i wake up every morning at 5:30am.
when noon comes around i can hardly have a decent conversation without zoning out.
my eyes are half closed but i'm still searching.
sometimes i feel that i'm loosing in this game.
just a glimmer of faith and hope "could it be?"
i could be writing a mid-term and half of my mind is on the exam and the other half lost and trapped in another world.
i physically pointed to my head and told my friend this is how my mind is right now.
the right side is with school/extra things/ the middle is my emotions my vague sense of how lost i feel, the left is family,friends.
nothing comes by my path as a shock or a suprise anymore.
i have lost that touch.
i wish i could have times of lastyear- i was real then it was me.
i feel like i'm on stage.
sometimes i feel like f'en it.
sometimes i want to shout out and throw my books around and tell the world i don't give a hoot anymore about anyone.
bring me to a lonely castle and let me be..atleast i wouldn't be looked down upon.
theirs this quote that mark twain says those that make you feel great are special people and those that make you feel small are not worth it- those are not the exact words but still..

i don't crave, i don't run, i've lost that one thing that made me beat.

friendships have being lost and broken- words said from before are nothing but bare dust blown back into the wind- lost forever my friend.

so much has occured that i don't know where to look or how to care and to feel.

that person that you need the most is not there.
so many times i want to break down and just for those arms to hold you would be nice.
then again i'm cluttered with emotions up to my neck that i don't care to cry i'm sick of feeling like this, i'm sick of giving... i'm sick of showing me.. this is bloody flipping "me".


i'm so tired, that i don't care to "care", i'm so tired of it all- i'm fed up.

sometimes i feel like i'm under water and someone is holding onto my feet dragging me down under- my heart beats to fast- and it feels like i'm slowly shutting down.

reality is altering.