Summer is finishing and we are entering into autumn the mix between warm and cold- maybe I will be at more ease ' neutral ' , a balance ? Last year at this time what were my thoughts? The same as now a little bit more accepting and not so naive. I was confused as know hell as to what that year would bring, I prayed for guidance from Allah ( swt) and as I look back I made it through, this year was good , AlamdiouAllah. I learned alot about myself just from interacting and meeting new people, and drawing closer ties with other souls.

It feels as if someone as died. Mourning something that I know will soon happen - ' it will happen ' just a matter of days, weeks, months, years. I'm trying to accept that the youthful hearts and minds I have met , will soon be faded but never forgotten, I'm so privileged to have even met their hearts, and their thoughts of beauty , flawed life imprinted in the palm of their hands. They will go on in life marry, have children, work in this life, share moments of happiness, sadness, walk everyday hoping to get somwhere better, we always strive for the high anarchy of goodness and rightenous in our life's, so selfishly wanting to attain it. They will stop and fall to their kness and remember when days were truly a blessing , they will regain that familiar taste of pink bubble gum chewing, snapping in their mouths. The sugar that dripped from all ten fingers looking helplessly for a tissue or for someone to wipe away the sweetness from their fingers. The charred bruises from falling off their bike with Joey (the guy that lived nextdoor) , they will remember that feeling of wanting the ground to swallow them up from beneath and taken them to never land after sitting in on their first day of school, that feeling of their stomach, the dry taste of cereal in their mouth, and the new smell of the HB yellow pencil that sits in the cylinder place on their desk , calling their name in whispers ' begin with me , I'm the key to your future ', your hands are slippery and wet, from the unwanted stares piercing the back of your skull. They will remember their first crush - the feeling of wanting Kevin to like them back; the dude with the ' blond hair, piercing blue eyes ' that looked way too good as the sunlight hit them as he played love with the soccer ball.

They will remember their grad, the hype just to get the right color of dress, that extiunates their body and doesn't make them look too ' stocky or butch or thick ', the right stream line that flarred out their waist so when they walked they look tiny from above, and as eyes made their way to the bottom it would be too daring, and tempting to pass up. The right fabric ' silk ' or chaufeon ' or 'nylon' the right rings and necklaces just to make them feel and look ' that way ' only they knew how they should look and feel . The unexpected tears of perfection streaming down their bronzed cheek highlighed by number 251 from MAC, is smearing off, beacause ' he ' yes he decided without thinking not to show up and take you to your grad. All the anguish and hait lashing out, you hait males - and your having the need to cut off the magic part of the males body , just because ' he' never showed up.

Your begining your first day at college or university, maybe this is the year where all paradise will cease out. And finding the right romeo will be the answers to lifes distorted haunted questions leaching in the back of your mind. You see eyes, smiles, you see dimples, got the right style, he doesn't smell like cologone , know not the ' fcuk ' or ' calvin klein ' his boxers are not brand name just ' fruit of the loom ', he doesn't shave for weeks and just that look is good enough for you to make the big step , taken it to the next primo level ' let's start dating ' make it official.
His eyes are piercing, and theres a mystery that stares at you. You look away because beauty and love has got you strangled by the neck, it's taken hold of your heart. All the articles you read in teen magazine, and watching the chick-flick movies, and the three hour coffee with Suzan - all the vital information you have learned does not come into practise now. Because that dude that doesn't shave, that dude that smiles when you least expect it, the dude that has dimples, and the dude that doesn't have a scent, the ' guy' with the eyes - you simply are in love with him, and you know it's true because it's being sent from God. How do you get over him -skip the days, the weeks, the month, the year, it's going to take ' years '. And then one day out of five years of loving him simply because he spills coffee on his shirt, because he drags his right foot when he walks, because he does this twitching thing with his mouth, when he bends over you can see his undies- has simply driven you up the wall , that you have taken it to the next level ' let's make babies '. Then in one simple day you wake up to loving him, and that's the day when God has decided that the love must stop..

You start your career, you start working, new job, meeting new people. And your telling sell, move on.
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I'm going to finish this tomorrow morning, InshAllah. I just lost focus.