wrinkle, smooth, anything can run off.


I lean, sometimes...Against the glass and gaze down at an emerald flood, knowing I'll never be able to soak up such radiance, it's a colour I never knew, I'd see, the astonishing canvas of a dream, undreamed.

No feelings to toil with, No heart to go with.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006



If time allows us so, I'll take you to the fair one day.

Monday, October 23, 2006

Ramadan is done, I say this with sadness. When everyone was praying Eid prayer, I felt touched- everyone bowing down for the same reason, doesn't matter how you practice, once you believe in Allah(swt) and bow down for the right reasons.

Lastnight when i broke my fast, was tough, my dad's eyes gets teary eyed, my mom well she's a whole different story :), i felt calm, and secured, i felt stronger. this year's Eid was quiet... i was quiet through dinner... it feels good to be quiet once in a while.

my uncle called from toronto lastnight, he said 1200 people went for prayers lastnight, and that's just at one Mosque, he said he went to three different Mosques within three hours, zooming across the good old 401 Toronto highway, their constantly making Mosques...and beautiful ones..... spending Eid in Toronto would be beautiful.... but I'm content.

i held a baby today... a cute baby.

i really need to get married, i'm getting bored :(...i'm getting to age where i need "someone" to travel with... i just can't pack me bags and zoom off like i used too, i have to take so much more into consideration, as one ages comes responsibility,maybe i should just find some lad, draw up a contract, explain the "terms" the word "marriage" is used legally to just bind us together, we sleep in separate bedrooms, if i'm reallyy nice about it, we'll sleep in the same room but on different beds, and when we wake up we'll join the two beds together to look as if it's one lovely bed. he'll have to be someone that talks alot, and isn't frigid, and mutters under his breath.... ms.alisha needs to get out and see the world..ugh!- see when your in NEED you come up with plans that are suitable... right?
and NO i'm not crazy... drastic measures we'll have to be taken pretty soon...:(

(im just joking, i'm typing something up for you crazy addict "surrendering blog" readers,cmon? don't tell me ya'll don't think about this kinda stuff, imma just being truthful about it..

alrighty this gal needs sleep...big time. g'night, until again.. when i get mad and frustrated and need to let go... oh! bring out the running shoes... running starts again :)
trust

SARAH McLACHLAN



Somewhere deep inside me
I hold a picture of a time long gone
A time of ease and simple pleasures
And days in shadows not so long
Now with my mind I'm struggling
Holding on to what I believe
Listen to the fragments of my thoughts
That leave me broken and deceived
'Cause I don't know the way
He said "I can take you there,
I can show you places where our time has had no ware"
And as we walked the plains
The skies they opened wide
Revealing all the shame for what's been lost inside us all


It's a day in the life
In my mind I've seen it all
Sometime soon for all to see
The walls are slowly breaking down
In my mind I've seen it all
And someday we'll be free
We're searching for a message
Or so I thought but so it seems
The ignorance in the myths of others
Is easier to redeem
I've never questioned the answers given
To find the faith that's been lost within
'Cause where I lay my trust in others
Where it lies the ground is thin
'Cause I don't know the way
He said "I can take you there,
I can show you places where our time has had no ware"
And as we walked the plains
The skies they opened wide
Revealing all the shame for what's been lost inside us all


I know you say you love me
If what you say is true
So show me something that's not deceiving
'Cause I wouldn't lie to you
____________________________
I was sitting and waiting in the lobby, and this song came on, i like the words.
I get sleepy on Eid. me and the familo are heading it up to Moxy's..mmm, I don't like celebrating Eid like that :(, meh atleast I'm with the people I love, right?

tomorrow's school back to reality, i missed my mid-term review class for corporate.
meh, i will die and leave school, i rather soak up the fun :D... that's why ms.alisha does bad in school...bad mentality.


i have tons of things to do and imma list em off like i always do:

- finish module 5 for corporate mid-term
-finish(1) assng
- study for law (test on thursday)
- edit essay
- rsh (that thing -ugh!) / make copies /
- organize extra curricular activites

PERSUADE MAMA, IN ALLOWING ME TO GO TOO T.O ...DUAHS?

:)

Sunday, October 22, 2006

my head throbs. it has it's own heart beat.. bdum...bdum.
my heart is gone.
i can't sleep.
i've being tired.
i feel like a puppet.

everything feels and looks grey. things have being still the same, i miss those days when everything was high speed, i used to gooo and ga and olala over some guy that i only saw in a one year time period, and be so dumbfoundedly inlove with them, what's love again? i'm a unknown victim to this game.

i need you to enter into my life again.
________________________________________
blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhheNesssssssishhhhhhhhhhhhh :)

Saturday, October 21, 2006

If some goodlooking Latina,Muslim brotha came up to me, and sang the song "Aicha" to me, or for any fact just read something beautiful to me... I would....I would pee me pants...

" I need mind, body and soul, take my hand and show me your life now"
I've gotten rid of you...I thought it would be hardER.

Friday, October 20, 2006

you're not exciting anymore.

Thursday, October 19, 2006




We need more gents walking around like this .....
Your world is made of your memories, and your memories are given to you by your world. The whispering voice of happenstance is always in our ears. 'This is the world. This is the way things are. Look. Pay attention. Remember.'
You know where you dream something, and it feels as if it "actually happened" :/, or it's going to happen....yah I had one of em dreams.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006



If I go to Toronto I will:

1.) Dress with "warm clothes"
2.) Wear flats
3.) I promise not to get sick :S
4.) I will fulfill my promise and take ya'll out for "Guyanese food"
5.) I'll take you ya'll to the best harbor boat cruise of Lake Ontario.
6.) We'll go "hard core shopping"
7.) I will go to the "hemp/ crack store" with Rastafarian dude :P
8.) We'll go up to CN tower, and take pictures as the sun sets, we'll stand on the glass floor that looks down into the skydome field, and we'll shiver for joy!
9.) I'll tell stories till, my eyes close.
10.) I'll make it my duty to get to know each and one of ya'll that goes on that trip.
11.) All of us will chill on the steps.(oh how I want to go back to those stairs)


*sigh*- oh how I pray my mama lets me go, my papa is straight coasting with it.
You know what I'm going to tell her, I'm a woman, and I'm 20ish(sort of), and let's say I'm 26 and we're still singling and mingling, you gotta let me go on trips with my friends??? And I'll tell her that quote I found - "Don't tell me what you know, tell me how much you've traveled" is that it? Anyoo once again, Ms.Shah needs duah?


peace out loves

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

I layed in my bed this evening, and I thought about some stuff.It's only being today that I have truly come to terms and have accepted the way life will roll. Sometimes you're so tired of fighting, trying to make something your own way, that you get pinned by the needle.

I'm just too tired to be botherd anymore.
I looked at my calendar for school, and my life... I'm PACKED up :S, with things... and I love it.. give me more!

I counted lastnight, after my heated excited conversation with friend, I have 33 days left of school for this term :D, music to my ears.
I have LOTS to do...

October ( got 3 more mid-terms/ assgns to pull through)
November (BIG research project)
In between working and busting my behind, and other droppey things :)

Looking for tickets to T.O. I was thinking this morning,I might rent a car :)..mmmm Imma look into it :P.

It's crunch time baby..:P

Monday, October 16, 2006



I miss Victoria :(......
http://www.revivingtheislamicspirit.com/convention/


ooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh yah :P, I have to convince my mama to let me go...

Sunday, October 15, 2006





The BEST,and I mean the best movie out there...makes me feel alive :P

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Through, the hustle and bustle of it all, I feel this great deep of sadness. That something has left me.

We went to the Northside today to get Naeeba's Eid outfit. Mom bought silk hijab scarves, she went all out. I bought my friend a gift...This year I don't care for a "Eid outfit" we're wearing what we have at home.

Past by the cemetary on the way home. Dad stopped by and paid his respects to his fathers grave, to my cousins grave, and a family friend. I really wanted to go visit my grand-dads grave- I haven't touched a tombstone ever in my life, and I feel as if I should to be reminded, I will go down that six-feet hole one of these days.I saw my dad approach his fathers grave, raised his hands and made dua,after he took his hands and swipped off the leaves from his fathers tombstone- that touched me.

I really wanted to go and talk to my grandfather,I don't know him, he doesn't know me. I want to tell him all I have experienced, I wish he was still around so I could gain some wisdom from him, and tuck it in my hand for safe keeping- for the journey I still need to walk. My sister and mom, told me not to go -woman are not allowed to visit the grave, the spirit will take you, "but it's Ramadan?"...."still..we are weak"

A great hollowing feeling sat in the bottom of my mouth, like tears wanted to come out, I felt shocked, I felt awaken for a little while. I will lay in that 6-ft hole one of these days, waiting like these souls do for judgement day.

I saw a tombstone made out of hearts joined together- they were married. They are burried next to eachother. If time tells me so, I will like to lay next to my love for eternity- how blissful is that?

I remember me and my friend were walking around, campus one day at the u. And we saw a 6-ft hole, the exact dimensions of a grave, we just stopped, and stared. She told me "no mother nor father nor sister, or me, or him- will go down there with you" it's just you and your deeds.

I'm in fear these days, and I like it. I haven't felt fearful for sometime, and it feels aweing..... I realized the things I desire and long for are nothing. They are greater things to work at Alisha. I'm so coiled into this life- it will only last for some years.

We all want that. Sometimes thoughts come to me, and I think about them for a mere second because I'm too scared to confront them. Sometimes I fear I won't have the opportunity to endure the sweet pains of labor,bringing a child into this world and raising him or her. Sometimes I fear I won't find him, or it's too late. Sometimes I fear I won't become stronger, sometimes I fear. I fear alot, until today. If it's intended for you, it will happen by Allah(swt), sometimes it's hard to wait, and preserve. Just keep being faithfull, and don't get mind swept into the plastic.My friend told me tonight- "patience is a success for the future"

I feel this great deep feeling of loss.My tears have frozen in time, something tells me it's supposed to be like this. Sometimes I have so much to tell you, and I feel as if the chance will never come.

Friday, October 13, 2006





I want to walk in something like this....one of these good days to come.


This is what I do, on my breaks....





Thursday, October 12, 2006




Why not go to Cuba darling?? *ahem* someone teach me to surf *sigh*...

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Assalamu Alaykum my dear "south american latina" sister in islam,

She always knows how to make me feel alive .. "listening to techno music, as the breeze blows over our skin, just coming back from a big soccer feast" as she likes to put it :P.. I love you Hado :)
The pressure has lined my mouth, the stress coats my skin, it's official I have permanent bags under my eyes..

Tuesday, October 10, 2006






You see the first picture? With the little white house off into the right corner.. If I'm still singling and mingling, I'm going to settle for a house like that, work hard, save, and go there, peace at last. Sitting on the peak of the rock, sipping green rose-mint tea, and just getting lost in the moment. Thinking back to the fond past, and thinking and hoping for the future to come.

Monday, October 09, 2006

Afraid To Sleep (Dido)


We slept in this room together, but now you're gone,
And it's so quiet I turn the TV on.
We lived in this room together, we painted the walls.
Now time doesn't stand still,
It crawls

And I'm afraid to sleep,
'Cause if I do I dream of you,
And dreams are always deep
On the pillow where I weep.

I never realised how much I was in love with you
Until you started sleeping with someone new.
Last night I dreamed again and you were there.
You kissed my face you touched my hair.

And I'm afraid to sleep,
'Cause if I do I dream of you,
And dreams are always deep
On the pillow where I weep.

Lying alone in the darkness with the memory in my head.
There's a big hole where my heart is
And a lonely feeling rollin' round my bed.

And I'm afraid to sleep
'Cause if I do I dream of you.
I'm afraid to sleep
'Cause if I do I dream of you
And dreams are always deep
On the pillow where I weep,
On the pillow where I weep.

I'm afraid to sleep.

_____________________
I wonder what you do at this hour, what your thoughts are? what your strides are?
I sometimes think if your eyes are green, black, brown, even blue, I imagine your hair, and your laugh, I'm playing guess and who.

Sunday, October 08, 2006




Sometimes you need to let go, but remember where you have let go.

Saturday, October 07, 2006

I have found that there is beauty when one, sits in the darkness,a late hour, and crys to their Lord. A Lord they have not seen, heard from, somewhere in the depths of a man's soul lays that higher conscious that the Lord does exists,and will guide you, whatever small amount of faith you have, trust me my friend that is the feeling a man needs to walk on in this life, because when you don't have it you feel cold, your stomach aches like it has being starved for upon days. You feel this sour taste coming up in your mouth, something of posion, you feel toxified. And you realize your Lord has veiled your heart from having hope and faith.

I have found, that my soul was being consumed by the materliastic ideals of this life. So much that I have mixed it up with my faith, and do you stop and realize, as your sitting or walking, as the sky gazes by, that you have intertwined both your faith, and this life that man himself, man just like you has created- together.

I have found, to have a state of reflection, simply staring at a tree, it's branches naked, and it's beauty scattered to the ground, soon deposing.
I walked by a picture of a skelton. Grey, black, dark- bones. I tried to vision, how this soul must have looked when it had life. Must have had thick hair, straight hair, blue eyes, or green, slim figure, or fat- Must have accomplished alot in his or hers' life of this world. I soon realized that this frame- this skelton has being forgotten, and simply tacked up on some wall to explain some sort of chemical inbalance with it's "once was private-parts" by the effects of the lack of idoine in it's diet- simply tacked up on a wall..a dark hall, in which hardly anyone walks. That soul, probably band slave labor, amended the constitution, was a doctor that visited patients out in Africa ... who knows, they must have accomplished something in their life of righteousness. Makes me wonder and realize me and you will become skeltons, the life of a dancer, a soccer player, a teacher, a janitor, a constructionw woker,a slave- whatever it may be has being sucked from this "frame" of what was onc known as beauty to the human eye, now to a dead corpse. That soul is with Allah, it's deeds have left their frame, making them ugly, all the good deeds are not there.

I thought alot about death this week, alot, and for the first time in my life, and I mean first time in my life, I was in fear of the fire. I watched my steps carefully as I took, not wanting one stupid small mistake making me feel more guilty of perishing in the fires.... I toched the stove for a long time.... and it hurt till it felt cold... that's how hell will be.. it will hurt so much and for such a long time you will be cold and forgotten forever.. "eternity'.

__________________________________________

I would write more... sleep comes my loves.

Friday, October 06, 2006




You don't even have to question it's beauty....


Thursday, October 05, 2006

I hait school it consumes my whole life.. I want to hit up uni tomorrow, go to work. then run .. my hardest.. and scream... screammm for joyyy. !!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, October 04, 2006




Not only is another world possible, she is on her way, on a quiet day I can hear her breathing....

____________________________

I want to frame this, and hang it on my wall .
my back kills.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

I'm a restless soul tonight, this girl can't sleep.
She layed in bed, thinking about the next life.
And she feels that this life is. nothing but plastic, and hopeless dreams.
She's ashamed of all the things she never taught about this year.
Countless trips to the Mosque, she has heard many Shiekhs and Imams talk.
She has read the verses, and planted them in her heart.
She wants happiness, eternal happiness.
She went to and from; friend, books, objectives in life created by man, which is just like her in feeling and rythm, she took that and walked with it for too long.
Her hair is the object of her? Or is it really what's inside, the heart the mind, the words that she says. Who does she represent? She was asked that on application, the girl next to her said " A Muslim women".. I rarely think, and realize "I'm a Muslim women"- of all the things I say or do, I never represent who I'm.
I'm a Muslim, and a women of this life.
She prays countless for answers, guidance, she feels writing on this blog fulfills all. She wants simple things, and she would always ask her self in pity, is that so much to ask for ? Did she realize at this cold hour, she is the fool. In order to get you must give.

She's in hope of a man's love, that she knows too well, will never give to her. She has slept in her bed, face turned to the wall, and the tears have soaked through her blue sheets, salt has imbeded itself within her pores. She has found the energy to get up, and ask in supplication for guidance, and how she begs, for that.

She realized on this cold hour, in order to get you must give, she has hardly give.
She wants to do all, that her heart and mind sets out. A friend has told her, you want happiness? Pick up one grain of rice that's happiness.. BUT for this life, pick up a handful of rice that's ETERNAL happiness, you want happiness.

She is weak in walk, and talk- she has being called weak. She says she will raise a child, to be better than her for tomorrow. She pray's for a man's love in which he can never give to her. And she prays's and asks, how to be taught, to practice to forget the sores of the heart.

She has no feel, for a conversation, she will walk alone.. she has gone to and from, wanting to pick up the phone, and talk to someone, but that will only ease her pain for some hours, she wants happiness for eternity, and which soul can offer that. She doesn't look anymore, she has drowned to the very bottom to the ocean floor, she has made terms with the mermaids,and the star fishes..... she roams a ocean, in which roams her...Whispers go to and from, stares go to and from, and she does not care, she walks alone, she prays for eternal happiness.. everyday.
I want to run, and run, till my insides burn. It's being so long since these legs have pained. I have running shoes too, good ones. I want the morning air to press at my lips, I want to hear the breathing, I want my sides to cramp in, I want my arms to tense, I want my hair to brush off my neck every five seconds, I want the puddles to touch my ankles. I want the force to push me back every so often, till my back hits the back of a tree, I want to fight, kick, sream, punch. I want to run, till the vains in my neck bulge, I want to run, till my heart burns.

And when I lay in my bed, I want to feel everything shake. Slowly going back to it's sleep.