i went to the very top tonight. i saw stairs that kept going up and up and never stopping.i was on level three, something told me to stay still turn your heels back. i glanced up to the next flight of stairs it was dark.... i told myself i have never get this much excitment by myself it's a cold winter sunday evening and know one is in sight. i climbed and climbed, smiled more and more. got to a window overlooking the saskatchewan drive. it was loving and mysterious, i felt the butterfly effect.
it felt good- i echoed and pretenede to sing the oprah.

sometimes lonliness can be beautiful. never say that your alone. there's emotions to walk with.

sat and ate dinner bymyself tonight- mom made "tomatoe stew". was thinking i really don't want to live alone. sad thought entered into my mind you know when lonliness creeps around you in the middle of the week or at the end or anytime, and you say to yourself "ahhh!" yeh? well life will really suck when your love ones go and your all by yourself in this life- eternal lonliness. i shiver just typing that. i don't want to be alone, no one wants to be alone. mmmmm....

this song plays in my ears makes me think of victoria on the ferry.i think when i have my friends over again im going to play this as "dinner music" :).

christmas songs played on the radio today, felt cozy and cute. just me and papa riding the cruiser tonight. me and dad don't talk much just one word or eye contact does it, or a simple squint of laughter hidden in my cheeks to him- never motioning my head to him- i keep my eyes fixed on the road. dad said "when last have you sat down and looked at me in the eye?" took the breath out of me. maybe that's why i feel so glum-i need to touch my family once in a while instead of getting caught in the factory.

i'm not open- i thought i was open. i'm about other things give me a topic and i'll state all the facts. give me "me" and i can't even say anything about anything of me. people have pasts i do too, not so much of a "past" though. i thought about it lastnight "how can i want to love" when i can't begin to share myself. they say first impressions are what does it, that's not true at all, then you're judging that person for the first time on what they present to you. to understand a soul you need to.. you need to understand the sad,happy, anger, their calmness. you need to cycle through with them, you need to fall, bend up, stand up with em. you need to be their shoulder.. you can't love for what meets the eye, you need to get on the horse and gallop into them.. and never let go. if you truly love someone you fight for it, you have so much energy that you fight for it. you tell yourself " i'm going to be with you" and that's it- you fight it and get it. in most cases sometimes it's not easy to get, but hey which love story didn't rain it's tears? eternal love is
happy days mixed with sad days" the strengt to love. that's what powers us. love for everything doesn't have to be initmate. love for everything. damn!

i remember being in kung-fu i was at blue belt intermediate level. i was going for my brown belt test. once i got my brown belt it was two more till black. i had to do round-house kick I HAITED that kick. i had to break the board while running..no wait sprinting across the room and flinging my leg into some "acrobatic"* move in the air turn and "powWOW!" kick the board in half. i failed my blue belt (3) times... because i couldn't kick the board. mom told me to drop out " it's too much money" kung-fu isn't going to get you into college, " it a hassle" blhahaha. i wanted to get my brown belt i was mad at myself , i wanted it more than anything. emotionally wanting my brown belt to achieve something. i physically sweated,bled, bruised for that fricker.
i practised, and practised- i bought fake boards from the catolgue* to get better, nasseba helped hold the board which lead to her getting kicked in the nose(by ACCIDENT) and her screaming- and me getting into TROUBLE!

it was december- i was going for it again the fourth time. bob marley was playing in the van "buffalo solider" download the lyrics and you'll know why it got me going :P.
i told dad " i'm going to get it tonight" dad looked at me, and smiled. it was game time baby! the sweat the nerves the smokey smell that waved into the room from the bar next door was making home around me. geared up with my groin guard(yes girls need to wear it too:).chest guard, shin guard, stinky mouth guard, head gear, gloves, foot gear, and it was "sparring time" i like that part it's easy to whopp ass!. then game "form time" i had mastered the art of "screaming from my gut" like a man that went smoothly:P. I was nevervous, it was the real machoy, my feet stained the carpet with sweat, my face was red, my throat was dry, i wanted it.. give it to me dirty chipped with broken pieces, bruises can be healed.

I took my position- the lyrics to buffalo solider played in my head, said BismAllah ( I said it out aloud) sprinted hard, flew up in the air, turned around, stretched out my leg, and flipping kicked the son of a bitch in half. it felt so good.. damn good like i just fought a battle. i felt very manish :P. i broke it. dad came, asked with gleam and fear "did you pass" told him yes, didn't want to cry for happiness, can't cry infront of dad. he patted me on the shoulder, i know i made him feel good.

i marked the date and time i broke the board.. i still have it.

i wrote this entry because these are the fragments that played in my mind today, and it doesn't make sense... it's not supposed too. just had to type it down for safe being.

assignments await :)