The breeze blows on my face, making me remember that trip..... I imagine the harbor to be pretty, with the sun glistening on the waters, and right by the restuarant, and the sofa, where you can see outside, overlooking the lake must be a sight for sore eyes, InshaAllah it will be nice if I can visit there .... it would be something.

I was working today, and I thought of everyone , on the trip. I never made it my effort to get too know the other people, like I mean one to one, eye ball to eye ball, instead I just grinned, laughed, talked a lil, was all in fun & jokes. I miss her, alot. And I haven't kept in touch -and I don't know how to pick up the phone, and talk with her, I feel I owe her something. She was a mother. I remember crying onto her shoulders, I didn't know what to say, I couldn't face truth, I just couldn't something kept telling me that this is just a inner test, it will soon past. I remember going down ony m kness in the room, the light streamed in, I had my white satin ' wedding' house coat on , I never cried before in prayer, I just let down my posture, and give in, I just let loose of the chains, untied knots I knotted for myself, and plunged forward to the darkness, it accepted me, and so I moaned.

I remember you coming in , my good little friend, holding me by the shoulders, know one as held me by the shoulders, you are so young than me, and I looked to you for something, for help ? I felt bad, I never played my part of being your older sister, either to both of you. I remember getting a headache, and I repented, and repented, till I couldn't anymore. I remember sleeping on the bed, soaked from my bath, I just put on anything that was lying around, I remember the others, saying not to go into the room, every little noise I heard increased the pain in my head, it felt like a tube of hot blood flowing over my overhead. I remember keeping one eye on the clock, to see what time I would have died, it went past 2:30, and my headahce was mild, I was thankful, and even though it hurt to get up, I got up went on my kness on the bed, and thanked Allah, for given my breath, and life. One thing I asked for, please spare my life to bare the sweet pains of labor, that's all I wanted, and I thought that was the best solution to anything.

I walked up the cold carpeted stairs, I can still smell the smell, I can still hear the music... I can see the light, I felt something of hope. I climbed up the stairs, they were all there. I had blood on my housecoat, I was still drenched in water, my eyes with bags, my voice was hoarse, I was hungry, and I drank some pink pop, I hait pop. I told my story, when I said it , felt like know one was impacted it, I showed my weakness.. all of it, nothing left to hide. I didn't care what would be said, if only the truth , if only I could say in a nonchantly way, what was eating at me- inside, everyone had their answers..one thing I always do I never doubt anyone, I never assume, I try not too, unless I hear it from the horses mouth. Know one knows anything, when they asked why I looked sad, or what was wrong, which I cared for, and was so happy, for their comfort, and sincerity, I just couldn't succumb to the depths, of what I termed as the unkown before I came there, know one must know, and I must not tell. So many times, I wanted to say it, and see what the response would be. I can't even come to the depths and say it now , after some months.

Every conversation, moment, emotion has being carefull coiled around that one thing from last year. So carefully planned, not to slip up, not to spill the can over, without any of the beans coming out. I was tired of living like this, and finally I just forgot, and let loose, let loose. I remember sleeping in bed, that's all I wanted to do, I had know calling to phone anyone, I just wanted to start school. Thought about it lastnight, Allah brings beauty in unexpected ways, and I'm so happy for it, the tokens he has bestowed into my mind and heart, I feel like a grown women... wait I'm a grown women. I have met people that have formed this heart of mine, and who has chipped this heart of mind, but never broken.

I went into shoppers after work today, I was going to get the Dove, lemon body lotion, I was hesistant, to flip the cap open and take one more whiff.. It was too much for me, everything flooded back... and I moved on and picked up Aveeno lotion mixed with lavendar and oatmeal, I remember using that lotion at a speical period.

It's late.....and my words are woven with mystery, uncertainity, and shyness, and resentement, and thankful, I'm always thankful....I love more

Maybe one day I will drag along a good friend, and drink coffe by the lake, or overlooking some beautiful scenery, and I will tell.