she makes me smile..
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i miss them, all of them. it's so hard to turn a blind eye and keep on walking, to end a conversation so quick when you know from before you could have asked the person out to coffee and chance out for a nice day out in wonderland.

i saw a girl dance this evening, she had passion,energy in her...i used to have that and i miss it. i hait the word "isolation", "punishment". i feel like i'm punishing myself.

i miss so much from everyone later do you flipping realize what was truly good and beautiful. i'm reminded more and more of the simple tokens i took from people without notice, how one soul can say so much to you they reveal the streets that have being forgotten and you listen and take all of it in and your words can not amount to anything to tell them how "blessed" you are to hear their stories, and tales. you keep so much bottled inside that it's cracking and soon enough darling the glass will crack and make you bleed, is that what you want "to bleed".

i dreamt lastnight my dad died, it was as real as it can get i felt scared, my throat was dry. i remember telling my mom in the dream "life..is going to be so much different now" i couldn't accept i refused. i woke up to the sound of my cell.. back into reality. that feeling lingered, i brushed my teeth and i realized more and more "one day dad's not going to be here" this feeling will come sooner or later just a matter of time- everything in this life is just a matter of time, time..tick tock. tick tock. get on the lifeboat!

i feel very lost. yes lost. confused. cold. distant. furthering my self more and more, adding the distances instead of the closeness. i find that i'm always alone. i'm not that willing anymore.i caught a reflection of myself on the train- and i looked again, and i smiled knowing her it was like another person in me created all flrom scratch looking at a face i used to know.

i miss so much, kind of regretting. kind of hapyy i did it.

it's like everytime i think about it, my head is shoved back down.

i have makeup on my face and i'm lazy to move from my warm chair.

i miss..so much.

mmmmm.. grumple.. :(