Surrendering

I have found myself....

2009-11-03T22:55:00.000-08:00

so lately I have being feeling this urge to write again on this blog...... How do I begin? And Where? And with what? So much has happened and I feel that inner that "Alisha"..... I haven't being there for sometime and I owe it to that place to pay a visit.....

Another chapter has begun in my life.... I whole new chapter. I got married to Hatim Asrary on August. 8, 2008 how we met I shall leave to another time to share.. We celebrated our one year anniversary on August.8th, 2009 and we had our wedding reception on my mother and father's wedding anniversary which was Saturday July. 25th, 2009 (on that day they celebrated their 25th year anniversary). What a celebration it was with friends, family and love, and to new beginnings and dreams.

I visited Casablanca, Morocco this past September 2009 spending one month and five days there.. I never would have dreamt or imagine that I would visit Morocco.... As I walked in Morocco saw the people, felt the waves of the Atlantic splash onto my feet watching my toes crinkle from the cold of the water, finally feeling the heat from the sun beating on my back and watching the sun set...... I smiled to myself and remember once typing such a post on this blog... two years ago to be exact and words or emotions can not unleash from me to express what I was feeling in that one month and five days I was in Morocco. My fairytale did play out right before my eyes.

Visiting Morocco enabled me to reflect on alot of things in my personal life before I met Hatim and after..... I would think to myself as we rolled through the valleys and mountains of Markesh....... my life was rolling.. and those times I use to feel confusion, desperation, fear, hope, and faith for dreams I wanted to play out in front of my eyes so badly but just wouldn't and I would ask myself in my sleep and in my days as I walked from to and there "just why?" why can't this roll out to be the way I want it to be... but all praises and thanks goes to Allah (SWT) for guiding and knowing what's best for you and guiding you to your destiny and enabling you to learn and reflect from those experiences..... and as I was in Morocco a smile crept onto my face as I thought these past moments.... and I was happy I was once finally in a place where I belonged.. because he simply said to me one summer eve "you deserve to be loved".

2008-12-25T20:17:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting in a room- with my husband's friends and family- It's christmas day- everyone is off. The candles are buring, the room is filled with laughter and smiles- my parents are here sharing their stories- I'm typing infront of the fire- My husband holds my hand.

Hatim is almost done reading all of my posts - since I started my blog. That's my gift to him.

2008-11-02T18:49:00.000-08:00

To wake up every day with the feeling to choose what you want to do in that day and when you're going to do it- is freedom... your freedom. No man can take that away from another man. Even a prisoner has freedom- the right to look at whom he wants to look at- the right to think the thoughts that he/she wants to think. We're free if we make ourselves free and sometimes that is hard to do.

2008-09-20T20:38:00.000-07:00

BABY ELEPHANT! whooowow

2008-08-28T16:23:00.001-07:00

On Friday August.8th, 2008- I married Hatim Asrary.

Pictures to come-

2008-08-04T15:31:00.000-07:00

This is bliss.......

My sister had her wedding last week Friday August.1st/o8 (pictures to follow) which was amazingly beautiful (a backyard garden wedding) lights streamed every where, flowers at every glance/ rose petals flooding the floor, the beating of the drums, my sisters husbands friends singing the "traditional wedding song from morocco" as they're bringing him to my sister- simply was breath taking.

words can not express- pictures soon to come.:)

2008-07-20T19:24:00.000-07:00

July.18th, 2008 I closed one door and opened another.

2008-07-06T21:11:00.000-07:00

i went to banff this weekend.... i sat on a rock for three hours.

I have learned so much of myself and others. Being by your self is so comforting.

I keep searching to fill that void- I have searched and searched and I have found what I need to fulfill that emptiness within me- It's called coming to terms with your self.

I'm going to sleep.

2008-07-01T18:59:00.000-07:00

i miss so much of everything.

I feel this ache inside of me....

I'm sitting on my swing outside on my patio- and so many found memories are flooding back.

Today for some while....I truly missed you. You fulfilled so much within me. And for that you will always be my friend.

I pray we can cross paths again.

2008-06-27T23:48:00.000-07:00

i'm listening to a nasheed that brings back so many memories.. three years ago I never knew the word of "nasheeds" and the other realms that are associated with it.

I don't know the name of the song but I feel it. I don't understand arabic....well for now. iA I plan to go to Egypt live there for three years in a far away village- eat bread that was toasted over an "actul fire and wood"- to feel the true relishing heat on the sides of my face- for wrinkles to form on my hands (they say if you want to know a man's worth look at his hands the wrinkles will tell a journey) I want my toes to go white from the exposure of the sands from the dessert, I want my lips to chap...I want that fire/rose/wood smell to be my fragrance everyday- I want my sandals to leave in prints on my feet- I want to play with children- I want to ride a horse but I want it to go fast- I want the wind and the crickets to be my music- I want to hear the atthan (s.p)

I was in second cup today on whyte - and looking out of the windows everyone is walking so fast.... but to where? - Life...Life...Life is so precious.

i'm going to sleep.

according to my friend: "my head feels like a cotton ball".

2008-06-09T20:44:00.001-07:00

my dad's older brother died Friday evening (may Allah SWT) give him a resting place in his grave and protoect him from the punishments of the grave- Ameen. He had a brain tumour... he died from "anominia" the Doctor's never drained him properly and so he chocked for breath...and died... ..his name is Uncle Raymond.. Today Uncle Raymond went down.. he was burried in Guyana.. close to his village in Victoria I believe.....My dad never got to say good bye... I think the last time that my dad heard his voice was a year ago.....When I heard I was in Second Cup.. everything went silent.....I couldn't cry..... I'm typing all of these emotions.. because life is so precious and I'm reminding myself by typing these words...You know when you hug someone and you feel that this will be your last time that you see them- well that was true.. my Uncle Raymond was sitting on our deck.. and I went out.... he looks so much like my grandpa... I felt some sadness and happiness.....knowing this was the last time I would see him... The soul doesn't last forever......I'm crying as I type these words.. wow I haven't cried for long time.. that's a worthy cause......

I pray that he's resting and he's at ease...

Death and love- You know when you so desparetly want to share your emotions with someone.. or just to stand or sit silently with... thats how I feel...

The people that you missed are the ones that you truly love.

love,

alisha

2008-06-02T19:55:00.000-07:00

I would like to be sitting on a beach reading a "Danielle Steel" novel- as the sun is going down - and the heat is still beating off the back of my shoulders- and my hair smelling of fresh lavendar shampoo bathing my surrounding- and all that I hear is the ocean.

I just want to leave.

2008-05-25T18:25:00.000-07:00

i just want to slip away....unnoticed.

2008-05-25T12:24:00.000-07:00

I haven't changed.... my priorities just have.

driving around uni campus lastnight- the air fresh and crisp sipping on earl grey tea- and listening to "only time" by enya.. simply me!

2008-05-13T18:01:00.000-07:00

sometimes i wish that certain person could read your thoughts and act upon it.

if you only knew.

2008-05-04T09:26:00.000-07:00

In my bed typing on this thing- and most of all listening to "My Girl" by Temptations. I went to whyte lastnight and decided to pop into mega tunes (cheap place to buy CDs) and I bought 'Mo Town' and "Temptations" if there is still any true classy music out there today it's gottta be oldies... songs by "Diana Ross" the "Jackson's" and "Temptations".

It's sunny today and just listening to this song reminds me so much of my child hood- my mom would have oldies on all the time when I came in from school and she would always be cooking something on the stove- I remember our "ghetto radio box" whenever a good part of a song would come on it would get static and she would hit and shuffle it around (I have this image always in my mind among the other images and smells that float in this head of mine)

...............what do I want alisha.

2008-04-27T09:05:00.000-07:00

I talk alot to myself when driving- good venting session!

2008-04-25T07:43:00.000-07:00

I need to go on a vacation.

2008-04-16T21:48:00.000-07:00

if you don't believe in youself.....who else will. That ranged through my head alot today. I look back to three years ago- What I have fought, craved for is now in my hands- AlamdiouAllah. Life is about making the most of it- so I'm- I want to wake up every morning knowing I'm helping to make a change. I don't want to be a stepping stone- I don't want to be a rock- I want to be the mountain.

And so I look at my life- why wait... they say not to mess with a good thing... well I say mess with a good thing. you never know when your last breath will be drawn from you.

i dream about you. your looking at me smiling. I'm looking down. And you keep saying to me "please talk to me" . I dreamt you ran your hands through my hair. I'm starting to loose the sight of your face in my mind.

_______________________

Readers: please do not assume or pass judgment as to " what you think" i may be writing about. there is so much hidden in each word.

2008-04-16T07:39:00.000-07:00

I've been knocking on the door for so long- and it finally opened.

you gotta touch the waters.

AlamdiouAllah.

2008-04-11T15:16:00.001-07:00

....I'm ready for this.

2008-04-06T10:15:00.000-07:00

the most true, real person I have ever known is moving on......she's beautiful. I admired her because she is pursuing her dreams.

to the future

2008-04-02T11:26:00.000-07:00

so cold.

2008-03-24T11:51:00.000-07:00

It's being so long.... nahem-- moving on :)

2008-03-23T10:25:00.000-07:00

Hard work pays off.

All praise be to Allah (swt.)

2008-03-21T08:20:00.000-07:00

i feel goood!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-03-14T15:28:00.000-07:00

Life is life...The people that you meet that have a impact on you and leave so quickly are truly sent from Allah (swt)

2008-03-07T12:44:00.000-08:00

what do I write here... something. We need to move.

2008-03-04T15:25:00.000-08:00

saying goodbye is hard but in the end it's truly the best thing to do..... but to move on.

you'll smile.

2008-03-02T16:02:00.000-08:00

life is beautiful.

sad to say but the less people in your life the more peaceful- be courteous to all but intimate with few-as George Washington once said.

I'm not scared to speak anymore. The people in my life before that are not presently here with me today says alot. We feel we experience we cry, we laugh, we talk- in the end it's life. We meet people for a meer second a long time- but in the end we all go our separeate ways- we take from each and mould a foundation firmer for ourselves to stand on.

I can say I screwed alot of things up and I said things at moments when now I look back and I wish those words.... those feelings..... that heatness.... that coldness never unleashed from my body.

will continue later.

2008-02-28T14:17:00.000-08:00

2008-02-26T06:27:00.000-08:00

they're no surprises anymore.

the butterfly has grown wings and......has left a long time ago.

2008-02-23T14:04:00.000-08:00

good movies to watch:

Bordertown with Jennifer Lopez

and the "Hunting Party" just watch em. I promise you'll enjoy em.

2008-02-06T20:03:00.000-08:00

dad says if you love someone you tell them.

2008-02-03T19:42:00.001-08:00

listening to "me love" by Sean Kingston- there is something to his music that reminds me of the west indies * (s/p)....

mom's bday is next weekend her brother is coming in from t.o- (suprise) shall be eventful.

the first month of the new year is done- wow.. I haven't really typed on this thing for a while- Guess was just settled enough with my daily thoughts whispering to me.

it's like i'm in a shell- I haven't seen or talked to so many people for a long time- kinda creeping on me now. AlamdiouAllah though- got some quiet/relaxing quality time to *breathe*- we need that.

I see so many new born babies in the hospital everyday- it's such a blessing- brings some warmth in me. I was cleaning my closet the other day and hanging in perfect condition was my first dress- it's soft yellow with a little yellow sweather- it's about half the size of my arm- I took the dress and placed it on my chest- wow 21 years after and it's me- kinda took me by suprise- I'm 21- here is my first yellow dress.

I bought a eliptical(s.p) wow does it work wonders- there is no execuse now not to work out :)

my mom is getting her hair died this weekend at 10 in the morning- she asked me a week in advance to go with her to the hair appointment to tell the gals the right colors to use in her hair- i wrote it down for mama- but she keeps on insisting that i come- that she doesn't know the exact words to tell them- it made me kinda smile- when i was a baby my mom just did things for me- it was her second nature- and now that i'm older- i just have to pick up that trait- even if it's the most craziest things that your parents ask for from you- just do it :)

o yeh- one good movie to watch is "27 dresses" (chick flick movie) my dad even came and enjoyed the movie- honestly when watching that movie I saw myself and my best friend- such a fairytale thing to view- and then you have to realize that this is "life" and romantic/fairies just don't happen so random!

We might be going back this year to Victoria- honestly that place breathes beauty- the ocean, the air, the surrounding, the fairies, the harbour, the tea place (such good memories from that time).

otay off to bed....this entry probably has plenty of grammatical errors- but mmm me don't care :)

2008-01-31T06:48:00.000-08:00

tired.

2008-01-26T22:02:00.000-08:00

i can't breathe until your here resting here with me. oh i am what i am. i will do what i want. but... i can't hide. i won't go. i won't sleep. i just can't hide. and i won't leave-

Dido

2008-01-23T14:27:00.000-08:00

mmmmm...thinking...

2008-01-21T20:53:00.000-08:00

This past friday that went by my mom called me saying that she just saw a man kill himself. I asked how? She said he threw his cap down to the food court looked to her-smiled- and said goodbye. he did a summer sault from floor one of city centre all the way down to the food court. imagine that if you frequent city centre quite often. of course he died. I was walking this morning pass that same area the man jumped from- as I was walking I saw a Muslim man praying in the same spot- SubanAllah. Allah (swt) shows us so many signs in this life- no words could express what I was thinking- I just gasped for breath in awe.

there is so much pain and suffering i see in peoples eyes and i think to myself there is so much work that needs to be done.

this life is just a test. why suffer in agony for eternity. lets play right.

2008-01-13T09:44:00.000-08:00

my eyes feel achy just finished fighting a cold. got coffee by my side just finished eating a pancake ozzeled with maple syrup and omlets.

what am i going to do today: drag myself to the gym. you know what sucks when you have a gym pass you pay for it but you never use it.....

I'll muster up all my energy and write about T.O later.

g'day.

2008-01-03T20:43:00.000-08:00

my best friends are my family. and my sister naseeba shes great!!

2007-12-27T19:14:00.000-08:00

being here is bliss.......will continue later.

2007-12-24T00:01:00.000-08:00

......waiting .?

2007-12-21T14:38:00.000-08:00

You know what feels good? Knowing this is YOUR life now. I look back to three years ago- There have been so many experiences I have gone through that I'm so thankful for-AlamdiouAllah. I know where I'm heading.

AlamdiouAllah I haven't felt a pain of sadness for so long- I know sometimes in my blog it may seem that I feel sad or discontent but I'm not- truly. As funny as that sounds. I have grown so much- and I thank myself for being true to me and the love ones that surround me.

My friend asked me if I'm ready to have a child and without hesitation I said "yes" what makes me not ready and so ready in five years- my theory is:once you have health and strength what's holding you back? Yeh you need alot of money but once you have that passion, and strength- what is there to wait back for?

I leave for Toronto in three days- with my two best friends "my sister- Naseeba and Saher" for RIS. InshAllah. This trip and the conversations yet to come have being way over due.

I wish everyone Eid Mubarak and a happy new year. All the best to where ever life leads you.

love,

alisha

2007-12-16T09:51:00.000-08:00

leaving for Toronto in a week.

listening to Dido "Don't leave home"

watched note book on tv lastnight (didn't cry this time)

going shopping with mama.

happy= AlamdiouAllah.

and done finals!

2007-12-10T22:14:00.000-08:00

I feel paranoid more and more these days... do you ever have those moments when you say the most retarded things ever....and after you say it your thinking to yourself "Did I just actually say that"- OUT LOUD?!?!?!?

I'm going to wear rubberbands around my wrist so I can snap myself if I get myself some how tangled up in a nitty gritty conversation- that's what happened today just to stay out of gossip.. I just smiled and said "oh gotta go to the bathroom real bad!" the person just looked at me... with a puzzled look on their face- next time I'm going to say plain out straight "Don't want to hear it"-

Do you also find you can be so nice to someone... you can go over and beyond- and yet you don't receive any common decency or respect back from them- and you think your the one with the fingerprints on the weapon?

What happened to people smiling... patience... you hardly see someone smiling..these days- if you do see someone smiling you complement them.... back in the day it was the norm to smile... people worked so hard back in the day.. but yet they always had the energy to smile......

we've become so domain ed to our life.... what happened?

I just want to live by the ocean... in a nice beach house- with the tea kettle whistling on the stove.-

Sundays are my favorite because I take napps in mama's bed and that's when I feel secured and reassured.

g'night.....

2007-12-09T21:35:00.001-08:00

note to self:

THINK ALISHA BEFORE PRESSING THE "PUBLISH POST" BUTTON...i'm mortified right now of the things I wrote... and published to the public.....mneh according to my sister I have to make someone laugh....

I'm firm in not deleting posts that are dramatic and out of the norm.. because as I read them now in this present time it makes me realize that I have grown from that time... and that's what the soul needs to realize in their daily reflection.

I'm officially addicted to Dido listening to "Here with me" and Cold play.

________________________________

Mom and Papa crack me up: When I looked at them at the dinner table today as they were chatting/arguing on what time i was born and how much I weighed... and my father was trying to prove a point in stating that my mother's water never broke my mom snapped her fingers in the air (like no you didn't) she said "mister I think I know my body and can remember clearly if my water broke"- this rant when onto to my sister joining in- in which mom and nas were ganging up against dad... I was just smiling-

good times... and so now I go to bed.....

g'night.

2007-12-08T21:36:00.000-08:00

So I write tonight--- I don't know that having naseeba's laptop curled up in my bed with my lights dimmed in my room-listening to Enrique "Do you know"-makes the setting and my mood so right.. I guess so.

I haven't typed for so long- so many thoughts and events have occurred to me in this state of life. How do I begin? I feel more settling with myself..I know how every word and feeling is going to play out that lingers in this head of mine..I guess what I'm saying to myself is that I have accepted faith.

My cooking classes are coming together well...I'm teaching mama computers she's teaching me how to cook..tit for a hat.? right that's how it's quoted.

Today was eventful.... I've noticed that I can wake up thinking today is just a normal day but there's always a little hint of excitement there is always something to learn from.. a lesson to be learned... a person to meet.... a conclusion of my thoughts- AlamdiouAllah I love it.

I'm not making much sense with this blog..so therefore I will go and read thy book....

g'night.

2007-12-02T10:10:00.000-08:00

life is way too short and beautiful...for your thoughts, dreams to be contained within.

if you have to do something do it. what is there to loose? BUT there is something to gain.

i love where i am.

2007-11-28T17:28:00.001-08:00

lonley.

2007-11-20T13:52:00.000-08:00

where have we gone to?

2007-11-07T18:06:00.001-08:00

i miss you old friend.

2007-11-07T15:05:00.001-08:00

I'm cold .........

2007-11-07T08:44:00.000-08:00

People surprise me!

2007-11-04T12:26:00.000-08:00

I'm supposed to be writing a speech but I just don't have the "umpffff' in me today.

Soccer game tonight at 6 shall be eventful- our team is solid :) AlamdiouAllah.

I have little bits of things that need to be looked at and be done-but I must sit back and relax.

Life is way too sweet and beautiful for these crazy things.

g'day and g'night.

2007-11-03T19:02:00.000-07:00

I'm in Saher's room listening to east Indian music.....talking about T.O trip- oh sweet times!

and Naseeba is sleeping on her bed...

2007-10-29T12:48:00.000-07:00

So much has to be done.. where do I start.

I'm hungry.

2007-10-20T19:33:00.000-07:00

my love for you was born to be unconditional.

words can not simply express.

2007-10-19T11:23:00.000-07:00

I think I'm going to dye my hair brown tonight. I need a change.

2007-10-17T17:44:00.001-07:00

friend: " I don't know your.. chipper.... yeh your just chipper"

me: LOL :)....chipper eh like as in elvin the chip munk?

friend: *rolls eyes* this conversation just ended now!

-----------

I HAIT SCHOOL...HAIT ..HAIT....BLOODY HAIT...... BLODDY HAITTTTTTTTTT

2007-10-10T16:41:00.001-07:00

http://www2.tech.purdue.edu/cg/Courses/cgt411/covey/48_laws_of_power.htm

read

2007-10-10T10:30:00.000-07:00

Friend says to read the following books:

Art of Seduction

AND

48 Laws of power- all by Robert Green.

Made me laugh.

2007-10-05T10:46:00.000-07:00

My back is so tensed you can't even move it- mama couldn't even move it- So I'm booking a massage for myself at pergua* salon on whyte- Good Riddons.

I need to save to for winter vaco- So much stuff needs to get done. My room is a mess..uttter complete mess.

I need sleep. Going to sleep.

:(

2007-10-04T06:45:00.000-07:00

I saw my friend from jr.high on the bus this morning her name is Melissa she is from Argentina. It felt so refreshing talking with her- she's a amazing person.

I smiled this morning. AlamdiouAllah.

On the other note I really need sleep- I THINK WE ALL NEED SLEEP- This life takes the best out of yah- I was reading a sisters email in it she said "this life is a test" it truly is if you can sit for 1 minute and realize that this life is nothing-it's not eternal-it feels eternal it feels like this is it- the real thing- materialistic things consume our heart's now.

I feel the need to keep in touch with all of my friend's and since calling them doesn't work I've emailed them- The most random people I met over the summer for 5 minutes I've also emailed. Life is too short- Yah I know lot's of people say that but tis true.. tis true..

Okay I need to get some things done.

2007-10-01T15:01:00.000-07:00

My head hurts everything seems like a rush these days.

2007-09-30T19:48:00.000-07:00

When you're at Guyanese event- there is always comedy.

I slept all day today- I have an exam to study for that is this Wednesday and I haven't cracked thy books.

*sigh* living in the moment.

:)

2007-09-28T06:53:00.000-07:00

our time has not blessing in it anymore.

I lay in bed- and my days seem to go faster and faster and I never have the chance to truly think those thoughts that are caving in on me and which are having a huge effect to my life and the people surrounding me.

breathe. pause. realize.

2007-09-22T17:12:00.000-07:00

We asked our mom's aunt what her birthday wish was and she said the following:

"I pray not wish that when I die and leave this life I pray that people will pray for me"

....I was walking to the max this morning for coffee-everyone was sleeping and I didn't want to wake them up in the morning with the coffee machine grinding the beans, as I was walking the leaves were dropping, the air was fresh, I felt happy- and what my aunt said struck a cord within me that has not being stuck for a long time.

What dreams to come my friend, so many roads to be choosen and walked, dad says my life has just begun- theres not a stop sign in sight and I like that.

I think I'm going to watch "Sweet November" again that movie is too good- I always end up crying in the end.

We meet people in our life time has a test, a learning experience to gain in strength- It's all a learning experience. When adversity meets us meet it with a smile because in the end there is always a lesson to be taken from- and that's what makes the soul strong- When you are crying, or writing your heart out or doing whatever when in distress thinking life will never be the same again "I will never be the same again" and often and very often this "reoccuring question" lurks within us "How do I go on from here to live life" "Have I srewed myself over" all I can truly and firmly say to anyone "Time will heal" and trust me it does. All I can be right now , all I can be right now to people is be their "rock" I will offer that...

The dry pain that stoned my inside is gone. I'm new again-AlamdiouAllah.

2007-09-18T13:03:00.000-07:00

it's called life.

you live and you learn. you gain and you loose. you laugh, you cry. you love and you hait. you live and you die.

i need time away from Edmonton.

2007-09-11T11:14:00.000-07:00

i need to go running... my sides need to pain a little.

2007-09-08T22:40:00.000-07:00

my head hurts me!

and im lacking in sleep-very suprised i haven't got sick at all- for all the damnation stress.hustling to and from i have done to my body.

so many road trips. so many late nights. so many emotions going through me- it's not even a roller coaster but a line zipping straight - you know those lines on those heart monitors when a person dies and it just beeps..and beeps.. and beeps..and thus is continious into the after life- yeh that's how my mind and heart feels- that equals the equation of my emotions-it's a continious line on the road -

a hot tub is needed on my deck.. with candles and the air surrounding me - with the thoughts in my head whispering to me.

-I have become too bold with people-

k im going to sleep- before I talk of more jiber..jabbah...

let's meet in my dreams tonight- I hope I dream of you- Last time you were smiling-

apolgies my friend.

2007-09-07T22:28:00.000-07:00

I was going to type up this long emotional blog about summer and the experiences I had- But naeeemm some things must be kept within- acha?

I just came back from the movies- me and mama saw "Nanny Diarie" when I was reading the summary to my mom asking her if she would like to view it- She said that leading actress's life in the movie is very similar to myself- and thus was true while me and mama were watching the movie- Throughtout the whole thing my mom would be smiling grishly to her self or to me from the corner of her eyes- Honestly just dl it or read the synoposis- "Nanny Diaries".

A really good "MUST SEE" after Ramadan is "Redention" too much to type about and get into- But looks like an amazing movie just like "crash" and all those great "lifish/altering experience" movies that came out this year.

__________
Maybe I should talk about my trip to Toronto- Words cannot express how much fun it was and the beauty I experienced. I walked my cousins children (which are my second cousins) to a park within my uncle's hood- The sun was setting- kids were outside screaming and playing- calypso music was playing in the surroundings- West Indian people were jamming their talk- It felt like I was back in Guyana.

My ma's aunt's 60th SUPRISE B-day was a blast- all of my family were there- all of em- we chilled till 3 in the morning eating beef patties and take in from chinese halhal eateries- we talked, we laughed, we danced, we cried, we remembered.

I swam in lake ontario- the water was warm, and comforting to my skin.

I honestly.. Want to live in Toronto- It's the only place where I feel alive- and me- I was so loud and full of energy- cracking jokes- I noticed the small things I took for granted and I compared my personality to here in Edmonton around people and it's so grey and when I'm Toronto I'm bursting with colors- I felt that heat- I haven't felt that for a long time.

Khair InshAllah :)

2007-09-07T09:16:00.000-07:00

Oh golly macfolly

2007-08-27T11:31:00.000-07:00

where do I go from here.

All I feel is regret. I've lost my hold. I've lost the fairydust.

To love is to understand. Why can't people simply reasonably understand. Why do people have to be difficult. Why? Why?

Life is just life. But eternal life will be sweeter..Khair InshAllah.

All I can say is you learn from your mistakes. I realised my mistakes..but in fear of the consequences. All of the advise and wise tale stories that people have told me-I used to take heed to..and now I feel like I've rebelled and felt some happiness for 5 seconds but I'm realizing I'm going to be feeling regeret for another five years.

2007-08-17T22:28:00.000-07:00

I and family went to the fringe tonight- was quite eventful.

Tomorrow we are off to Banff- I love the sight of the mountains - such a mysterious feeling starts to lurk in me.

i'm reading the kite runner- i'm going to go to the park and just lay there as the sun plays with my face and mountains embracing me.

I don't know what more to type- I feel empty.

2007-08-11T11:00:00.000-07:00

best moments of summer 2007:

going out for "girls night out" with Ashraf/Saher/Madia/Naseeba/Hadika/Naseeba.

all of us attending the 2007 FIFAU20 games *olay, olay!!*

going to street perfomers at churchill and just soaking our feet in the fountain.

crusing with ms. ashraf

going to the un youth assembly conference (meeting people that i will never forget)
trying to b-girl with Ashraf behind the curtains.

The crew smoking shesha at Madiahs house

Dancing to "Whyne up" by Elephant Man.

Planning Habibags engagement.

Planning camp.

Swinging off the rope into the pool.

Shopping with ash/saher/ mado/hado/ habiba/ naseeba in WEST ED for clothes (my feet hurt after)

Working at the law firm for four weeks and meeting saher for lunch!

Volunteering at the ceyc table at h-days.

Taking to les about girl problems on the hill over looking h-fest.

Running at night time as the air is still warm with a mist of heat.

Celebrating dad's 60th b-day in our back yard with the crew and familo.

Hearing great news that I get to drive the van!

Watching Harry Potter with a friend :)

Most of all Allah giving me health and strength to live another summer again.

This doesn't make sense- their just memories that have bounced in and out of my mind as I continue to walk my journey- more to come InshaAllah.

:) life is beautiful...

2007-08-08T20:50:00.000-07:00

i can't be superwoman.

i need time for myself.

why is it hard for someone to understand you expecially when they say they love you.

blahhhhh

2007-08-07T21:01:00.001-07:00

the most insane, funk thing to do is: crank on some salsa music and just go at it in your room.
and your mom is peeking through the door smiling grimmly (is that even a wURd) :P

ladies and gentz ms.alisha is officially charred by the sun by good old h-days- standing in 1 hr lines for a fried piece of bread with some sugar sprinkled on top to gain another 50 pounds to zee hips is the end result.

i need to buy a white board for my room so i can write down events/meetings- my head is full. i need time for myself.

i just finished brushing my teeth and i just gulped down some rice crispies with cold milk- why do i do things backwards?

I have no time to get a outfit for my friends *suprise* engagement partayy i'm very shocked at the fact that we could keep our mouths shut.

so i'm going to mentally break down my time line till the end of august- here goes :)

Meeting tomorrow evening @ 8pm after work.
Decorating at friends house for friends engagement party
Friday- Engagement party
Saturday- Cariwest/ in the evening watching Transformers with Saher
Sunday- clean and ORGANIZE my room?!?!?

Next week plan full fledge for camp-
Ceyc meeting next week- Wed
Week of Aug 16th-26th (crazy camp stuff)
Fringe at whyte.

It doesnt sound alot but it does when you work everyday and tie other stuff into it- Things must be looked at and worked at.

September- school :( And there you have it summer is done.

............................I need that massage gift certificate.

I havent listened to music for a LONG time.

K im going to bed.. This post is so msn/language style.

g'night loves :)

2007-08-04T21:13:00.000-07:00

summer of 2007 has being crazy. crazy.

what future awaits for me.

I breathe again. And I know I'm ready- I just know I'm ready.

I dreamt you last night- and you said these exact words "I...I will teach you" and you smiled and I smiled- the sad part is you already thought me.

Love is unbearring. Love is unconditional. What emotions were in me that were kept for so long- stagnant came out today on August 4th, 2007 at 5:30 pm. The future always lays unsettling in all of us. I would like to amend. I would like to complete.

Is this one of Alishas crazy loverish posts....well read more to find out.

:)- Khair InshAllah.

2007-07-30T16:42:00.000-07:00

my body aches as my heart used to.

i'm tired. i'm drained. i feel done. i feel done. i feel ready- for what though?

i come home to hear some excitment- and my life is not exciting anymore. after a while you get to that stage in your life when you just simply do the walking and breathing and the jumping stops.

i look at her and that's how i used to be -full of energy- naive.

naive- i would give anything to feel that right now. i would give anything to feel the butterflies.

.....silenence has killed me.

i fee sad.

2007-07-13T23:55:00.001-07:00

Do you mend broken pieces?
Do you make up for lost time?
Do you try to find the other in the nother?

.....My conclusion- time makes you forget.

I'm simply done. AlamdiouAllah.

2007-06-17T18:44:00.001-07:00

only God can judg you.

2007-06-17T10:25:00.000-07:00

summer feels so damn good this year- AlamdiouAllah.

feels good just working and coming home to NO BOOKS!

I can finally live my life :)

2007-06-13T20:36:00.000-07:00

i promise to myself i will meet you again - one day.

2007-06-10T11:12:00.001-07:00

I wanted the sun to shine today but you always can't get what you want.

2007-06-06T10:35:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamt of San Pedro

Just like I'd never gone, I knew the song

A young girl with eyes like the desert

It all seems like yesterday, not far away

Tropical the island breeze All of nature wild and free

This is where I long to beLa isla bonitaAnd when the samba played

The sun would set so high Ring through my ears and sting my eyes Your Spanish lullaby

I fell in love with San PedroWarm wind carried on the sea, he called to meTe dijo te amoI prayed that the days would last they went so fast

I want to be where the sun warms the sky
When it's time for siesta you can watch them go byBeautiful faces, no cares in this world Where a girl loves a boy, and a boy loves a girlLast night I dreamt of San PedroIt all seems like yesterday, not far away
.

LA ISLA BONITA- Madonna (Download..Such a summer/hot romantic days)

:)

2007-06-05T09:39:00.001-07:00

once in a while you get that soul that walks by does or says something that makes you inspiried.

two more days left of spring classes :) -InshAllah.

2007-06-02T08:30:00.000-07:00

Everymorning me and my friend meet up at scotia place- and the amount of sunshine that comes through the place is beautiful. Has anyone walked through manulife in city centre on a weekend?- it's like I'm in a fairytale and characters are going to come out and jump around like a "Disney movie" I don't know that's me. It' s dark and quiet and know one is in sight- if you just want time for yourself or want to meet someone special that's the place to go- they have cute little black sofas all over the place and a nice view of Edmonton downtown streets.

I and my family went out to Whyte ave lastnight- we sat by the window in second cup drinking "straw-berry lemonade smoothies" of course with coffee on the side- my family NEEDS coffee. We just sat and stared as people walked past, a man was playing the saxaphone* beautiful songs. There was spanish music playing, they were all different kinds of people from all backgrounds just walking around, laughing, eating- I love summer.

I saw some nice restaurants where I really want to hit up- "Yannis" looks like a restaurant in the meditarian and the music fits- my kinda deal.

I really want a bike with a cute little basket in the front so I can ride around town. Have you seen thse ads for Vespa in the bus they are selling? (mini / Italian motor bike) there like what $800- *sigh* .

By the end of this summer I want to go see a play. I don't no what type of play or where but a play. I also want have a try at white water rafting- I asked mom again and she just said "Do as you please girl, it's not my life" I'm getting way too much freedom from my parents-and it feels good. (I sound like a nerdo right here).

I seem to not type in any order or sequence.

It's a beautiful weekend and I have to study for my final. When your coming to a end in a course you give it soo much- and that's what I'm doing.

Dad took me walking at the car places on whyte lastnight too. He told me what type of car to get- Domestic- and some other names I don't remember. Naseeba knows her cars she's betting her dollar on a light green mustang. Dad says to save and once I have enough moula then we can talk business.

I want to dye my hair chocolate brown- I have had "dark black hair" of course not my own- shop color since gr.12. My mom is going next weekend to get her hair died- and I'm thinking of it. Brown hair seems nice. Mmm?

Watch me luck out. K pancakes are done.

2007-06-01T03:06:00.001-07:00

Why am I up so early? My chest feels like thread holding a five ton elevator. I feel dizzy. I feel crazy. Life is all about facing and making choices- but which one their all so jist with sparkles.,

I give my mom and dad so much credit for when they made choices back in the day regarding their life, coming to a new land, new life- making decisions regarding me and my sister that would be good for the long run. It's always for the long run- what works best.
Me and my mom have become closer and closer we talk like sisters now, she said "alisha make a pro and con list" and I smiled knowing I came from the right mother and those pre-motions I had about me being swapped in the baby room by accident was "nothing at all" - I smiled. Dad says go for something that's good for the long run- my dad will be turning sixty this coming of July.13 InshAllah (dad has being places, seen things- and when I listen to him- I see the value and worth in things) so listen to parents which are telling me to "follow my heart" which I really want them to sit me down and tell me pin point what to do- but I'm a "big-woman" has my mom says and she said I will learn from the outcome of making my own choices- she says this is where you gain wisdom. Follow what my heart first told me.

I'm very hungry right now and contemplating walking around in "da hood". With the light cool morning breeze playing with my face let's dance in darkness while there is still twilight in the air?

I haven't talked to some people this year now-and since school is coming to a close my mind will play with my thoughts that have lay dormant for this year. One thing I have learned from friends is: "You can say all the nice words from the dictionary, be very polite, smile, share words of vitality, laughter- but it doesn't mean squat in the end". PEOPLE, I don't FORSAKE for anything anymore- I don't hold on anymore- it's really sad knowing I really don't care to digest something I know isn't real anymore. People change so much, I change. A friend is a stranger just passing by in the moment of it all- let's touch and taste. A friend well you don't call them friends you refer to them by their name because "name" represents them- Friend is just a coiled, braided- term used for when we were little.

I don't make sense.Well love, life is not supposed to... it will when your eyes close.

2007-05-30T08:07:00.000-07:00

2007-05-30T08:05:00.001-07:00

2007-05-28T20:10:00.000-07:00

I was walking to school this morning and this is what hit me in the longest time:

I could get married next year...If I wanted to
I could be pregnant in two years time ....If I wanted to
I could be living in a whole new part of the world....If I wanted to

I could give me. woah. I should stop delaying.

2007-05-24T20:09:00.000-07:00

two more weeks left of school.

dude i'm so tired......all of it.

let me rest.

2007-05-22T11:43:00.000-07:00

*scream*...scream... scream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-05-21T20:22:00.000-07:00

i popped my head into my moms room she was laying with the curtains dimed low just low enough for the sun to shine through, she had on her white cotton night gown with purple flowers sprinkled all over- she told me "come baby leelee lay next to me" my hair was open and she played with my curls. i rest my head on her chest smelling the lavendar she just put on her skin- her skin was warm- a warm feeling- a mother's touch is priceless. i listened to her heart beat- so strong and vibrant- she twisted my hair and said "remember when you were a baby and you used to smile so much- what happened to leelee?"- and i exhaled a breath- and replied "i still smile...". a tear rolled down.

i have grown and evolved into a young woman. i'am not a little girl anymore. i have learned to defend myself i have learned to make a life of my own. everyday i'am gaining in strength. i want to grow up to be like mom- graced with beauty and age. i want to hold my own praying that it feels that warmth i felt tonight.

before i leave for school in the mornings mom would say "come let me look at what your wearing" even though i'm twenty and she trusts i will wear modest clothes- i still allow her to scan me over and say her words "when did you buy that shirt or isn't that naseebas shirt" she says i'm lucky i came from her".

a mother's touch is priceless.

i pray i make her happy.

2007-05-21T14:59:00.000-07:00

The Painted Veil...

simply beautiful.

I rather die in love than live without love.

2007-05-18T21:05:00.000-07:00

whenever i'm walking around town i come up with so many things to write on this blog of mine- but nothing is conveyed better than over coffee with a friend..yeh? yeh.

how do i alisha najma shah begin to type what i would like to type. i feel that bits and parts of me are scattered every where.

breathe. pause. think. walk.

i have learned from my experiences and i will continue to master the art learning from my experiences.

my friend says i need a relationship i responded by saying "I'm Muslim :)"- but really c'mon fellow brothas and sistas we all have ties to someone of the opposite gender in terms of calling when we are faced with a hard day or just want to hear their voice how their doing- to laugh and smicker about things - we all have that significant other in the capacity of more than a brother or sister- but with the possibility of a strong, healthy relationship growing and going somewhere- but i have noticed with my friends that are in situations such as the above i explained of- when they truly, deeply love someone with all of their mind, body and soul- it never gets to stage "c" to the walking down the aisles and saying "i do"- all the count less phone calls, text messages that ran up your phone bill from $70 to $150 just because you talked to much to "Mohammad" or "Nadia" that following night with a final the next day in stats or English- but it was worth staying up for "THIS" -is nothing in the end.-

in the end that person is ruined "damaged" has formed a scarred image of "males" or "females" when casual talk does arise among their friends "so chapp when you getting hitched" or "baby-girl when you getting yah bling ca ching" that person usually says something along the lines of "guys.....are jerks- i'm done with em" or "girls.. their just too dramatic for me.. they have issues".

you know in the Quran it says " try to minimize your conversations with the opposite gender of yourself" (something along those lines) well Allah (swt) said that for a reason- so we wouldn't get damaged or hurt from "fake and bake halafied relationships- ... now think about it love, real hard- your either between the ages of 18-26 and your "?" on how and where do i begin to find a good brother or sister without getting hurt this time- what are the do's and don'tS- how do we not get hurt this time around- we usually think to ourselves "she is nothing compared to Nadia...and our love grows and deepens more within out hearts for our true first love ones- and you think to yourself- i screwed myself over BIG TIME- will i ever fall in love?

do i make sense..no because i have too many flipping grammatical errors..just make some sense out of it- comment section is open so state your spiel..

____________________
I plan to finish this off- my hands just got cold.

2007-05-17T23:01:00.000-07:00

my eyes are weighed heavily with sleep
my neck aches
my mouth dry
my hands dry
my legs cramping
my agenda is filled with items to get done everyday
relaxing would be a luxury item- but as you get older things change

I give so much more respect to my parents and to other elders who have come from another foreign land to Canada- getting themselves a job not just "a" job "two or three" jobs what gives their children the University Medicine degree a black sports car paid for with insurance paid a month and a nice cell phone. I have a friend who is working 35 hours a week plus doing classes in the evening- taken care of the house, cooking, cleaning- taken care of her siblings- and she still has the energy at the end of the day to make me laugh- that's strength- that's strength.

I have enough paper cuts in my hands and my strained eye balls from sitting down reading notes and glaring at the computer screen for most part of my day- replying to e-mails-calling people for employment-hussling and bustling to and from- my shoulder feels like giving out with all the books I hold- but there is something to makes me push on and on every day- work hard in this life and in the next there will be eternal peace- no back aches- no eyes aches- eternal peace- just work hard......

my eyes are weighed with sleep.

O Allah- give the believers strong faith and health and never seal our minds and heart from the truth- and O Allah- guide those souls who have being lead astray onto the right path to Islam- Ameen.

2007-05-16T11:57:00.000-07:00

BOYAHAHAHA BABY!

2007-05-10T21:15:00.001-07:00

What do I write here... What do I feel now... Where I'm I going....

I don't find the need to blog anymore..I like to sit by a window and day dream- and that capps it for me. I'm losing my energy a little bit every day- my energy to "make things alright- ok- with the smiles- the "warm", "sweet" personality- you don't know me?

I don't chase anything. The butterfly that layed in the pit of my stomach has grown wings and flown off.

I honestly don't know what to type here.

I want to travel.

My heart has lost it's compass for good- and I really don't care to recover it.

I feel distant, as I'm sure everyone does from time to time.

Don't believe into the false dreams of words. Believe in dreams that come to action.

what do I say? I'm saving it for a special moment.