I was thinking today, well I guess yesteryday, Allah controls everything, like everything your thoughts your emotions, your doings , everything. the experiences that are put forth to us which are good or bad. if there bad, and let's say the experience your going through really puts you upsided down, and you feel yourself slipping away, and you seem to loose control and it seems the only way your walking or interacting with others is Allah is guiding you, pushing you through it. and you tell yourself well if i had done things a little different if i had walked the other path , if i had made the call if i had smiled whatever the case may be, Allah intended you to go throuhg it, to feel hurt and anguish. because bad or good experinces strengthen your character, they add intuition* to your goals, your mind and heart. i learned not to scoff at my experiences or think bitter of them now, or thinking if i had would of or could of changed something. i would. i tell myself well i put myself at ease, that Allah intended it for a purpose and there will be beauty and smiles at the end of the road.... the sun will always shine again. so i honor * my experiences, pain, sadness tears, laughter , smiles, joys. i honor it. because Allah meant it for me to go through it. i stop telling myself that i bring it on to myself, i create emotions and images in my mind and get myself into a drainy mood, but now i'm kinda happy i did, in a way Allah tested me and i tested myself.

i told a freind once, life is not just a test, one single test, it's a full of testS. and if you can get over the hurdles, even though you may dragg the hurdle down with you, atleast you attempted to get over it..... and if you fell and got up , brushed yourself of it shows alot about you. i tell myself alot of things can face me now. the blood that pumps through my veins moves faster, my heart beats rapid, but with a constant rhythm, my mind thinks of dreams, i know which dreams to think about constantly now, i've narrowed them down.

i had a draw full of memories, old things from when i was little, birthday cards, my recorder, my handbell gloves, my certificate from elementary, my school partrol certificate, some of my valentine cards from kindergarten, pencils i got for doing good on tests, all my report cards, all of this from elementary, i still got some stuff from grade eight, at about grade nine i stopped collecting things that i achieved or of a nice memory too it, i wish i had ordered a highschool yearbook.... i can't rememeber the quote i put under my grad photo, i wish i could look back at it when i'm a old lady, too see how far i've gone in life.... i do remember though why i picked that quote..and the things that were occuring in me. a silent smile, a silent joy, a silent cry, silent laughter. a silent prayer .

i cleaned out the draw... sitting on my bedroom floor is a pile of memories, i threw em out, i've got them in my mind , and when i want to think about them again, or the moment i just got to file about in my mind, all the experiences that came with them. and the experiences that are yet to come.

............:)