I truly understand and comphrend* why people write words upon words, poetry, everything you name it- down on paper or on blogs, because so much is occuring in their life , and the world that surrounds them, that can not be woven into conversations, or staring into a persons eyes, praying that they can say something that will ease whatever your going through. And we grasp it from everyone, it's something we must survive on, feeelings, emotions, thoughts, everything us as humans need it to survive.Somtimes a good hug is worth it - just a squeeze to be reminded that your worth it.

I woke up this morning, and I had this urge to just jump on the computer and start typing. I've never had the ' urge' to write on my blog, I just blog because I'm bored and I'm in need to expressing and bringing my inner void out. I wanted to skip going to the bathroom, taken a shower, brushing teeth in shower, and eating breakfast, even though I got work today, but I had to put a hold onto myself. I dreamt about pigeons lastnight, ' white' & ' black ' pigeons flying at me, I was so scared, I could feel it. There was this boy in my dream waving off the birds, I always see him in my dreams he randomly pops up when he feels like too, and I never see his face, just his hands. I woke up screaming, and I looked to my closet, and I could see the outside lights reflecting off my closet door, and there in the shadows from outside was a bird. I quickly closed my window put on the lights, and stayed away from the window- hence I couldn't fall back to sleep. I woke up with one eye half crooked and one eye closed, sunlight streaming into my bedroom, my mom yelling from downstairs, on how I made a mess with the kitchen lastnight, my mom came into my bedroom - and yeh Hell broke loose , I got another lecture, lecture upon lecture, upon lecture , my dad told me ' to grow up ', errr jezzzz thanks mom and pops, goodmorning to you, my mom and dad just told it to me this morning, and again I felt worthless , it's only 6 in the morning and tears start welling up in my eyes, I climbed up the stairs , brush my teeth, and I start crying, choking upon tears again, my eyes have being red for days, and my eyes are too light of a brown, my nose is red, and there are bags under my eyes, that can only be touched . I put on my ' acne biore cleanser ' and start smoothering away at my face, and by now my face is white with white soapy spuzz, and my eyes are red, tears streaming down. I brushed my teeth while crying this morning, chocked on the toothpaste, no wait I swalled all of it, and I cried while praying through out the whole prayer, I raised my hands again ' another day ' like this huh ? I'm content, I don't mind crying anymore. I don't mind being hurt anymore, I don't mind being yelled at anymore , I don't mind loving anymore, I don't mind anything, tell me to do it and I will, I won't bark back, I'll just give you this sweet smile, and be merry with you for those few seconds.

I put on my make up, I threw on some clothes, just to feel normal, but inside , oh my insides are completely destroyed. I want to win a trip to somewhere far away, and not come back for another year.

I'm saving all money for a Christmas vacation with my friends, I'm hitching NewYork in the back of my mind, it's not happening, I miss Toronto, and the life that comes along with it.

I'll be okay, I keep telling myself that. Maybe I need to change something in my life, to not feel like this, I've being wondering what it is, but I go through experiences, I take up challenges to test myself to see the ' answer ' to be guided to it by Allah ( swt ) and still I feel like that 5 yr old girl.

keep me in your prayers please.