for what it's worth.

Nothing, just nothing at all, like my uncle buddy says if 'ya na hear ya shall feel '.

Counting down the mintues to work , like I do with eveything, we got 15 mins to go. Drinking coffee, and staring at bypassers as they come in and out of this glum room. I went to bed 3 this morning, and woke up at 6, I went to bed with makeup plastered on my eyes, and I woke up looking like a drunker. Washed my face, and all fresh and new, I was too lazy lastnight to do anything. I went on msn, check email, did some stuff, and then I just sat there staring at the stuff on my bedroom, floor, *sigh* I have a mess, and I don't know where to begin.

I'm sick of Edmonton, I want to go to NFL and eat huckberry blueberry pie by perries cove, is that ? with the plane crash that happen a few years ago, anyoo, I'm going to Banffo and Jaspo tomorrow InshaAllah, and I shall skip rocks on the lake, get lost in the forest and make freinds with the bears :D. And hey! theres always them goodlookn European/ Spanish dudes that hit up Banff with their messy style..:p, k I'm done.

g' morningggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg deeadmonton :D

AlamdiouAllah she awakes...... I didn't dream of anything last night :( I'm loossing thee touch..
ok I scamper off to work...

This is my childrens names InshaAllah Khair

Maria
Maya ( From a friend :)
Aydam ( for the boy )


Since I'm going to marry a latino Muslim brother, I think Maria fits just right and Maya. His mama is going to teach me how to make salsa, and empandas, and she will teach me how to do the salsa ( I know how to do that :P) One can always dream.....


take these names, and deal with my foot in ya behind :D, g'night children.

The breeze blows on my face, making me remember that trip..... I imagine the harbor to be pretty, with the sun glistening on the waters, and right by the restuarant, and the sofa, where you can see outside, overlooking the lake must be a sight for sore eyes, InshaAllah it will be nice if I can visit there .... it would be something.

I was working today, and I thought of everyone , on the trip. I never made it my effort to get too know the other people, like I mean one to one, eye ball to eye ball, instead I just grinned, laughed, talked a lil, was all in fun & jokes. I miss her, alot. And I haven't kept in touch -and I don't know how to pick up the phone, and talk with her, I feel I owe her something. She was a mother. I remember crying onto her shoulders, I didn't know what to say, I couldn't face truth, I just couldn't something kept telling me that this is just a inner test, it will soon past. I remember going down ony m kness in the room, the light streamed in, I had my white satin ' wedding' house coat on , I never cried before in prayer, I just let down my posture, and give in, I just let loose of the chains, untied knots I knotted for myself, and plunged forward to the darkness, it accepted me, and so I moaned.

I remember you coming in , my good little friend, holding me by the shoulders, know one as held me by the shoulders, you are so young than me, and I looked to you for something, for help ? I felt bad, I never played my part of being your older sister, either to both of you. I remember getting a headache, and I repented, and repented, till I couldn't anymore. I remember sleeping on the bed, soaked from my bath, I just put on anything that was lying around, I remember the others, saying not to go into the room, every little noise I heard increased the pain in my head, it felt like a tube of hot blood flowing over my overhead. I remember keeping one eye on the clock, to see what time I would have died, it went past 2:30, and my headahce was mild, I was thankful, and even though it hurt to get up, I got up went on my kness on the bed, and thanked Allah, for given my breath, and life. One thing I asked for, please spare my life to bare the sweet pains of labor, that's all I wanted, and I thought that was the best solution to anything.

I walked up the cold carpeted stairs, I can still smell the smell, I can still hear the music... I can see the light, I felt something of hope. I climbed up the stairs, they were all there. I had blood on my housecoat, I was still drenched in water, my eyes with bags, my voice was hoarse, I was hungry, and I drank some pink pop, I hait pop. I told my story, when I said it , felt like know one was impacted it, I showed my weakness.. all of it, nothing left to hide. I didn't care what would be said, if only the truth , if only I could say in a nonchantly way, what was eating at me- inside, everyone had their answers..one thing I always do I never doubt anyone, I never assume, I try not too, unless I hear it from the horses mouth. Know one knows anything, when they asked why I looked sad, or what was wrong, which I cared for, and was so happy, for their comfort, and sincerity, I just couldn't succumb to the depths, of what I termed as the unkown before I came there, know one must know, and I must not tell. So many times, I wanted to say it, and see what the response would be. I can't even come to the depths and say it now , after some months.

Every conversation, moment, emotion has being carefull coiled around that one thing from last year. So carefully planned, not to slip up, not to spill the can over, without any of the beans coming out. I was tired of living like this, and finally I just forgot, and let loose, let loose. I remember sleeping in bed, that's all I wanted to do, I had know calling to phone anyone, I just wanted to start school. Thought about it lastnight, Allah brings beauty in unexpected ways, and I'm so happy for it, the tokens he has bestowed into my mind and heart, I feel like a grown women... wait I'm a grown women. I have met people that have formed this heart of mine, and who has chipped this heart of mind, but never broken.

I went into shoppers after work today, I was going to get the Dove, lemon body lotion, I was hesistant, to flip the cap open and take one more whiff.. It was too much for me, everything flooded back... and I moved on and picked up Aveeno lotion mixed with lavendar and oatmeal, I remember using that lotion at a speical period.

It's late.....and my words are woven with mystery, uncertainity, and shyness, and resentement, and thankful, I'm always thankful....I love more

Maybe one day I will drag along a good friend, and drink coffe by the lake, or overlooking some beautiful scenery, and I will tell.

Dad thinks he can lift me up.... and he can... but I think me broke his shoulders :(. Anyooo I went for a walk. wow I just had to stop and say SubanAllah if I had a camera, they sky was worth more than any picture I've seen, you just had to be there to see it, and if I try to describe it in words, I'll just dragg down it's beauty, like I do with everything... Anyoo tonight I'm pulling of a all nighter, I need to clean my messy working station, glues/ papers / sparkles / pictures/ stuff is all over the place, I need to twist my hair for my sisters grad thing tomorrow, and for vacation, so my hair won't get messy, and I can't wait for this Friday because I get to see my bestfriend, we talked on the phone for like 3 hrs, just talking back and forth, back and forth, she was at work, and the only way the hours go by fast for her, is if she talks to me :D, or too anyone, I love her... she's everything, and will be everything for me InshaAllah our sisterhood keeps growing stronger day by day, anyoo yes those people that have cell phones out there, and don't have a answer machines, and NEVER pick up, just ditch it, honestly... In other news today, flippp I was supposed to rent a movie :( , and I have money too, papa is too tired, it's okay I 'll watch ' Dog the bounty hunter ' and ' Little People ' and ' Bride Godzillas' on the TLC network :D. Umm what else, I feel I have so much to say, and I don't know where to begin, just voices, emotions, thoughts flooding this mind of mine, I can never really express myself that way I would love too on this blog of mine, only in conversations, and when I have conversations my mom says I talk to much, and I shouldn't get that hyper. O wellersers me can't help it I'm a talking hippie freak, o yeh ! I said I was going to ditch msn. well looks like I can't break thee habit. anyooo.. we got new neighbors moving in down the road, our good Bosnian Muslim family friends, AlamdiouAllah I have girls my age, which are friends that I can hang with, so happy :D.
I will be motivated to excersise more ! .... o yeh I saw our new cruiser we bought on the road today, it looks like a barbie taxi.. lol, o well atleast it's eye catching, NO! it's eye catching, it looks like a taxi , o wellersers... ok this is cue to go, and wash up

adios, I will be back ..muahahahha , gets on her black stalion and rides off into the sunet :P, and falls off the horse.. cuz shes a freak lol

K it's official im burnt..and i got heat stroke..or whatever the flip they call it, i'm tired, and I HAIT taken the bus, and the dudes at work are crepyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy..... just tooo creppyy..
I saw a eagle today by the forest, or whatever by the river. Mom told me not to go there, I disobeyed, sometimes it feels good to disobey :P..... I need to pack, I have a billlion gazillion things to do... ahhhhhhhhhhh..... I saw a friend today, AlamdiouAllah for that, I got interaction with someone my age. I just finished eating a banana/ chocolate chip muffin :P, which my mama made. I'm so hot, burning up.......I haven't being sleeping at night, I'm starting to get pesky, and I feel immitated and fake.....my summer consists of working, becaues this is the only time I get to work..... I'm drooling for fun...I'm soo heat stroked up, I swear someone slipped crack in me drink, I haven't being staying in tuned with Brasil, it's okay boys, you've got heat and will win :D, my mom is on the phone with family from Newyork, just hearing the conversation makes me burst out into laughter, im planning on video-taping my family and sending to " Canadas or Americas funniest home video" to get some monay... :D, remember those shows ? I'm deciding to go take a shower,, in cold. cold water, watch me get shock.. but I might just faint, mama says its not good to go into shower.... just coming out of the heat........

bye I'm going to sleep...ugh :(

I'm so tired, my body is shivering....

:( ...I feel beat up and old. ( whimpers here )

Allah works in mysterious ways, but it always leads to beauty in the end.. this I promise my friend.

I want to ride the ferry, I'm longing to see the ocean. You never know how good life can be, when the moment , or life is gone it's self. InshaAllah this summer will be packed with happy memories... summers are always good for me , especially August .

I want to get lost on a tropical island, have my hair in dreads, climb trees, drink coconut water, eat all the manoges in the world ( I love mangoes :) and then chance up on some nice rastafarian guy. And we can build a tree house together, we can explore the island, and find a new waterfall, or cliff everyday. We can go fishing, stuff our bellies at night with fish, have bonfires. We stay like this for 5 years without speaking a word to eachother, just staring into eachother eyes - talking with our eyes. Finally we give up the goose, and accept in our hearts and minds that we will die here on this island, well atleast it's a pretty place to spend the time, rather than in a smuggy city, with politics, killing, your love ones stabbing you in the back, the lies, the excuses one must always make up to get out of an appointment or commitement. The status one must uphold in the community to get the deal, or their daughter married off to a established son.... the parties one must always hold, every so often " well hunny you know what we didn't have the Jones over, since ..well um ...lastweek!". The shares in the markets, reading the newspapers, watching the stockexchange, watching the news or listening to the news, to hear of more rapes, murders, child molestation, drugs, the whole devils workshop.

Is it just me, but I really want to get away from all of this, even though you may not be part of it, but I just want to roam the fields, swim.. I haven't done that for some time, I just want to get away.... im thinking of ditching msn for some time, and phone calls, it will do me some good, but nope theres always that voice, that urge that itches , to go on, or pick up the phone. I want to move. Let's get outside of the box..want to come ? I really want an adventure, a spiritual adventure....maybe I should have applied for that thing to Ummrah....
Sigh... ok, alisha let's go to sleep, you have work tomorrow :)

.... for what it's worth..? Heck I donoo...

i love the small things, seems like asking for that is hard these days.

Life is right when it's simple....

I'm going shopping with me 3 best friends, and sister coming along aswell :D. I need shoes, nice dress shoes, and thats about it.. yeh I've got lots and lots of clothes... I might buy yoga clothes tomorrow aswell.... anyways lastnight was amazinish fun. We haven't done that for a long time.
Me and friend and sister hithched it to Second Cup got some coffee. went out onto the patio, and just talked. it felt so good, the sky was beautiful, MashaAllah, the air was warm and pretty, everything was perfect. My sister and friend just talked, and talked, cracked jokes, and then I was lost into my own thoughts, off in my world, I just looked to the tall unfinished buidling infront of me, the extension of the ' health science building' me thinks, its made of glass, so when you look at it, you kinda see a reflection of the building on the opposite side, its pretty.
Papa and Mama picked me , sister and friend up, the drive home, was awesome, I told friend, this is what makes summer...... dad crunked the music up, and * preteneded* to dance, we started moving our shoulders, and dancing in our seats, my mom was getting annoyed by my dads antics, and my dad started to act more annoying, dad started to mimic mom in a cute friendly lovey dovey husband way.. it was adorable to look at... ( teary eyed )
dropped friend home. We got home, I didn't go to bed till 1 in this morning, I just sat on my patio, wow sometimes it just feels soo good and right to sit down all by yourself, or lay on your bed, it seems to me that it is a gift to just be byyourself, I honor the time I'm given to be able , to reflect on the past events of the week, month, and the year.. that has flashed before my eyes in a mere quick seconds....... I had work this morning, bah I didn't care.. I get money atleast :D. I'm not too sure what I'm going to do with my cash... except save it for something beautiful, like a trip somewhere in the world, that can be my gift to me.

We had roast beef for supper, the whole works, papa cooked. When it's weekend papa cooks, and gives mama a break. It was a yummy supper, indeed my friend. I just came in from outside, I was eating cherries, the sun felt good on me legs, I've noticed my hair is brown in the sun, and I can see the tints of blonde in it still. My arms are getting dark, and the sun started to burn em. I didn't care, I just sat there. My sister is sick, was supposed to see ' Nacho Libre' my sister type of movie, she should just marry the dude... shes in the kitchen making annoying noises. This week has being peaceful, AlamdiouAllah.

I love summer. I think well I want to get married in the summer. I just don't get it why people have their weddings in winters, or like around the time when you have to go back to school, well it is fall, and I guess it is pretty and something aweing with the surroundings. Well then I suppose that's why people have their weddings in winter, because there is something mystical with it .. Well I like summer, because it's vybrant, hot, colorful, people get time off. The way the sun sets, the way the breeze blows around 3'oclock in the morning, it's beautiful. I would like to get married in the summer, by the ocean, brushing up against my feet. I've thought it out, I don't want to get married in a hall, know to be quite frank I don't like events in halls, I just don't know, I can't put me finger on it, theres nothing....too it, in my mind. Why not get married in some open land, that know one knows of, or in the dessert , or on the beach, or on some special place in the mountains.....I remember once , my sister wanted to get married on the moon, she wanted to be astrounaut, well when your little you want to be anything, and want to do anything.

I guess I will go, before my words turn into some confusion, I'm going to the coffee shop.

...mountains and me. lets hug.

Me and my sister have being going for evening walks from Monday to now, we tell ourselves if we do a hour a day, that's good enough exercise, and that's enough. We walk by the soccer fields, little kids playing, the sun on them , it's beautiful. I bugg Naseeba to death with my talking, she listens, and I admire her for that. We got home she told me " girl, you's going to need some water for all that talking ya did" I realized I talked non-stop for one hour, I have so much to say, I should just stare into my dresser mirror , and talk , and talk.

Does anyone ever feel that 'ache' inside, yes I don't like using that word, but it needs to be typed down. Not a sad ache , like lovey dovey ache, or someone just died " ache" , but a mixed up confused ' ahce' , like ' what am i waiting for kinda thing ?' , ' what's the next step in solving the puzzle?' I've realized we don't solve the puzzle, the puzzle sloves us. We are puzzles, and sometimes we need another person to solve the other half, and we will be unsolved ? I'm not making sense. I'm trying to find the words to say, to feel content in my mind, of what I'm feeling right now. Maybe that's why I'm not sleeping too well, I've being pondering too much on my window sill, ever since mama cleaned it up. I've being thinking ' those' things yeh, you can never get rid of it.. mm? Well, sometimes you just get sick, and you laugh to yourself, when ' those things' enter into the mind. I'm sick of playing defense, let's move up to forward, and get into the action, into the blood, and sweat of it.

I've got everything, AlamdiouAllah. I'm just waiting for one thing to make it complete, lastyear by now I would have known the answer to what I'm looking for to feel complete, but I think that's not the answer anymore- it's not the answer to anything anymore.

I made this blogg, and others kickn around blogg town, to bring that void out of me, to bring that anger, resentment, frustration, happiness, love, passion, sadness out. And nothing as really changed. Still the same old Alisha.

I stared at my kindergarten picture, I was a pretty little girl. And I looked to myself, and I tried squinting my eyes, and smiling more big to look like the 'alisha' in the picture. It's sad, as one ages...sadness piles up.

____________________

That song just had to come on this morning......sucks

.... I don't know what to type here?

Today AlamdiouAllah I overcame my fear of birds... when flew around my feet. It was cute, its feather brushed against my feet. And you know what LITTLE PRETTY birds are cute. I'm still scared of crows/ seagulls/ and piegons.. of all of em pigeons.

You know what's the best feeling, buying a cup of coffee, and reading in the sunlight, as it plays with your face, I had work today, and AlamdiouAllah today was peaceful. As I was walking to work, I just had to spill coffee on me skirt, I laughed to myself, always gotta be alisha.. huh?
Today we got trained on a new project, it took forever tooo ... I got lost in my thoughts, and forgot where I was, I started having conversations with my memories, conversations I've had with people, jokes, crys, laughter, everything, and you know what every single person I've had encounters with as added a bit more to me. Making one huge colorful confused collage* anyways. As I was walking home, Sami Yousef song just had to be the next song on the play list, and you know what I'm so thankful for meeting everyone that has crossed paths with me in this life, I have gained never loosing anything from meeting a new person, and I smiled. Never have I felt so thankful for the blessings and the simple tokens of life Allah(swt ) has bestowed onto me.

You know when I look into National Geographic, and I see some cool picture, that picture speaks to me. that I will get to breathe that freshair, walk on that soil, and invision everything, that surrounds me. When I hear Enyas song playing - Only time, I always think about a little coffee shop in London or in Paris, and everything is moving so fast before my eyes, like a train, and my hair is blowing about. Somemtimes days feel like that.

its 2am ( yeh the blog tells the wrong time ) i have to wake up for work at 6am.... why can't i sleep? toooo many things on the mind....errrrr

Among the other cousins i have, one got married to a coasta rican* over the summer :P, and my other cousin married a Jamaican man :P... I told my mom our family is really diverse, my dad says theirs too many different spices in our families from my moms and dads side. My mom just fliped her hair ' nah my side of the family is just exotic'.... the way she did it was price less..anyoo i wonder where my dude will be from , or his ethnic orgin. ???

my mom died her hair red, with some pinkish higlights mixed with copper.. it looks hot, too hot .
And my hair is just plain black... mmmm anyooo theres too much construction going around my hood... too many trucks. and beeps going off. I'm addicted to DOLLERRAMA, they have the most coolest things ever. like wow.. i bought a frame, gel pens, headphones. all for $3.43. They sell the most funkiest things ever, I know where im getting school supplies for this year :D, man. I need to restrain myself from that store. Anyoo today is the longest day of the year so me and naseeba are deciding to stay up real late and have a sisters night out, were renting scary movies, and going crazy on snacks ....and were deciding to set up tent in the background, if.,..IF our mom lets us to sleep in the backyard.. i don't think thats going to happen. well i have lots to do.... heading out right now....

i miss some people.

I feel like a pregnant woman.... ugh! my face looks plump, i'm wearing too many skirts, cuz pants just don't fit the hind anymore...i've ditched heels and stuk to flip-flips. guess what i went to pay less shoe store and i got nice flip-flips for 4 dollahs. thats right. :D . And i wear my hair in a bun, and i have this big bag just to plump anything into it...mmmmm i laughed to myself, if i become a mother. this* is how i would be.

I've being eating too much yogurt, and strawberries. I've had know interaction with people my age :/ only mother and naseeba. Work , come work come, i'm never taken days off again. I've found i need to keep busy, i have to do something, prepare for something. My face is gone without make up for a week.... and its tanned... well over cooked ( lol)...kk i have nothing to type about...

peaceeeee outttttttttttttttt

Done summer cleaning ..wohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! baby. And my mom is chilling on my bed, with the breeze blowing on her face. Now to the next item of today, arts and crafts are on me floor, ah i love it mate :D, i love doing constructive stuff with glue, scissors, creating, and sketching. Mmmm yes.. I was just reading my entries, and there really childish, i have crunked spelling mistakes...which makes me sound like a four year old, and i'm 19. Wowo i no age is nothing but a number but still.... i need to step it up.

Anyooo everything is organized all my books, letters, alot of junk i kept for no reason hahahah, yeh...this is what alishas day consits of :

1.) Wake up around 11'oclock - too lazy to ROLL out of bed and fix breakfast..or wait brunch.
2.) I look in my dresser mirror, and see how gross i look.
3.) I climb out of bed with all my bankies and teddies rolling to the floor.
4.) My mom and sister are downstairs laughing reallyyyy loud at dumb jokes.
5.) The VIEW is on with all those saggyy wrinkle old ladies
6.) I change the station to the soccer tourney... and ah! what a sight for sore eyes. poland vs. costa rica ....... ( :P)
7.) I eat some yougurt with muffin
8.) Go on msn, read email ( i get no emails :(
9.) my mom tells me what shes going to do to me today, i listen to the spiel
10.) i help her out
11.) i go and read
12.) i watch all my soaps
13.) i go and ride my bike around the hood, lookn to play with kids ( im a lamo )
14.) come back home.. eat more pine-apple. i stare at my mom , with a zombie look. she tells me to go loose weight
15.) dad comes hom.. me heroe :)... we eat dinner
16.) we go out for coffee.. do some runnin and rounds
17.) i rent a movive
18.) go home... talk to friend.
19.) i watch movie-- stay up really late..and watch all this show on TLC called 'little people
its a cute show
20.) i watch Bridazillas ( get it Godzillas )
21.) i shower... put on my lavendar lotion
22.) read my book
23.) say my prayers
24.) go to bed, and dream some crunked dream
25.) and i wake up the next day and doo all over again

......im soo ..wtever bye :D

i wish i was 5 and i could play with the dudes from nextdoor :(

summer sucks when your a 19 year old GIRL..ugggggggh!

BANFF MENU

First day :
= Dinner
Lamb curry / rice / rotti / chuttney



Seconday Day:
=Dinner
Roastbeefs / macoubla / whole-wheat buns / bagels /cheese/bake chicken

Snacks:

club soda
cereal
peanubutter & jelly
instant oatmeal / crackers /
beef patties /
pine-tarts /
chocolate milk & white milk /
chocolate granola bars/
nuts /
chips with salsa /
cheese
juice boxes with o.j & apple
Orange pop???

Buy a FIRST AID KID
Toilet paper
maps
compass
flash light
toques / gloves
blankets
pillows
sunscreen / bug spray
matches

______________________________________________________

I'm in charge of the menu and planning for this years vaco out into the wilderness, my family tells me their going to starve on the trip, because I'm only going to carry health food. My dad says im nuts to bring a first aid kit..I have to go shopping for some stuff this week.....my family thinks im on nuts, once they saw the menu , my mom is probably going to throw away this list.. :( o well.. I'll show pics on the blogg, once we come back. from our adventrous trip. I asked my dad what he wanted for snacks, he told me we can have ice-cream?? I looked at him, he looked like a lil kid, with his eyes excited..anyoo the sun is burning my neck

imma buy meself a camera today :D...InshaAllah

..correction mamas buying it for me :D :D

im so boredddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd
dddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd
ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd
and BOREDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDboreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
and boredddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd
boreddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd
and........

Today is fathers day...... and dad took mom out to teach her to drive, its about time girl.

Anyoo my fathers day gift is under my bed, along with other stuff that floods my bedroom floor, I wrapped it really nice and pretty, I'm a good gift -wrapper :D. My mp3 playa works, AlamdiouAllah for that. As I type this I'm faced to the tv screen showing the FIFA 2006 soccer tourney, Brazil plays against Australia*, Brazil just scored......OLLAAAAAAAAAAAY!.
Ronaldo is loosing his touch, he's fumblings bumbling as the dudes say on tv, well he's getting old? man i really want to go to FIFA, in another 4 years I will go InshaAllah.... :) I would cheer for Team Brasil ( Brazil ) because their country is from the same continent* as my country. As one gal puts it at that soccer game I went too, " you espanol?, you from Brasila?" me know folks from Guyana, " i love your country, come let's hug, we are brother and sister"...thats love right there, UNIVERSAL HIPPIE LOVE :p...... that game was fun.... the sky was amazing, as it just set onto the field, all the pretty people roaming the place, the little kids with their cute little curly fluffy hair..muahah smooochhh.... I saw a little boy, got taned skin , brown curly hair, and big brown eyes, with long lashes, and he had this little stud in his ear, with his yellow Brazil jersey..sigh* too cute.....

Okay well its Sunday. and it makes it more depressing, as im watching the game. in a beautiful place, with beautiful people. and just seeing the crowd, cheer on... , anyways I'm not going to go there...

..I want colorful-hype exotic fun :( ?

We had Guyanese folks in the house, tonight :P....

wooottt, someone give me a holla. AlamdiouAllah we had folks visiting from Guyana on vaco visiting at our family friends house. Honestly it was beautiful I love a full house, and i watched on, praying inside of me hoping one day , and praying to Allah (swt ) to have children and a beautiful love right by my side. Hearing the little boy speak, made my cringe I envy him, his accent, i asked him questions about his school back home, his class mates, the sports, the stores.... i never thought i would say this but i miss Guyana, sweet old Guyana...

My mom is so beautiful when shes laughing with her friend, i swear their sisters.... and it's like their six-teen, and i'm the mother rolling my eyes at them, at every thing they say ....dad and the uncles watched the game :

one uncle puts it " shoot bai, shoot bai, mek one more sweet !!!"

the little boy " uncle a how dem, a mek the ice with that ailer sign pon it ?"

It was beauty to my ears hearing them speak, I truly heard the accent tonight, and saw my culture unfold infront of my eyes. My dad was talking about , when he was little he would climb the coconut trees and get coconuts, and spy on the pretty girls, from down below. My mom and her friend Aunty Zienna, talked about their " small -hood days " ( youth).

As they were leaving the aunty came to me, and I said goodbye, safe flight home ...enjoy your stay in Canada, and go to wested and shop up. She held my face and said " gyal , me a come to ya wedding, if God spare mea life". I looked to her, wanting to tell her a date, or a year, or that there was even someone, I just smiled alot to hold back what I didn't want to come out. Just sometimes a stranger can impact you in so many ways.

I had to do a cpr course this morning, AlamdiouAllah i got it done, was alot of demonstrations. While waiting for the others, I just had to ramble about myself to this young gal that was the instructor, she listened, didn't say anything, but the look in her eyes told me she was there before, and theres a cure to what you, and others feel, she told me there was a cure. and i really pray there is a cure.

so i leave with this...... words, that are confusion to me, and make no sense at all, hoepfully i find what i'm looking for .

smile, because life is too short, and beautiful :)

Tomorrow night I'll type about my fairytale..... right now , my mind needs sleep.

Guide it to me Allah(SWT) and guide me to it.

I refuse to wear gold bangels errrrrrrrrrr, my mom tried to force them on my wrist with some other glitter crap, and gems and diamonds...i rather wear hemp :D

" WHOSE GOING TO SEE EM ???"

This is where I get to blog, I haven't typed anything for a long time, and I don't know what to say to myself, or to this white screen. It's cloudy outside, and very hummid, my hair is a fro, and I can not control the frizz. Lastnight was work, it was fun, the carpet smelled like pee, because they just steamed cleaned it. I watched as the rain just, soaked through the ceiling, onto us, and the sky grew dark, made me think thats how Judjement days going to be. And it made my eyes open wide, and I just stared at outside, with my eyes transfixed onto a tree, just blowing about,I was lost in the sea of thoughts. Tomorrow is never my friend, tomorrow is never my friend, those who prepare in this life for the hereafter are the intelligent ones in the eyes of Allah, and those that do not, are the foolish ones. And I need to take time and prepare, as werid as that sounds, I need too. honestly.

I had to walk, in the rain, and I got soaked big time, wearing a blue skirt, that makes you trip, and flipflops. and some big bag clunked to your hip, running in puddles is the best feeling. I got up from the stairs and it was just me and the open field, and wow it felt so good, no one was around, it was raining, I had a newspaper covering my head, and finally I ditched it, and I just twirled around.... best moment in my life , Suban'Allah. Got into sub, and people were smiling at me saying " yeh got caught in the rain eh?" me dried off , then waited for my ride. My dad took forever to get me, I was soaked, and hungry, and I was kinda getting a little pesky. Got home, and I just devulged ( I donoo if thats a word ?) into some food, I ate everything that came intoo sight, thats the down fall of working in the evenings, you come home late, and you have to eat late, I don't like eating past 6. Any ways. Im getting kinda tired from typing, and not much is comn to this mind of mine. I wish I could go back to those days, where my dreams consumed me, and I was off on cloud nine. Now, it feels like im some old person, just aging, with know excitment.

i miss laughter, and smiles.

http://budgettravelonline.com/bt-dyn/content/photo/2005/11/15/PH2005111500929.jpg

looks funked :P

Imma sleep in tomorrow

eat breakfast in my bed ( pancakes with lots and lots of syrup and fruit )

blast my bob marley tunes ( and sing out loud :D )

and stay in my pjs till papa comes home .

then after i'll get motivated and go for a run :)

and im not cleaning my room, and i WILL NOT follow the plans i set out for me self on me new white board.

The following items are needed in ms.shahs life :

blackberry
camera
laptop
a car ( iA it comes )
a cruise to some island, and get lost on it :P

im off to bed ladies and gents

you could have life worse. so suck it in.

sistersinthezone.blogspot.com

whered it goooooo :S :(

........blalblbalblalala..blahahahha blahahahhahaha blahhahahaha

my head hurts..and mmmmmmmm.......i need sleep..

OILERSSSSSSSSSSS WONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4 ( Oilers )
3 ( Carolina )

:p :p :p

http://www.muslimday.ca/

Don't get me started. :( :( :(

Maybe if we save every dime and nickle we can go this summer ?

beauty takes pain.

wax. me . mom. = pain

AlamdiouAllah it wnt okay, a mothers touch , a mothers touch

I miss them, all of them. I miss when we used to study together, and pray together :(

My dad says and others, I shouldn't be so emotional, it will ruin me, me can't help it, that's the way I'am.

:(I love you guys.

I got my hair cut at Evelan Charles, was a nice treat, got to wear a robe while they cut my hair, i got coffee , and a nice massage :D, who would of known going out to buy papa a fathers day gift would turn into getting a nice spa treatment. it was much deserved, my hair spells fruity, its soft, and straight, i have no wear to go, and show it off :(


im off to take a napp

Some things that I was reminded of this evening :

* Do you have a Jihad*? / Do you feel it?

* Allah( SWT) will question you on the day of Judgement, why didn't you fulfill this requirment in Islam.

*What are your intentions with this person?

*say nothing more, nothing less to males, unless they are your husbands, father, or grandfather/ There is know such thing as a male-friend.

*Veil your beauty, and charm.

*Keep your intentions to the deen of Islam, and the Ummah.

__________

Sometimes words are too inadeuqate to explain the thoughts and feelings steaming through your mind, and one picture pinpoints everything your dreaming, feeling, wishing, and praying for. It's nice outside, storms coming in, it's windy, and the clouds are grey, glooming down onto me. I stood on my patio, and smiled, it was a scary feeling, aweing, hoping for something mystical to happen, and I did what I was longing for , through out the whole week. I just lifted my face up to the sky, closed my eyes, and smiled, I'm at peace, AlamdiouAllah, felt soothing.
AlamdiouAllah i've being at peace for sometime now within myself, nothing bothering me too much, or pain striking. I do have things to take care of, and stuff to think through, I just term em, and place them under the " life category thinking"- everyone as to think about lifeish thinking things, that's why we were placed here.

Lastnight, I cleaned up my room. All the clothes playing hills on my carpet, all the hijabs throwing about, makeup brushes in spots where they shouldn't be, my desk was still cluttered with study notes of Durkheim, ( I can't even spell he name ), my research paper which I worked hard on, and after I just ditched it in the pile o "garbage" know worries I have it saved in email. I changed my pillowcases, sprayed my room with room spray that spells of vanilla, and I dusted my window sill, adjusted my curtians, and taddada my room was clean. I went to bed at mid-night, and I had to wake up for work this morning at eight. AlamdiouAllah I stuck to my plan cleaned up my room, and I feel good. Tomorrow I need to send out emails, do updates, plan something, or brainstorm some things, get myself into a cpr course. My mom asked me why I want to get my cpr- to do it in August, I told her tomorrow is "never", a uncle told me that. So nextweekend Imma try and get myself into the course, and finish it, it's a day and a half, and the girl seems pretty cool, and hip . I think, well it's good to be trained in cpr, with jobs and stuff now a days. Yeh well fathers day is coming up nextweekend, and yeh I'm hauling the family to breakfast next week Sunday morning, it's about time. Banff is approaching, and the symposium, I can't wait to hear Dr.Bilial Philips talk. Sigh, just hearing dad talk about him, gives me that fire. Yeh I've attending Islamic events, with talented, and knowledgable speakers, and Sheikhs, MashaAllah their all extremely well, it's just something abouth Philips.

Yeh, my mind and heart is at ease, all my planning, and stuff for the summer, I've got organized, I want to take a hot air ballon ride InshaAllah. Sometimes it feels so good to be alone, I know in a week or so I'm going to look at this entry and throw cherry seeds at the screen in anger, saying no! it doesn't feel good to be alone, hey what can I say I'm relaying the foundation that was broken, this time Im using cement, solid.

Cherries are good, watch im going to get a tummy ache :D

of all things i love, is the feeling, to just sit in my backyard, and allow the breeze to play with my face, sometimes lonliness can be kind.

i feel very dizzy and sick...i'm contemplating about canceling work tomorrow. sometimes getting a huge big bear hug,and resting your head on their shoulders are sometimes needed.

I have the perfect hiding spot to go tonight.......:)

Well papa leaves to her work early in the morning, and even though I got no wink of a eye of sleep lastnight, he has to come in and give me a kiss goodbye before leaving, I have being so busy, with my head of my shoulders, I haven't had time to ask " how are you " to my dad . Well whatever I'm awake :D, was watching the news with mom on ctv canada morning, her jumping around on her exercise* blocks, in health news they finally, found a treament to cervical cancer, AlamdiouAllah for that, who thought any one would find a treatment to cancer, in this life, honestly it's a stepping stone to research in the medical field, and it gives researchers, docs, all the prof people in those fields , to have passion, and the drive to find more treatments for cancer, that will cure it. They say cervical cancer does not affect girls between the ages of 9-14, yeh well I want to stay in good health, and I've scheduled my own physical, I would ask my mom, and she would say no I'm too young, that is only for women who were pregnant. I told my mom, NO! anything can happen to you, you don't have to being pregnant, so I've taken it upon myself, to go to my doctor, and make an appointment for a phyiscal, I have time, and I should check up on me health.

So thank Allah ( SWT ) they have found a cure for some type of cancer :)

' all we have is of yesterydays. So Remember me. '

" When you have know one to like or dream about, life can be stagnant, so hold on to this feeling, even though you think its going down "

I've dropped the cell so many times, it doesn't work too well.. I had to pay mom 10 dollars because I txt way too much this month, and I'm a dumb twit.... I thought we could txt for free, yeh well the bill came, and looks like we aint be txtn for free.. o wellersers , I knows I aints givin mama no monay.... cheaper by the dozen is on. and i haven't watched tv for along time, i've being watching movies, to fill some emptiness in me , yes I'm a dragg to thy self. or I could read my new book "Echoes" by Danielle Steel.

_________________
I dlt part of this entry, on my beauty crisis...

and she lives...AlamdiouAllah

Tomorrow is never.

Just came out of the pool, I've got chlorine drunked in my hair.
The white towel is rough on my skin, and white light in the bathroom highlights all unexpected things on me. Vanilla lotion soothes my skin, that olive hair thing mom bought works really good.
Moms got mushroom soup on the stove, with some meat and veggies in it, Dad just came back in and bought a eight dollar little jug of Tropican Orange juice. I open the ice-bucket for some ice, my eyes are burning from the water, and it looks like I just shot-up, my nose runs, and my skin is a little bit wet, from putting on my pants too fast. My hair is frizzy. Dad tells me to blow dry my hair before we go into town tonight, he offers to do it for me, and brush it and put it into a braid. Naseeba is lauhging at some crunked show on tv, and trying to get the cabel to work, she asks Mom if we can use room services? Mom starts with her speil on how costly it is, and not to think about it agai. We eat the mush-room soup, with the o.j juice. We get ready to go out for a stroll into town, I put on my dads sweather and a toque, I get sick fast, and the mountain air here is a bit chilly. The mountains are too close for me, but I move closer to them, I'm in awe of Allahs work. We stroll into town, walking in and out of all the souvenir stores, I've being in them before, they all got the same things maple-syrup, little indian dolls, maple leafs pens, calendars on the Rocky Mountains, gems, and diamonds from the montains. It's about 1 in the morning, and theres more people being added to the streets, "COWS" is open the best ice-cream smoothi place in Alberta, I love the smell, European people walking in and out, girls with different clothing, with unique features stare at the price-list converting pounds into canadian money, i look at them, wondering how the place is where they come from, I beg my mom to boy me a cows pj, i think this time around I will get one when I go. I've got my vanilla berry smoothie, same one as always, theres a old-fashioned candy store right nextdoor, sells all the different type of gummies, chewies, chocolates, and ice-creams. Naseeba has to go in, and stock up on some candy for the ride back to Deadmonton. We walk some more, coming to the lake..... its dark, but I have the urge to jump in, and flow to a different place. Dad says its getting late, we head back.. I wonder if the hot-tub is open ?

I miss it soo much.....

I'm tired, too many things to do , too many. As one ages comes responsibilty. My neck feels sore with all the expected pressures laying there, too many wants and less needs . I feel as if two people put their hands infront of me, open them up like aligators and gawk at me, and just engulf me, my friend asked me how was my day today, I took my two hands, and played aligators with them, snatching at my face. Sigh..... i'm having know fun, the only time I feel alive is at work with the cool, funky people. I'm counting down to some Islamic fundraiser dinner, then the next day I leave to Banff, then the week I come back is the 3 day Islamic Symp , then after that, I go to work, then wait a couple weeks later, and something more Muslimish event is supposed to happen, and then my something very fairytale and loving with sparkly dust will happen at the end of July, know it's not happening to me, I wish tho :D, and then in August is hertiage weekend, then after that I might go camping with my dads cousins coming in from Atlanta, and aunty Lyn is planning some cookout on her acrage and I get to see all my cute little fluffy baby cousins,, ah! I get to see Uncle Buddy , then after that is some other Muslimissh event happening.. and then I get ready for orientation for school starting in sept, and then the year is done, then me and good friend get excited and count down the days to our mini-get away to Toronto over christmas break, and were living it up:P.. yeh OR.. I can luck out from Toronto and go to the Virgin Islands with my folks... mmmmm cruise or Toronto, mmm thats a tuffey.

Yeh so boys and girls thats my summer. with other things happening , and working, mmm I need to get out. cruiserrrrrrrrr come :(

I got da natural glow, with the natural flow... ;)

I want to get out of this cage.

You see the picture down below with the gal on the ship , leaning over looking at the harbor. :(, reminds me of taken the fairy too Victoria, most beautiful time in my life, AlamdiouAllah.

Wanting to go back to Victoria *sigh* im home sick, like i mean, i'm getting sad in my house. I sound sad just typing that. I'm counting down the days till I go too banff. I can't wait to go for nature hikes early in the morning with dad, while mom and my sis kick it in the bed, and cook breakfast for us, when we get back. I can't wait for summer, well summer has begun for me a long time. I'm ............. :( I'm going to go eat chocolate mint ice-cream, even tho its after 6..flipp the time..

This aches. Reliving the same day over and over, im content with that, i've accepted that.

need to let out anger..................


errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr ksfdskfl;sdkf;lsdkf;ldskf;lsdkf;lsdkf;sldkfs;dkfs;dfksd;fksld;fksd;lf
IM NEVER ALLOWING MY SISTER ON THE COMPUTER AGAIN. TAKES ME FLIPPN JOE CLARK HR TO PRINT, AND ITS PRINTING FUNKY SYMBOLS..ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
JFSDLJFKLSDJFLKSDJFLKSDJF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I haven't seen the mountains for a long time.

The Lake House - a must see

I'm content to the world I have made for myself , so leave me be:)

Went for a run this morning, the weather was fine, as running I saw two girls around my age giving it hard, like just running, and breathing, and as they ran you could see their muscle move, and they looked fit, they got the waterbottle to the hip, some funky thing wrapped around their waste with their mp3 playa attached, had running sun glasses on, caps, yoga gear, nice nikey sneakers, and they smelled kinda nice as they ran past me. And then thers me in my green over sized la-sanza shirt that marks " sweet candy" at the back, and i have on grey track pants with tacky pink zippers all over the place, with my hair doped onto my head. *sigh* I think if i buy sport clothes like nice ones, I would be really motivated to run more, like longer. O well, I'm doing okay with my daily rotiune* one day roller bladding, the other day walking, I've being running backwards, and wow! that works everything, you feel it too.. I like that feeling, when your legs and arms pain you, mmm and then you go home, drink some water, make a fruit smoothie, take a shower, and read your book on your patio, and hear little children play and scream their lungs off, lawn moer is going, next door neighbors having a luncheon party with their freinds, me eve droppn on their conversation, ah summer is beautiful, AlamdiouAllah :D.

Our mini- family vacation is coming up and other eventful things to happen this summer, InshaAllah Khair :)

My friends dad had told her this, and which she told me too

" Just because you have one good apple don't stop there,

pick all the apples and see which one tastes the best."

Went out with the gals for dinner tonight at Olive Garden, it's becoming a new trend, AladmdiouAllah i'm seeing them more and more . It was fun, ate some good food, had some good laughter, and each one of their smiles adds more love to my heart.

Mama calls on cell, " when you ready to be picked up?" me " but were going to go to the movies ?" mama " no, i'm coming for you in ten mintues..... " me " hello, ma !"..
Mom is laying down the rules, i'm happy she is, really I'm, lately I have being given too much freedom, know questions asked, hardly any calls to come home early, but tonight out of the blue, she wanted me and my sister home early tonight... she says we've being having too many late night outs, and we should come home, and spend some time with dad and her, for once I didn't put up a fight, even though it was itching from my mouth to start..... as we drove home, I was happy mama laid down the rules, she hasn't being strict for a longgggggg time, and I kinda miss it, yeh sometimes you need order and discipline * in your life, no matter how old you are. Mom says when I marry and move out, thats when I can have all my late nights, but as long as I'm living under her roof, know matter the age it can be 30 , 40, 50, I obey Mr & Mrs. Shahs rules... yeh...

So I'm off to read my novel, and yeh it's kinda early to be home, on a Saturday night, but I'm happy, to be safe in my house.

:D

I really love this picture on my blogg, and when I saw it, I envyed it. She or He looks so cute, just playing with the sticks in the fire, with a blissful smile on their face, and their little head band on. Yeh the days of being a little one :(.

Mom thinks or seems shes got all the anwers to my life or life, I just look to her and smile " know one has the answers ma" we find out the truth of life, on the last breath we take before going to our death. They say before you die, your life flashes before your eyes, and you come to sudden stop. And you come to the truth and finalization of all the unknown questions you wanted to be answered while living, right before you go to Allah.
_________________-

The rest of this blog, does not make sense.