I should be reading Quran right now.

I've put off "writing" for some time, tried not to write, but I had too. I had work today. wasn't today beautiful? I wanted to crunch leaves with someone.
All these beautiful fairies were playing with me today.

I found myself dreaming as I'm studying, my mind wanders into things, for a while and I get excited. Dreaming of the most outmost things to do with a soul .
I tell myself Alisha it's Ramadan, how come you think of such fairy dust things now ? They are beautiful fairies to play with though.

I walked through the hall, by myself. Was taken back to conversations, laughs, eyes just echoing down the hall, leaching at me from every corner. Will those moments ever come back? or was it really just a taste of a little happiness?

I find myself saying things, things in which I think are normal to say without shame, and I have eyes staring at me, thinking I'm on crack. Is there anyone out there that likes to laugh really loud, is there anyone out there that likes to sit, and just talk one to one, and simply allow words to
flow around us ? Take those words and gift wrap ourselves with ..for a little while, until someone comes along, and ripps it open.. selfishly, wanting to know what's inside.. the true hidden gift- the beauty.


I want to take a hot air ballon ride. it's autumn, which fool would pass up on such beauty...I might just post up posters on the "general posting" boards at grant and uni.. and see who wants to go. It will say the following:


When: Sometime in the end of October.

Time: whenever

Where: meet at the boden park, ( because I say so for simple reasons) take bus to

Windship Aviation :)( I no the directions)

Why: Human soul in NEED of an adventure!

Price: COVERED ( me pay )

* Healthy low-carb snacks will be provided *

Some things you should take into consideration when traveling with ms.alisha:

Clean your ears the night before.
Have a good nights rest ( so you are AWAKE to listen to me ramblings)
Warm clothes ( autumn fashion)
Advil on hand ( I get sick out of the blue)

If interested: Drop a comment :)??

Gender specified: Doesn't matter.
________________________________
K.... I'm not serious.. or are you ms.alisha ?? I'm out...

When Ramadan is done, I'm getting my behind into some kinda of sport.. InshAllah :)

I had a talk with my papa lastnight, he said " Alisha I no you," no really me thinks lol..? He told me this :

" Stop waiting and hoping for roses and wine ."

I didn't say anything....
_________________________________________
You know what I want to do : I want to pick MY opponent, and go head to head with him in the ring. And I know who he his.

doesn't make sense...it's not supposed too loves

I have found comfort and security around you, so I ask of you don't leave me here.


___________
NO I'm not in love, NO there is NO DUDE. I just found this scribbled on the bus. good old tax-payers money going to use ..huh ? Yah so anyoo... was on number 68'o going home lastnight, the sky was breath taken, just beautiful.... and Knowing me, I'm just staring off to the sky * sigh* my heart away. lol, and my eyes shift down, and I see that ( up above) scribbled infront of me ...well at first it made me go ..awww, and all female lovey dovish stuff, but then- I got sad, happy/sad kinda thing, well NO just plain old sad. I don't have someone, that close to me, to acutally say those words to, makes me think... do I .. sometimes we are so blinded, going else where, for what we quest for, when,... simply it's right infront of us.
and it's too late to realize, that the one good thing you had in your life, you took for granted, knowing it would always be there, when you turned around, or call away.
And that person, is gone.

I was filling up my water bottle today, I don't know whenever I look to water, I always think - of death. I don't know what I would do, if the people that I know would move away, lose touch, or die. I'm so flippn emotional it's going to kill me.

Dad always says if you have something to say... say it..say it.. my mind is storming with this idea, I want to make it alive again.

Then again... you never learn dear.

Opened up good old g-mailo, and I got this email from my cousin down in Donna Kara Newyork.. Newyork.. enjoy the read loves :)

_____________________

Hi all,
This morning on my in to work, I saw a Youngman digging in the big black garbage pale on the subway platform for something to eat, after about 2 minutes his face came up with a smile,in hand he had a 1/3 of an eaten banana and a McDonald's coffee cup with a few sips in it. I had to give him my lunch!
Let's remember not to waste, better to give especially this month of Ramadan. To be hungry is truly a sin....

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man served God for seventy years and then committed a sin which canceled the merit of his service. Afterwards he gave a loaf of bread to a poor man, so God pardoned his sin and gave him back the merit of his seventy years' service. His alms are vain who does not know that his need of the reward for giving is greater than the poor man's need of the gift.
-Muslim Saying


Interwoven in our deepest conscience is the fabric of humanity- let's touch our other strand by smiling today.
_____________________

Smile even though it hurts... as I put it (lol )

As I sit here, in this room, a glass cage in which I trap myself in. Trying to captivate some sort of memory from this picture it is difficult. Simply, time as gone by fast, and it scares me as I write this. I got caught in the spoke of the wheel with the rest of them. I stare at this picture for five minutes- five minutes to be exact. I'll tell you what I see; I see a little girl. She has dark brown curly hair, slicked backed into a ponytail. Her skin is flawless without any little imperfections of a pimple, uneven skin tone, or bags under her eyes. Her eyes are hazel when the sun hits them; her teeth have little gaps in between them, when she smiles. Her dress is peach and frilled with frills. She holds a blonde- hair, naked Barbie doll in her hand, shoving it into her father’s camera, as she poses for the picture. She sticks out her but, puts her hands on her tiny hips and poses like she's just won some kind of movie award. I like the way she smiles at the camera with confidence, thinking she's got the a, b,c’s down path.

She stands on her patio, in front of a tree, that blooms pink flowers in the summer time. Her mother places her here all the time when taken a picture when the little girl is dressed up in her dresses. Why? Her mother once told her, she shaved a little piece of her hair, and buried it in the foundations of the patio when her father was re-constructing it, and the little girl asks her mother why? Her mother replied as all mothers do from the mother-unit so you will always be in blooming, and when your a old lady look back to this tree, you and this tree will keep time with each other, watch it grow, watch yourself grow".

As I sit back, and re-read what I just wrote, those words ring through me, " you and this tree will keep time with each other"- As I look to this picture, I truly wish I could go back in time, to that pose. My father would take my picture again, and I could taste that happiness that I took for granted when I was a child. As I look to that picture, I see a girl that truly smiled, for happiness and joy. As I look to this picture I'm in envy. Innocence and beauty speaks to me in words, speaks to me in words, which I can not take and reform again, and selfishly rub myself down with it.

This picture was taken at a house that I've only grown to know. Love was born here, love was made here, and love resides here. I was five at the time when that picture was taken. I did not know of the things now as I did back then. I thought my life was one big Barbie playhouse. There was a Ken and Barbie, with their pink shiny sports car. I guess my hopes and aspirations for the future were standardize by the ideal that Barbie’s had put forth onto me. I also thought that once you knew your alphabets it was straight coasting from here, my mother and father tried to shelter me from the harsh realities of life, they tried to capture the moment of happiness by taken pictures of me in my frilly dresses playing with my Barbie’s . I also didn’t know at that age of time, that the trees that I climbed with the little neighborhood boys, would soon grow into young men, in which would hurt the hearts of young women just like me. At that age in time I didn’t know of the stresses, as I do now, trying to do well in school and becoming successful for the future. At that age in time I didn’t know of the friends that I thought were my friends, would soon turn against me and stab me coldly in the back. At that age in time I didn’t know of the unwanted things my eyes would see as I walked my journeys in this world., stripping every bit of innocence I had away .
I look to this picture and I feel warmth. That cold ache that sleeps in the pit of your stomach, giving off to the disillusioned feeling that you are hungry but that hunger is often mistaken for something else. It creeps it’s way up to your heart, holds it tight, and sometime holds it way too tight, making you feel cold. I look to this picture from time to time, and I feel heated for a while.
You know how everyone has a favorite place in their house? Well mine is on the patio. When it's a nice cool fall evening, I just go out there, sit on the swing, and I stare to the sky- my eyes transfixed not moving, I watch as the sun goes down, and an aroa of orange, red, mixed in between combining a color of peach. I envision my peach dress coming down onto me, collecting me, and taken me off, far, far away. And I remember the smell of the pink flowers that would bloom in the summer, and I stare to the tree now, its branches naked, it looks hungry for life. I get up once in a while, and I stand at the same spot, and try to recapture the moment, I imagine I will be in my white wedding dress, and the flowers would be pink, I would stand tall and strong- a women now. My face would have aged a little, my eyes will still be hazel as the sun hits them, my hair would still be curly but this time black, all of the spaces in my teeth would have being full, and instead of holding a red -haired Barbie doll in my hand shoving it to my father's camera, I would be holding a bouquet of flowers in my hand, instead of pushing my butt out, and placing my hands on what was once tiny hips, they would have grown to hold the beauty in which I would l my children's legs will rest on as I carry them . Fourteen years has gone by in which I took that picture in my peach dress. I have made it through four-teen years of relishing; happiness, sadness, anger. I have become stronger, I have gained experience, I have molded. I’m a woman of this world, if time tells me so I will stand in my white dress by this tree that blooms every summer time, and I will have my picture taken. And if time tells me so, I will swing on that swing on my patio, staring up to the sky, allowing my peach dress to swoop down and caress the wrinkles that have formed on my face, and next to me sits my grandchild. I will show him or her, all of the pictures in which I took there by this tree as a girl, a young woman, a women, and now your grandmother. And I will be reminded of what my mother told me “ you and this tree will keep time with each other, watch it grow, watch it grow, watch yourself grow”.
_________________________________________

I'm going to get a big fat juciy F, Alisha you simply and MUST find a lad, that knows how to write.. *sigh* lol..going to bed..

Off of a sister's msn nick;

" It is in the remembrance of Allah that the heart finds rest"

so true, my friends.

This is for assign ( A PERSONAL ESSAY - I can't use a pen , so were using blogn )
_________________________________________________________________

As I sit here, in this room, a glass cage in which I trap myself in. Trying to captivate some sort of memory from this picture it is difficult.Simply, time as gone by fast, and it scares me as I write this. I got caught in the spoke of the wheel with the rest of them. I stare at this picture for five minutes- five minutes to be exact. I'll tell you what I see; I see a little girl. She has dark brown curly hair, slicked backed into a ponytail. Her skin is flawless without any litte imperfections of a pimple, uneven skin tone, or bags under her eyes. Her eyes are hazel when the sun hits them, her teeth have little gaps in between them, when she smiles. Her dress is peach and frilled with frills. She holds a blonde- hair naked Barbie doll in her hand, shoving it into her fathers camera, as she poses for the picture. She sticks out her but, puts her hands on her tiny hips and poses like she's just won some kinda of movie award. I like the way she smiles at the camera with confidence, thinking she's got the a,b,c's down path.

She stands on her patio, infront of a tree, that blooms pink flowers in the summer time. Her mother places her here all the time when taken a picture when the little girl is dressed up in her dresses. Why? Her mother once told her, she shaved a little piece of her hair, and buried it in the foundations of the patio when her father was re-constructing it, the little girl askes her mother why? Her mother replied as all mothers do from the mother-unit so you will always be in blooming, and when your a old lady look back to this tree, you and this tree will keep time with eachother, watch it grow, watch yourself grow".

As I sit back, and re-read what I just wrote, those words ring through me, " you and this tree will keep time with eachother"- As I look to this picuture,I truly wish I could go back in time, to that pose, my father would take my picture again, and I could taste that happiness that I took for granted when I was a child. As I look to that picture, I see a girl that truly smiled, for happiness and joy. As I look to this picture I'm in envy. Innocence and beauty speaks to me in words, speaks to me in words, which I can not take and reform again, and selfishly rub myself down with it.
This picture was taken at a house that I've only grown to know. Love was born here.
You know how everyone has a favourite place in ther house? Well mine is on the patio. When it's a nice cool fall evening, I just go out there, sit on the swing, and I stare to the sky- my eyes transfixed not moving, I watch as the sun goes down, and an aroa of orange, red, mixed in between combining a color of peach. I invision my peach dress coming down onto me, collecting me, and taken me off, far, far away. And I remember the smell of the pink flowers that would bloom in the summer, and I stare to the tree now, it's branches naked,it looks hungry for life.I get up once in a while, and I stand at the same spot, and try to recapture the moment, I imagine I will be in my white wedding dress, and the flowers would be pink, I would stand tall and strong- a women now. My face would have aged a little, my eyes will still be hazle as the sun hits them, my hair would still be curly but this time black, all of the spaces in my teeth would have being fulled, and instead of holding a blonde-haired Barbie doll in my hand shoving it to my father's camera, I would be holding a boquet of flowers in my hand, instead of pushing my but out, and placing my hands on what was once tiny hips, they would have grown to hold the beauty in which I would like my children's legs to rest on as I carry them . Fourteen years has gone by in which I took that picture in my peach dress, five years from now will be the place where I stand in my white dress.




__________

I can't think anymore..mm doesn't make sense ?? suggesions...

"Lee get ya acne medication, ya just look aged,you'll look good for Eid''

me: :(* sigh* on a different note I'm not looking forward to spend 100 buks on pimple meds and pills- I've had enouggh of pills .UGH!...

If you want to build a ship, don't herd people together to collect wood and don't assign them tasks and work, but rather teach them to long for the endless immensity of the sea.



Antoine de Saint-Exupery

guide it to me with ease, satisfaction in my mind and heart with peace.

Keep being faithfull, fight for the right, uphold and maintain the truth - even though it shames you to speak.


that's all...for now

Happy Ramadan to all :)

I'm at work , just dreading work today, done at 4pmo... its 12pm here.. pray, let the hours go by fast. I told myself this morning, looking at my groggy eyes, '' we are not going to blog'' for the month of Ramadan, we shall do other peaceful methods of feeding the soul. But then writing is healthy, even though I can't write for living daylights - how do they say it " brings that inner void out, feed yourself". So whatever days come my way, and I find a moment of beauty and happiness or realishing sadness, hait, and tears- I will keep on writing, along with lovish stuff . It's so weird it's warm and sunny and its Ramadan. We break fast tonight at 8pm, gulping down hot tea mixed with cream and honey, along with some Arab sweets, then break for Maghrib, then supper, mm my mom says she's going to make eggplant. I love eggplant give it to me. Mmm.

I was telling Naseeba today we should order pizza tonight- I might just do it.
Then after dinner we got scanter like little mice and clean up the kitchen. Get ready for prayer, get Naseeba to tie my hijab while yelling at me- " flipping learn how to pin it yaself !'' and me quivering because she might just poke me brains out. On another note, I need abhais, I only have one black abhai, my mom and sister own a gizzilon but for some odd reason they think if I wear it I'm going to bust it ?? , am I that fat ?? Sometimes I feel like cinderalla, wishing my prince will come for me one day lol..

Anyoo , I need to clean my room, do some hw and some studying. I'm really getting sick of coming to the University, everything in Alisha's life revolves around the uni- it's the central point for everything. I'm at uni today for work, Imma have to be here tomorrow again for studying- because ms. alisha, does not do too well studying in her LONLEY room with her teddies - yuppp..

I said I was going to bake a pumpkin pie, and I stiLl am.. mmm I think me going to invite friends over, and do a taste test '' look at what I made :D

Mmmm I'm really tired, I have bags under my eyes.. for the first time in Alisha's life she has bags under her eyes just from.. I dunoo. The only times I get bags under my eyes , is when I cry late at night. and then wake up in the morning, and I just look like a living wreck.

Anyooo , this post is blah.. blahh..blah..

g'day

" Letting go of what was "

I'm not even part of the " what was " groupie :( jeez ba beez some people have " of what was " in terms of lost love, lost friend, lost career, interest, I dunno anything attached with emotional lifish fulfillment and contenment of one's heat??

I was sitting down yesterday doing homeowork, infront of me was a couple , a pretty couple holding hands. A different type of holding hands, the gal's arms were strethched out and the guy took his fingers and did some kinda quirky massaging type of technique, and he pulled her arms closer to his chest.. and he just looked into her eyes.. like long look - they stayed like this for what a five minutes.. and me watching on like I'm in the cinema.. They didn't even kiss, just stared into eachothers eye's ...that's love.

On a another note. I'm 19 ... turning the big 2-0 next year ( iA ) how come a sixteen year old. some gal that is younger than me " is in a relationship" like a healthy romantic, mutal, non-commitment realationship, like their committed, but not like " oh! I'll walk you to the bus, I'll hold ya books, I'll bring coffee for you every morning ( well I would do that :P) not that kinda clingy committed... mmmm ?? Theres this song I like, by Leanne Wommack and in it she sings " I don't want to look back on my youth " , you know what hit me hard just now - my youth is like almost done.. I missed out big time- with everything, kinda feeling regretful. Just trying to make up for lost time, I guess. buy anyoo like I've never being in a relationship, I'm not quite sure how I would be or what to do, I mean not like a haram relationship, but like a relationship with the idea or proposal of " I'm going to marry you next year I just need to finish school, and we can hitch it in my papa's house or live in a carb board box, WHATEVER!, and then we could just hang , like mm maybe I'm getting ahead of meself, but the question has being lurring in the back of my mind, how would I love?, I'm not quite sure how to love, like when you first meet him... like does it begin from friends... but this gets me feeling quirkish- what if the dude is like "I like you " and you like him back, then do you let go of the bars of that guards up- of just being a friend, and then start holding hands- or just like I love you, do you start thinking and planning for the future with your friend now LOVER.. ?? like ERRR omg.. ( mental breakdown lol ) this is confusing... well I mean your used to be friend, is going to be the father of your children now, he's going to see you naked.. like errrr.. this reallyy digs at me.. he's going to see you wake up from your sleep. with like stale mouth, and your face looking all haggered out.. he's going to - help you when your sick - your going to grow old with eachother, your going to aruge with him.. this is your friend.. OR mmm now Alisha is turning the tables... do you start from friends.. or mm mmm " or ?" " I'm 23 your 26, we need to get married before we do more fitnahish activities " and then just get marries you for the flip of it , and then you will love him , loving someone without knowing them like I mean five yrs knowing them kinda thing from before. I duno I could never marry a person I just knew in a years capacity. I mean it seems like a long time a year , 12 longgggggggggggg months , BUT within those 12 months you gotta think THINGS through. like so many things, first ' well do I click with the dude'' do we formualize well with eachother.... '' financial.. where we going to live..eat / sit .. heres the big crincher " his he the one " his he the one.. girls do ya self a favor don't ask yourself that when your in the engagement process. hearts just get hurt.. and the pain.. mm it just -bloody hurts ok ??

Don't committ to something you KNOW you don't want.. or don't get, to the love stage, where the dude starts to develop feelings for you , like he likes you ALOT, but your mixed up, it's okay to be confused- life is all about choices just go about the right way of doing it, don't hurt the lad's heart - like if he likes you alot, and your just friends, and your not sure of the whole thing, just let him know where you stand before , stabbing him in- don't let the dagger touch the heart.. broken hearts kill :(

Okay off to bed.. I'm not sure " how to love" mmmm.. you know what you can be freinds with everyone..talk ALOT.. got everything a -rated down path- BUT you don't how to love...
Hello my name is Alisha - I create things in my head at night, and when alone. the cold just does something to you.. I hait that feeling, that ache.. of now knowing the certain...

The certain...are you my certain

_____________
This was typed under the influence of talking to random ( ers) today.

Olay ! I'm in.. I've being sold into to ... Greys Anatomy* Season Premiere.. on CTV- starting right now .. I'm watching it.. hehehe.. they got a new doc me thinks..and I hope the chinese gal and the black man make babies this time, some pretty kildren to look at :D...I need to learn the names..

It's being a long time , since I've followed a tv series.. mmm woah! flashback..

I need time..but time is evil, I'm so busy up to my eyes I can't even stop, sit ,think , things through, and there will be a time when I will need too, so I ask for some patience ??

patience tis a virtue.

“To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.” George MacDonald

Aplogies my follow readers ( not that I got any ..now laugh muahah ) I never knew that people couldn't comment as ' anons' and I'm open and free to anything, so I found the time to click the little box that allows ' anon' comments.. so please free to drop some comments, I get alone just watching ' 0 comments ' people get like what 32 ..ugh! popular computer /msn/ blogn/ NERDS :D

I'm a coffee / chai / o.j - type of sit down gal, I ramble and ramble, and according to my father, I nevet stop for breath, and I talk with ' run on sentences ' and I pronounce my words with a extra g-rated ending...mmm * ahem* so yah I do coffee ...??

okay studying awaits.. :) g' night my loves.

I'm sick :(..

On another note, I had to go out yesterday evening, didn't know what to wear, parents not helping , naseeba watching ' yo mama ' , and I tried on like 5 different outfits asking for their comments, you know like change it up, change the pants, add this.. you get the drift, and my familo..... was of NO use, I don't get pesky .. but I got pesky lastnight...Errr made me think at that breakdown moment of my high fashion profile I wish Saher and Hasna and Siham were in my room so they could help me out.... I miss you boo booS

Reminds me of the creek at camp.
There were some girls tanning in g-rated shocking pink / brown bikinis, big shades on, beaded hemp around their necks... Sipping on their water bottles, flipping through magazines- laughing giggling, unwanted flesh leaking out.
I was in a long black gown, with a hijab on, I had on jeans underneath- I was so tempted to roll my jeans up, and whip of the hijab, and just soak it up, the sun, the coldness, the water.
They kept staring at me, for once in my life I knew how it felt, to be looked upon, but somwhere within me I found this strength, only God can judge me, those girls are just like me, flesh and blood, they hurt, they bleed, it's their choice to show that, it's my choice to be covered. I just laid in the water, drenching, cold, and they stared at me some more, I was in a long black gown with a hijab on I just sat in the water- and to them that must look abnormal. I said outloud to them ' trying not to get dark ' :) .... they laughed.

A girl lastnight gave a speech about hijab ' I laugh , I have just as much fun as you guys do , but my true beauty is covered, NO guy knows what I look like, I'm so selfish of my beauty I do not flaunt it, only my husband will have the ' privilege ' of seeing me, I'm a treasure that is not visible .' She said the real and true beauty is inside... the heart , the mind, your intentions. Made me think for a while.... she said the good believers wear it, just as they are good christians , the good christians , the strong ones , veil themselves.... I guess it comes in all forms of religion they are the strong believers the good ones, and the weak believers the bad ones. Made me think about the hijab again.. it's just cloth doesn't hurt you, its soft.

I looked to the sisters that stand before me, all of them younger than me, all of them so much stronger, a inspiration I have had the privilege to see them grow from a little girl to a women.
Everyone of them wears hijab, MashAllah. And I look to myself.

Yeh I'm bashing my bones around, but sometimes that inner void needs to come out, either through fasting, praying, reading Quran , writing , talking to someone, it needs to come out, so mine comes out like this.

I have so many inner battles inside that I'm trying to suppress*, so many defenses needs to be made, and tackled at from the opponent, blood sheds, heart flickers. When I hear someone talk about the day of Judgement it makes the hair on my arms rise, I get cold , my eyes bulge, and I think, of all the sins that have accumulated within me, and I look to my right hand, this will be the hand that my deeds are delivered too on that day. So many things I'm trying to stop.
They say those that do not help themselves, Allah will not help. And I think some more, maybe that's why my mood goes from happy to sad, to ' what is this ' - I want the big picture, I'm always wanting more, I'm always wanting that love, when I should look around and be satisfied and thankful........ maybe before love can come, I should be thankful for the bounties that Allah ( swt) has given to me in my path - I'm healthy, I'm getting a education, I have the luxuries to create something for my peers, I have the privilege to lend some time to attend a meeting, instead children in third world countries must bustle their behinds home from the town all the way to the country side after school, to buy bread, to fetch loads of hay for the villager for $ 4.00 that really accounts to $ 50 over here in North America, going home, that child must feel tired, after a long hard day , and feels the need to just let go, allow his or her's thoughts to roam, they don't have the privilege to blog, or go on msn, or go out for coffee or go to the cinema and dinner. They wear the same white elmo shirt that has travled in a brown card borad box all the way from the U.K or Canada.. wherever and that shirt fulfills all to them, just Elmo being on that shirt is good enough for them, but nay! we must have the right fabric, size, fitting at the waist, ' no this makes my chest pop ' or whatever. They go home after preparing for the night, lighting candles, locking up the gates, sleeping with one eye open so no one takes his or her's life and their familes , they are awake constantly never sleeping, they don't even have one second to dream... NO dreaming.. imagine that, but yet we can dream, and blog it - express it. And I look to my hands, they are smooth they smell of Victoria Secret strawberry lotion, they have no bruises, or callous on them, no markings of work, just of pedicures, and massaging.

And I look to the past entries...and I'm in shame. I told a soul once ' This may sound cheezy, but I want to build houses in third world countries when I get older, with my husband ' I want to have fought my inner battles, to fight the battle for my humanitarian brothers and sisters, to see someone smile is truly a blessing, it makes you rich. I want the sweat to be dripping off my forhead, I want the sun to sting my skin, I want to look up after from digging a hole for the lay down of the house, and see him look to me and smile. I want to fight the battles to get to you, so maybe me and this lad can make something better, it may not be big or even small, just tiny, but it's worth soemthing.

I can type more, but then we are entering in to another forsaken realm of pain staking talks, thoughts and words of the heart. And well were trying to see higher than that, for now I want to work hard and help people.

How did I go from a picture of a creek to girls tanning to hijab to building houes. to love again. ??
It always ends with love.. ugh!

I dreamt lastnight, about you again. And for the past two nights, it pains too much, to clearly remember the dream has I go about my days work. And I stop, and I know the truth, and the reality of it all, if feels like I'm watching myself in a movie, and I want it to end, or pretend the viewing never happened. I was catching my bus today, it was cold, raining. And for some odd reason I looked to the pavement, and was taken back to the dream, and I heaved for breath of air to snapp back into life.

Something truly pains me, the gulp that forms in the back of my throat, the feeling I get in my stomach, the dryness of my mouth, my fingers cold,my lips dry... and I have no need to eat or drink nor sleep. It hurt lastnight too much. You know when they say love pains, it truly does.

It's funny lastnight I was with my friends, and I think to myself , days will get better, and I get stronger, but when I'm alone that's when things hit.

Olay ! ladies and dudos... tonight was girls HALL party and with the said.. :P. You know what I've found withmyself when I'm being a dragg to me, and I'm thinking crazy thoughts like ' sad' thoughts of stupid things, I should dance... just shake it.. like shake it. Wow dancing is so healthy for ones soul, your just letting go, shoulders rolling, feet moving, hips shaking, hands in the air.... music vibrating and ringing through you ears, the heat, th environment. If I lived in a spanish village, and it was summer...mmmm ... yah mmmm ( lol )

Anyo friends took pics..like way loads of pictures... friend said the most loveliest thing to me ' Wana know why I take so many pictures of me and you ? So I can make a scrap book and it give it to you on your wedding day ' :( Okay she got me there.... that's one of the most sweetest things I've ever heard, she meant it too . I've saved all pictures people have given to me, I need to buy a album and start sticking up.... I also need to invest my money into purchasing a camera.

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Alrighty, I was looking through old pics, till I got really sleepy... studying tomorrow. good old studying....mmmm I'm so tired.. And so I leave with this- ' how was your day ' ' pretty good I got to live one more day ' :) ...I feel sorry for my kids.. I really do lol ( InshAllah )

Olay ! ladies and dudos... tonight was girls HALL party and with the said.. :P. You know what I've found withmyself when I'm being a dragg to me, and I'm thinking crazy thoughts like ' sad' thoughts of stupid things, I should dance... just shake it.. like shake it. Wow dancing is so healthy for ones soul, your just letting go, shoulders rolling, feet moving, hips shaking, hands in the air.... music vibrating and ringing through you ears, the heat, th environment. If I lived in a spanish village, and it was summer...mmmm ... yah mmmm ( lol )

Anyo friends took pics..like way loads of pictures... friend said the most loveliest thing to me ' Wana know why I take so many pictures of me and you ? So I can make a scrap book and it give it to you on your wedding day ' :( Okay she got me there.... that's one of the most sweetest things I've ever heard, she meant it too . I've saved all pictures people have given to me, I need to buy a album and start sticking up.... I also need to invest my money into purchasing a camera.

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Alrighty, I was looking through old pics, till I got really sleepy... studying tomorrow. good old studying....mmmm I'm so tired.. And so I leave with this- ' how was your day ' ' pretty good I got to live one more day ' :) ...I feel sorry for kids.. I really do lol

May Allah ( swt ) ease the yearnings of your heart and mind desires.

I don't no how to wilt you, or if I should attempt to hang you upside down and allow you too . Taken the collectings and perfume them, with every finger I had used to stroke the thought of you away. Even if you wilted you would still have that same beauty. You are one of a kind, something that can never be reformed again, even recarnated, you have being cropped well. I wish to hold the stem, and caress it along my cheeks, hearing your whispers ringing through my hears at every thought that you say, has the warmth of your breath makes it's way around my neck. As the scent leaves a stain that can never be washed away.

I wonder if your hands are cold or warm, I hope they are warm.A man that can fit a ship into one of those little bottles , has detail, I hope you are good at detail, because I need it.


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Okay yah it's a bit too much lol, I'm just taken my ' mental break ' I feel like typing some more, and maybe I will- Umm if it gets too much just...mm well just move the mouse clicky thing to the red box with the ' x ' in it, or minimixe with ' - ' or make your way to the ' Esc' button on ya left hand side.. olay ? Olay :D...

I want to write... ALL of it... but it's too shameful :(, I was just thinking if my MOM read my blog, like by somehow got hold of it.. I wouldn't be able to show my face, I would send myself to girls boarding school in some far away land...

I'm just not good with computers, okay the botttiful pictures that I got from friend did not show up, so much of loading them up :(...mm yes, yes Alisha is in the process of still learning not to make clumsy mistakes.. with that said, it's raining .... mmm yeah! My hair got frizzed up this morning, you know what I look like today, some gal that just came back from the mountains, I hvae me army jacket on a.k.a guns and roses, with green pants, with my red shirt underneath that says ' Sounds of the ocean soothe my soul ' with my hair crunked up in a messay bun with head band on..and were not wearing make up today :) I look HOT :P.

So gals party tomorrow, correction ' Girls Hall party' ONLY FEMALES.. :), with the said pull out the glitz and glam , and the heelz , and volalal we get ourselves a pretend club..Tomorrow we have NO school we are studying tomorrow, tomorrow is also packed with anothe beautiful, productive day of meeting and doing things ...okay class starts, was supposed to find out who
the ' Attorney General is for Alberta and Canada ' ..mmmm

peace out lovleys...

p.s - in proccessss of allowing ' anon ' comments.. dudo :)

Pics from Ummrah ( From a friend :)

In order to love you must love your self first.
In order to love you must know who you truly are ' what defines you', ' your goals '.

Just some things I thought of right now ......mmm * cough* not that I want to fall in love LOL..now laugh with me ...laugh... ladies and gentz every single entry I type about as to do with ' love ' ' marriage ' ' dreams' blahhh to tell ya the truth I went through a phase and now I'm done, summer is done, and were back into the swing of things, the sun does have some effect onto the heart..

anyone want to make me soup?? mmmmm ..thought so.

I just send my english assgn to a gal that I do not KNOW.. on my gmail list - O wellerseres hope she enjoys reading my personal life :D. mehhh it was meant to happen.

g' night lovleys

I feel like crying now, they have ' students bbq' today out on the lawn.. I have NO one to go with.
Ate lunch bymyself again, TRYING to read my clunky binder of course notes, over hearing of peoples conversation and looking to them and thinking ' it used to be like that' I never knew what good I had when I actually thought life was one big greyish depressing matter to sulk in.

I feel like crying, I could call people right now and talk to them, but people have life's and I have one too, and I must walk alone for some time left- I wish some of my friends were here, I wish Hasna and Saher and my sister were right by my side right now, I feel like laying my head in their lap, and allow the tears to stream down, I miss their fingers twirling with my hair, I miss the laughter, and their perfume they would wear, I miss those eyes I used to look at all the time.
I miss their ring tones rining off all the time, I miss going for coffee . I have a hours break and I said I would get some homework done, to tell you the truth Alisha, I just don't feel good right now. Trying to hold back the tears as I stare at the muffin in the Tim Horton case- some dude laughed at me well know just freindly stranger conversation ' That hungry eh ?" :) ...I looked to him and just smiled my moon smile...

I need a shoulder to brace on right now....theres flippn no privacy to type here.

Tissues plz, and NO this is not a sympathetic call out , I'm just letting whatever emotion I have in me on to here... have faith, courage, you wear those wrist bands so implement into your heart and mind.... classes finish at 4pm.

why does everything hurt...? Why!

Every dream has a begining and a ENDING :)

I just had to type that .....

I dreamt I was pregnant lastnight, like my belly was somewhat big, between 2-3 months pregnant, my belly looked really bronzy , and fake, and my bellybutton stuck out, so I had the symptoms of a pregnant women. Later on in my dream I was at southgate shopping mall, buying chocolate from ' Bear Mountain' I decided not to get the chocolate beacause I thought I was going to get from fat it, I soon realized that since I found out that I was pregnant I had still being on my diet, and not eating the right foods as a pregnant women should, I got this panic that my baby was dead in me , because I didn't eat enough for it to eat, I was so scared, and all these emotions running through my mind ' my first baby is gone, my first baby ' and it felt that I could never be pregnant again because I just knew I would loose my soon to be baby. I was all alone, I felt like I was a single mother in the dream just my parents and sister were there, along with some of my good gal freinds. I remember telling my mom ' I wish I had eaten all of those foods' it totally slipped my mind that I was even pregnant, and the regret I was feeling ' ouch'. I told my mom I wanted to go too the clinic to see if the baby was still alive, my mom pressed on my belly, and it sunked in, my belly just inflated in and out, like a ball that hasn't being pumped for some time, it hurt too when she presssed on it...... It was total chaos.....

I woke up tears in and around my eyes, and it truly felt that I just lost my baby, and how I really wanted ' that baby' to be in my arms. I felt like a mother who just lost her child, I have never felt such emotions before. Two nights before I also dreamt that I was holding a baby, it was a girl, in a baby pink jumper, she had brown curly hair, and she had gold studs in her ears, with a cute little gold bangel on her wrist, her legs were cute and pudgy, I was holding her in my arms, she smelled so sweet, and felt so innocent, the love I had for her was beyond words I can convey- I was her mother, and she was my child, I took pains to get her. I remember coming in to mamas bedroom sitting on her bed, watching her put on her make-up, it was like I was the little girl watching my mom, and I was that ' women ' holding her child. The baby girl was tanned, looked mixed with cute little features , she had brown eyes, and long lashes.....

I write all of this, because it's the most vivid dream , I haven't dreamt about anything or anyone for a long time, just busy doing things- my mind hasn't had thE time to just dream.....I felt something. In both of the dreams I was alone, the father wasn't there. I kinda feel scared right now as I type that....No father...my family was there.

Allah makes you have dreams for a reason ' guidance ' .... I take it, and walk with it.

To the future :)

I typed the story- and it was too long, and just reading it makes me sad. It stares at me in task bar ' Document 2-Microsoft word ' I'm tempted to dlt it, and just leave it in my head, it's like a black and white film strip, this time it's in color flowing before my eyes, as I walk every step in this life, it's always streaming in a orderly fashion of events that have happened, always flowing, and I tell myself soon it will come to ' The end '.

We never get our dream, we get something close to it though.

I can never settle for that....I need the whole thing.
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Quick blur of the movie :P

It is 1987 and Jenna is a 13-year-old girl on the brink of womanhood. The problem is that adulthood is just not arriving fast enough. She's suffocated by her dorky parents, ignored by the hip kids in school--and the cute guy she has a crush on barely knows her name. No longer content to spend time only with her best friend and neighbor, Matt Flamhaff, Jenna invites the cool kids to her 13th birthday party. But the party is a disaster. Jenna is humiliated when she's locked in the closet for a game of "Seven Minutes in Heaven" and everyone deserts her.Alone in the closet, Jenna makes an earnest wish. If only she could be all grown up, she'd have the life she's always wanted. Miraculously, her wish comes true. The next day, when Jenna emerges from the closet, it's 2004 and she's 30 years old. What's more, she is a gorgeous successful woman with a great job and a fabulous Fifth Avenue apartment. She is finally cool and popular. The only hitch? She has absolutely no idea how she got there. Initially frightened but gradually enchanted by her new life, Jenna soon realizes there's something missing--Matt. When she looks him up, she is horrified to discover that she and Matt are no longer in contact and, furthermore, he is engaged to be married. Jenna learns that 'having it all' is not enough and decides to take a second chance at first love. Now her biggest wish is that it's not too late.


( I copy & pasted this from yahoomovies.com :S )

Just watch the ending, honestly the ending the big crincher. :'(, I was holding my chest...the whole time...why can't I end up like this...uh? ughhh..moving on.

Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high,
There's a land that I heard of
Once in a lullaby.
Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue,And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true.
Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me.
Somewhere over the rainbowBluebirds fly.
Birds fly over the rainbow.Why then, oh why can't I?
If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbowWhy, oh why can't I?

:) SIGH....

That will be the day when I get to highschool...
That will be the day when I finish highschool....
That will be the day when I get into post-sec....
That will be the day when I finish post-sec....
That will be the day when I get my career....
That will be the day when I find love......
That will be the day when he marries me....
That will be the day when I'm walking down the aisle in my white dress....
That will be the day when I go through labor, and give birth to our child.....
That will be the day when our child grows up.....
That will be the day when our child goes through all of the above that I just mentioned...
That will be the day when we retire .....
That will be the day when were speeding in our little red sports car down some unknown road ..
That will be the day when we are grandparents ....

And before you know it, ALL of this flashes before your eyes , your life makes it's way to your chest, and leaves behind a place that it has made it's home within.



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I'm home all alone, just taken a mental break :)

Hey, its filmed in some nice exotic place, nice view for the eyes :)

I was reading some of my past entries, and WOW! One big word that conveys my humuliation *I have done to me soul, embrassment, can someone or maybe I should imprint IDIOT on my forehead. I feel so looserish today... maybe I talk too much about myself, maybe I ask for too much pitty in my conversations with people ' one to one ' I'm not a good listner these days, I stray away from HUGE crowds of people, I RATHER sit bymself . Today at work I decided to work in office where NO one was seated everyone else was in the other room, talking, musing, laughing. I rather just get the work done, make phone calls, listen and follow through what they tell me to do, and go my way and recieve my award at the end of mmm two weeks :) . Today I cut out orange pumpkins and made vines for them out of green construction paper, we are decorating the office in ' harvest' style that's right , Halloween and Thanksgiving is just seconds away :D, I'm doing all of this with that sick feeling of ' back to school / going to be early / reading / know freind seeing, or loving * SIGH* .

This week was good, AlamdiouAllah the days will get better... doing this for one reason, and only one reason. Ramadan is coming around, within what three weeks or so :), things will get better.

I found , and I'm going to make it habitual* blah, to go for coffee on Fridays after work ... Wow, it feels so good, like olalala finger licking good. Met up with a stranger after work today, went through some important things that were not relevant to my personal life, or school or work, just * side / business things* ( I can not disclose any info ) I probably talked my head off, and sounded way tooo CRUNKED..like wackoo...maybe I should keep certian things tucked away inside of me, don't show too much of that side, save it for someone...Moving on :) * Ahem* clears throat anyoo it feels good to meet up with anyone and just talk out the weeks events, and for the future clear the mind, go home with a smile on ya face, enjoy the weekend, soak up whatever radiance you recieve, enjoy life ... I learned from the stranger " to enjoy this moment " this very moment intacked in my finger tips as I type away, this moment as my yellow kitchen light stings my eyeballs, this moment of my ears listening to the computer making that ' humming sound'. Respect yourself,..... ' respect yourself ' that struck a cord in me , a dusty thick chord once played on a violin now stored away in some far away actic down under.

I also learned that you must always see the good, always see the good, don't even look at the bad, that way YOU MOVE ON, you don't feel any negative feelings....

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Ok? I just wrote this entry lastnight, and somehow in the end it's in spanish??, maybe the ending was not meant to be read, I take this cue from above...moving on :)

It's nine o'clock here in my head. Third day of classes . Was thinking of working out this morning, it's too early to start up such a thing, give ya self time gal. I have work tomorrow, and with that said, I feel too tired to work. Last year I had so many options so many plan 'Bs' didn't have to work, could have called in sick didn't have to do this- could wait till nextyear. But as I was laying in my bed lastnight, I MUST go to work this Friday I have no if's and's or but's ( make sense ) I must work, to help my self for the future- saving what little I get to amount to something of great value for the future. It's not the amount I'm going to have by time I'm twenty-five or soish.( InshAllah) what's going to give it higher value is that I sweated, gritted, went through the ups and downs to save that money- the ' true' earnings beind it, the ' devotion' the 'commitment'.

I have mid-terms in the first week of October at least they will be out of my head as Ramadan progresses, get em over with.

I truly enjoy walking by myself, and having know ' chilling / loving' interaction with people here. I just go about doing my thing, I'm really focus -AlamdiouAllah. Alisha is FOCUS :D.
Before going to be bed I watch ' Pilot Guides' this Australian dude goes around the world and tours it, presenting the beauties of every culture in this world, and the religion of every country. They were in Brazil lastnight, I saw the beaches, the hard life, the sunset , and I told myself we are going to work hard in school and get to that place of achivement for the near future. I told my mom lastnight I have one goal right now- only one , just work hard in school, get my career and work hard there too, save money, and travel- travel. When it's winter break, spring, summer you name it, I'm going to be on that plane, or whatever it may be I'm going to be up in that air, walking different land every year.

" Land steadies people, holds them, even if they imagine they control it. Land owns and defines us. Without it, we become something else. "

I have class and with that said, good day mates. Enjoy the moment, you can simply get off this chair , and all can end.

I'm so sad lol.

School beings tomorrow :) Happiest go lucky gal in hickville deadmonton.

I'm going to save my first three pay cheques when I get my ' real job' InshAllah. And get lost in the desert somewhere, I want my lips to get chapped and dryed by the weather, I want whisps of sand to slap my face as I walk. I want to feel the coldness as I find comfort in the sands at night. I want to be awaken by the moans of the camels. And I want to take my jack knife, and plunge into the trunk of the cactus* to get water....................................

Summer is finishing and we are entering into autumn the mix between warm and cold- maybe I will be at more ease ' neutral ' , a balance ? Last year at this time what were my thoughts? The same as now a little bit more accepting and not so naive. I was confused as know hell as to what that year would bring, I prayed for guidance from Allah ( swt) and as I look back I made it through, this year was good , AlamdiouAllah. I learned alot about myself just from interacting and meeting new people, and drawing closer ties with other souls.

It feels as if someone as died. Mourning something that I know will soon happen - ' it will happen ' just a matter of days, weeks, months, years. I'm trying to accept that the youthful hearts and minds I have met , will soon be faded but never forgotten, I'm so privileged to have even met their hearts, and their thoughts of beauty , flawed life imprinted in the palm of their hands. They will go on in life marry, have children, work in this life, share moments of happiness, sadness, walk everyday hoping to get somwhere better, we always strive for the high anarchy of goodness and rightenous in our life's, so selfishly wanting to attain it. They will stop and fall to their kness and remember when days were truly a blessing , they will regain that familiar taste of pink bubble gum chewing, snapping in their mouths. The sugar that dripped from all ten fingers looking helplessly for a tissue or for someone to wipe away the sweetness from their fingers. The charred bruises from falling off their bike with Joey (the guy that lived nextdoor) , they will remember that feeling of wanting the ground to swallow them up from beneath and taken them to never land after sitting in on their first day of school, that feeling of their stomach, the dry taste of cereal in their mouth, and the new smell of the HB yellow pencil that sits in the cylinder place on their desk , calling their name in whispers ' begin with me , I'm the key to your future ', your hands are slippery and wet, from the unwanted stares piercing the back of your skull. They will remember their first crush - the feeling of wanting Kevin to like them back; the dude with the ' blond hair, piercing blue eyes ' that looked way too good as the sunlight hit them as he played love with the soccer ball.

They will remember their grad, the hype just to get the right color of dress, that extiunates their body and doesn't make them look too ' stocky or butch or thick ', the right stream line that flarred out their waist so when they walked they look tiny from above, and as eyes made their way to the bottom it would be too daring, and tempting to pass up. The right fabric ' silk ' or chaufeon ' or 'nylon' the right rings and necklaces just to make them feel and look ' that way ' only they knew how they should look and feel . The unexpected tears of perfection streaming down their bronzed cheek highlighed by number 251 from MAC, is smearing off, beacause ' he ' yes he decided without thinking not to show up and take you to your grad. All the anguish and hait lashing out, you hait males - and your having the need to cut off the magic part of the males body , just because ' he' never showed up.

Your begining your first day at college or university, maybe this is the year where all paradise will cease out. And finding the right romeo will be the answers to lifes distorted haunted questions leaching in the back of your mind. You see eyes, smiles, you see dimples, got the right style, he doesn't smell like cologone , know not the ' fcuk ' or ' calvin klein ' his boxers are not brand name just ' fruit of the loom ', he doesn't shave for weeks and just that look is good enough for you to make the big step , taken it to the next primo level ' let's start dating ' make it official.
His eyes are piercing, and theres a mystery that stares at you. You look away because beauty and love has got you strangled by the neck, it's taken hold of your heart. All the articles you read in teen magazine, and watching the chick-flick movies, and the three hour coffee with Suzan - all the vital information you have learned does not come into practise now. Because that dude that doesn't shave, that dude that smiles when you least expect it, the dude that has dimples, and the dude that doesn't have a scent, the ' guy' with the eyes - you simply are in love with him, and you know it's true because it's being sent from God. How do you get over him -skip the days, the weeks, the month, the year, it's going to take ' years '. And then one day out of five years of loving him simply because he spills coffee on his shirt, because he drags his right foot when he walks, because he does this twitching thing with his mouth, when he bends over you can see his undies- has simply driven you up the wall , that you have taken it to the next level ' let's make babies '. Then in one simple day you wake up to loving him, and that's the day when God has decided that the love must stop..

You start your career, you start working, new job, meeting new people. And your telling sell, move on.
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I'm going to finish this tomorrow morning, InshAllah. I just lost focus.

Olayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! Must see ya hear :P

Do ya self a favour and watch it before school starts it deals with ' following your faith ' like your gut feeling, the only time I followed my instinicts was ways back well not so long ago, it wasn't what I wanted but what made me feel good was that ' I followed my feelings ' and I saw the truth, the honest truth. And it pains a little but it helps you to shut one door, and re-open another one. Mama says when ' one door closes be reminded theres a another door yet to be open that is more brighter for the future". So if I got something to say or do, I just do it, I don't think of the aftermath* because in alisha's head everything is grey matter- we don't see black and white- we don't see the pros and cons, we feel something, we want something we go for it- I'm more of the person to jump off the cliff without looking beneath me to see if theres any water '' .

ya I'm just that kinda gal....

:(
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So it's a Friday night, and I live in a city called Edmonton a.k.a ' Deadmonton ' :). I have over used my reading ability, and talking about everything that ruzzles with my mind and heart with my dear mother. I have gone on walks * two* times for today. I helped Naseeba out with her classes, and ensuring her sucess for this year*. I went groccery shopping with my dad. I have cleaned my room, got my back pack into gear, with some left over school supplies. I'm thinking of renting movies but that too brings a sad thought to my frame. I finished my applications this morning * 3 am * to be exact, just need to submitt it. I called in work - for my shifts. My family sits behind me eating chicken sandwhiches and looking through val-mart flyer for ' back to school deals ' . I have called my two good friends and they are busy one is working, one is buying timbits at Timz for their Halqua* good- bye summer party. I was thinking of going to halqua this evening, but just lazy ..Alisha never feels lazy. I need to shower- and I feel like taken a nap.
I feel stupid for saying certain things at the wrong time. I'm scared of not having anyone to call them ' my own '. Theres this song by Leanne Wommack* I'm listening to right now and she sings ' I do not want to look back on my youth regretful' - why do I feel that " regretful" I have accomplished all that I want......

I feel so senseless and lost - I've being wandering in circles bumping into the same thing without knowing I have bumped in to it from before. Why don't all of you come knocking on my door and suprise me ?

mom : " Don't cross my path girl "


ouch ! my mom is coming down hard on me, laying down the rules, and I love it, put some fear into me, and I will think twice of the stupid things I do :)

g'day that is all. Jummah awaits , last Jummah 2006 summer, I wonder how it will end ?

In other news I need to go back to school shopping for school supplies and hush pupayyy boots.
We have this haika * to go too this Sunday, my moms best freinds sons baby ( woah too long ) head shaving celebration, along with greasy dudes in International blact suits, with their oily green plate of left over curry slipping out of their hand, because, just because they can't keep their eyes down. Guyanese peeps are going to be there the usual, and figian* mmmm?? nice mix ya. It's going to be at a hall, with that said children are going to be running around with their heads off, murdering eachother for that ' special ballon '' ladies faces are going to be painted white with pink lipstick ( women your skin is brown, color co-ordination ??) with clothes on that are way too tight, or that doesn't fit right.. I shouldn't judge but I get bored, and I think about this stuff in my head, while their busting down conversations and child hood days. I rather chill with the uncles. more mmmm ' lifelsish lessons' to learn from em. I'm ignroing the M question.
I have a cousin, grandfather nephew ..blahh k naseeba is done ...

peace out hunz