Through, the hustle and bustle of it all, I feel this great deep of sadness. That something has left me.

We went to the Northside today to get Naeeba's Eid outfit. Mom bought silk hijab scarves, she went all out. I bought my friend a gift...This year I don't care for a "Eid outfit" we're wearing what we have at home.

Past by the cemetary on the way home. Dad stopped by and paid his respects to his fathers grave, to my cousins grave, and a family friend. I really wanted to go visit my grand-dads grave- I haven't touched a tombstone ever in my life, and I feel as if I should to be reminded, I will go down that six-feet hole one of these days.I saw my dad approach his fathers grave, raised his hands and made dua,after he took his hands and swipped off the leaves from his fathers tombstone- that touched me.

I really wanted to go and talk to my grandfather,I don't know him, he doesn't know me. I want to tell him all I have experienced, I wish he was still around so I could gain some wisdom from him, and tuck it in my hand for safe keeping- for the journey I still need to walk. My sister and mom, told me not to go -woman are not allowed to visit the grave, the spirit will take you, "but it's Ramadan?"...."still..we are weak"

A great hollowing feeling sat in the bottom of my mouth, like tears wanted to come out, I felt shocked, I felt awaken for a little while. I will lay in that 6-ft hole one of these days, waiting like these souls do for judgement day.

I saw a tombstone made out of hearts joined together- they were married. They are burried next to eachother. If time tells me so, I will like to lay next to my love for eternity- how blissful is that?

I remember me and my friend were walking around, campus one day at the u. And we saw a 6-ft hole, the exact dimensions of a grave, we just stopped, and stared. She told me "no mother nor father nor sister, or me, or him- will go down there with you" it's just you and your deeds.

I'm in fear these days, and I like it. I haven't felt fearful for sometime, and it feels aweing..... I realized the things I desire and long for are nothing. They are greater things to work at Alisha. I'm so coiled into this life- it will only last for some years.

We all want that. Sometimes thoughts come to me, and I think about them for a mere second because I'm too scared to confront them. Sometimes I fear I won't have the opportunity to endure the sweet pains of labor,bringing a child into this world and raising him or her. Sometimes I fear I won't find him, or it's too late. Sometimes I fear I won't become stronger, sometimes I fear. I fear alot, until today. If it's intended for you, it will happen by Allah(swt), sometimes it's hard to wait, and preserve. Just keep being faithfull, and don't get mind swept into the plastic.My friend told me tonight- "patience is a success for the future"

I feel this great deep feeling of loss.My tears have frozen in time, something tells me it's supposed to be like this. Sometimes I have so much to tell you, and I feel as if the chance will never come.